That statement is kinda twofold. It's both a confession and an honest acknowledgment and acceptance of who I am. While my obsessiveness is motivated by areas of insecurity, my obsessiveness also reveals something unique to me about God's character.
First, the confession. When I get excited, anxious, or really feel any strong emotion about something, that something will occupy my thought life almost unwaveringly for a long, long time. The stronger the emotion, the longer it stays, especially if it elicits any form of anxiety. Sometimes, though increasingly more often, my obsessive thoughts are an honest enjoyment of remembering what happened and the desire to hold on to it because it was good. More frequently though, my obsessive thoughts are a product of trying to figure things out, again particularly if the situation makes me feel anxious. There's a lie that's been implanted that if I can somehow understand everything about a specific situation, I will be able to figure out what's going to happen next. If I know what will happen next, I can prepare myself to handle it, especially if it will result in more anxiety. In order to protect myself, I obsess about a situation in order to make safe and wise decisions based on what will happen next. This (obviously) stems from trust issues and manifests itself as control issues. So yes, confessing to obsessive thoughts motivated by a fear that I'm gonna get hurt.
All that being said, I don't think my obsessive thoughts are always a bad thing. Sometimes, I will find myself thinking about something not in an effort to prepare myself for something bad to happen, but out of an honest enjoyment of thinking about it. Think about it, when you have a "God-moment" and you feel like you've really experienced something about Him, don't you find yourself thinking about only that purely because you've enjoyed that experience...at least for a little while? I think this motivation of obsessive thoughts, especially when those thoughts are of things that are true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent, or praiseworthy (Philippians 4:8) is completely okay!
I know not everyone has an obsessive thought-life and some people have trouble holding a single thought for more than a few minutes, but I'm realizing that my obsessiveness reveals a bit of God's character. God is obsessed with me, and with you! He loves us individually so much that Psalm 139:17-18 describes it like this: "How precious to me are your thoughts, O God! How vast is the sum of them! Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand." And I thought that I thought about individual people too much!! I'm not justifying my obsessiveness motivated by insecurity, but if my unhealthy obsessive thoughts don't even come close to that many thoughts....HOLY CRAP!!! God's thoughts of me are motivated by His love for me, AND He has so many more of them than I do! Since I try to figure out my life by thinking about things over and over...and over and over...and God thinks about me more than I think about those individual situations, He definitely has everything figured out!!! To kinda mold it into my understanding, I imagine God sitting on His throne remembering things I've done in the past, thinking about things I'll do in the future, thinking about how pleased He is with me right now, excited about the ways He's going to reveal Himself to me in hours, days, weeks, months, and years ahead, and enjoying the specific ways He fashioned me!!!! These thoughts "OUTNUMBER THE GRAINS OF SAND!!" I don't even think about myself THAT much and at least most of my obsessive thoughts are about myself and how different things are going to affect me and have affected me in the past.
In conclusion (haha), if God thinks about me more than I do, He really knows what He's doing AND it really is for the very best. I can trust Him completely!!
Friday, December 2, 2011
Saturday, November 19, 2011
Post-Processing
This past week has been absolutely incredible!! Nothing particularly different circumstantially, but I feel like my entire heart and attitude has been different. Tuesday through Friday, I spent multiple hours each day with God, with the intention of processing my circumstances completely with Him, and did He ever meet me there!
Now for the update. Last Saturday night, Satan threw some pretty low lies my way that really struck my core. Sunday morning at church, the message was from 1Peter 2 where it talks about us being "chosen" and "a royal priesthood." Having the truth so evidently communicated when it was most necessary was fantastic and prepared me for the sermon I would hear that evening from Matthew 7. In it, Jesus is encouraging listeners to ask, assuring them that He wants to give, and give generously. Pulling from the parable of the prodigal son, he shared that God says to us, "you are always with Me and all I have is yours." I can't begin to describe the freedom I felt leaving church that night. Suddenly, I saw no point to complaining about what I want but don't have, being anxious about what might happen next, or anything that caused me to distrust God. See, in that moment I asked God to give me what I wanted by a specific time and I know God can say "no," but that "no" would be evidence of God's goodness and His tremendous interest in my life that He would want something better for me than what I want. Through Thursday, everything was truly right with the world! God was giving me words to comfort me that He would ask me to share with someone else the very next day! He also brought me to a point where I realized that I was actually "in love" with Him, after 10 years of knowing Him.
Friday brought a little surprise that reignited a lot of my biggest insecurities, that like wildfire spread to every less-than-ideal circumstance in my life right now. It was crazy how suddenly anxious I became, especially considering how I'd been feeling the whole week. I had to completely stop and process it. God showed me very clearly what had instigated my anxiety and why it had done so. See, I have a fear of rejection that runs really, really deep. As a result, part of me very much wants to take risks to maybe not be rejected this time, while another part is super anxious about the risk. I know it sounds like I might need to "seek out a mental health professional IMMEDIATELY" but really, I'm fine, just very self-aware. This fear has given Satan a very real foothold in my life so if he can get the idea that I might be rejected in my brain, every ounce of peace seems to unravel. Later that day, God brought to mind content from a book I was reading, about understanding that God's beloved are taken (chosen), which obviously stood out based on Sunday morning's teaching. God told me that I was "taken" even before I was born, in the sense that I'm not single. During my last dating relationship, other men's rejection just didn't matter because I was taken, I had been chosen, I was "off the market" so to speak. Applying that to God, He showed me that since I was taken before birth, any rejection since then just pales in comparison to my chosenness by God.
This was a fantastic revelation!! Last March, I had a dream in which God clearly expressed how much He loved me and I bought a ring to help me remember His love. Starting tomorrow, I intend to begin wearing it on my left ring finger as a symbol that I am committed to truly loving Him too. Moving it to that finger will be a difficult adjustment, and replacing it with a different ring one day (God-willing) will be challenging, but I know how badly I need the outward symbol to keep the inside knowledge in my brain. Completely worth it!!
Now for the update. Last Saturday night, Satan threw some pretty low lies my way that really struck my core. Sunday morning at church, the message was from 1Peter 2 where it talks about us being "chosen" and "a royal priesthood." Having the truth so evidently communicated when it was most necessary was fantastic and prepared me for the sermon I would hear that evening from Matthew 7. In it, Jesus is encouraging listeners to ask, assuring them that He wants to give, and give generously. Pulling from the parable of the prodigal son, he shared that God says to us, "you are always with Me and all I have is yours." I can't begin to describe the freedom I felt leaving church that night. Suddenly, I saw no point to complaining about what I want but don't have, being anxious about what might happen next, or anything that caused me to distrust God. See, in that moment I asked God to give me what I wanted by a specific time and I know God can say "no," but that "no" would be evidence of God's goodness and His tremendous interest in my life that He would want something better for me than what I want. Through Thursday, everything was truly right with the world! God was giving me words to comfort me that He would ask me to share with someone else the very next day! He also brought me to a point where I realized that I was actually "in love" with Him, after 10 years of knowing Him.
Friday brought a little surprise that reignited a lot of my biggest insecurities, that like wildfire spread to every less-than-ideal circumstance in my life right now. It was crazy how suddenly anxious I became, especially considering how I'd been feeling the whole week. I had to completely stop and process it. God showed me very clearly what had instigated my anxiety and why it had done so. See, I have a fear of rejection that runs really, really deep. As a result, part of me very much wants to take risks to maybe not be rejected this time, while another part is super anxious about the risk. I know it sounds like I might need to "seek out a mental health professional IMMEDIATELY" but really, I'm fine, just very self-aware. This fear has given Satan a very real foothold in my life so if he can get the idea that I might be rejected in my brain, every ounce of peace seems to unravel. Later that day, God brought to mind content from a book I was reading, about understanding that God's beloved are taken (chosen), which obviously stood out based on Sunday morning's teaching. God told me that I was "taken" even before I was born, in the sense that I'm not single. During my last dating relationship, other men's rejection just didn't matter because I was taken, I had been chosen, I was "off the market" so to speak. Applying that to God, He showed me that since I was taken before birth, any rejection since then just pales in comparison to my chosenness by God.
This was a fantastic revelation!! Last March, I had a dream in which God clearly expressed how much He loved me and I bought a ring to help me remember His love. Starting tomorrow, I intend to begin wearing it on my left ring finger as a symbol that I am committed to truly loving Him too. Moving it to that finger will be a difficult adjustment, and replacing it with a different ring one day (God-willing) will be challenging, but I know how badly I need the outward symbol to keep the inside knowledge in my brain. Completely worth it!!
Friday, November 11, 2011
Why, Why, WHY??
Doing a little bit of venting...
Why is it that all the jobs I want and would be qualified for are out of the state??
Why is it that every local job I apply for I don't hear back about?
Why is it that God is putting me in three very different, though equally frustrating, waiting games??
Why am I working at a job I don't enjoy?
Why does Satan constantly expose how my life is not going the way I wanted, and I'm not happy about it?
Why won't God just prove Himself unfaithful so I can return to being in charge of my own life?
Why am I so easily irritated by everything?
Why are the holidays that are fun for everyone but me approaching?
Why am I still single??
Answer: Because this is what God wants for me right now...to almost all of those questions.
I hate that answer! I'm sick of God not simply giving me what I want. I "know" God's plans are better than mine, but COME ON!!! It really seems like He's intentionally keeping me from every want I have, and then is calling me to trust Him with more! God, haven't I jumped off enough cliffs yet to please You? Could You please address a messed up area of my life that doesn't have to do with patience or contentment or trust...just for a little while??
I don't care right now that this will all be worth it in due time. Right now, it's really hard and I'm sick of it.
Why is it that all the jobs I want and would be qualified for are out of the state??
Why is it that every local job I apply for I don't hear back about?
Why is it that God is putting me in three very different, though equally frustrating, waiting games??
Why am I working at a job I don't enjoy?
Why does Satan constantly expose how my life is not going the way I wanted, and I'm not happy about it?
Why won't God just prove Himself unfaithful so I can return to being in charge of my own life?
Why am I so easily irritated by everything?
Why are the holidays that are fun for everyone but me approaching?
Why am I still single??
Answer: Because this is what God wants for me right now...to almost all of those questions.
I hate that answer! I'm sick of God not simply giving me what I want. I "know" God's plans are better than mine, but COME ON!!! It really seems like He's intentionally keeping me from every want I have, and then is calling me to trust Him with more! God, haven't I jumped off enough cliffs yet to please You? Could You please address a messed up area of my life that doesn't have to do with patience or contentment or trust...just for a little while??
I don't care right now that this will all be worth it in due time. Right now, it's really hard and I'm sick of it.
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
Cliff Notes Version of my Life
If I were ever asked to write Cliff Notes for books, I would definitely get fired within a week or two. When I think of stories, there's so much significance in the details that to leave them out would not do the story justice. I can briefly summarize, but if you give me more than five minutes to summarize, you will need to set aside 30 minutes to hear much more than you actually wanted to know ;-)
I was asked a couple days ago for the Cliff Notes version of my life a couple days ago and I failed miserably! First, I had 3 important things to tell her about. I gave the first two a couple sentences each, mostly the first thing is still difficult and the second thing is really, really difficult and builds into the third thing. There was no way I was gonna give a brief version of the third thing, so I didn't even pretend to.
Here however, I will give a very abridged version simply for the sake of uncertainty in what is actually gonna happen next. After seven years of serving somewhat begrudgingly, God is VERY clearly leading me to pursue college ministry long-term, into my "actual" adult life. It's absolutely incredible, but completely true. I've always kept away from seeing that leading cuz my heart broke for a completely different population, and I didn't want to sacrifice that passion for something I wasn't thrilled about doing. Well, I'm pursuing this with a passion for it! I suppose it's kinda always been there, a passion for some of the stuff that is in college ministry, but only in the past couple weeks have I realized the passion actually is college ministry. I have no clue what God intends for that to actually look like. Generally there are two alternatives for involvement as a non-student: staff or community member, and honestly, I do not wanna be on staff. Raising support, working exclusively with Christians (even if for non-Christians), not actually working within my passion for serving economically disadvantaged families are among the least appealing things to me. Considering my financial situation, my newly-realized passion for college ministry, and how God has been using me in various students' lives lately, pursuing an internship makes sense. Also, with an internship, I may find God actually leading me to pursue staff, which would be weird and super scary. But, I have to let God be in charge and be willing to let Him put me in situations through which I can hear Him speak.
I know that was a long abridged version, but there is SOO much more, like why an internship specifically, how I feel He's using me to make an impact, why I'm so oppositional to staff right now, some of my hesitations about actually pursuing this and how God's met me in those, etc, etc. It's incredible!! I'll be meeting with one of the pastors some time after Fall Getaway to see if this actually is an open door. Regardless though, I'm here for a while, with a very specific preferred role in mind that is yet more details not included here.
I was asked a couple days ago for the Cliff Notes version of my life a couple days ago and I failed miserably! First, I had 3 important things to tell her about. I gave the first two a couple sentences each, mostly the first thing is still difficult and the second thing is really, really difficult and builds into the third thing. There was no way I was gonna give a brief version of the third thing, so I didn't even pretend to.
Here however, I will give a very abridged version simply for the sake of uncertainty in what is actually gonna happen next. After seven years of serving somewhat begrudgingly, God is VERY clearly leading me to pursue college ministry long-term, into my "actual" adult life. It's absolutely incredible, but completely true. I've always kept away from seeing that leading cuz my heart broke for a completely different population, and I didn't want to sacrifice that passion for something I wasn't thrilled about doing. Well, I'm pursuing this with a passion for it! I suppose it's kinda always been there, a passion for some of the stuff that is in college ministry, but only in the past couple weeks have I realized the passion actually is college ministry. I have no clue what God intends for that to actually look like. Generally there are two alternatives for involvement as a non-student: staff or community member, and honestly, I do not wanna be on staff. Raising support, working exclusively with Christians (even if for non-Christians), not actually working within my passion for serving economically disadvantaged families are among the least appealing things to me. Considering my financial situation, my newly-realized passion for college ministry, and how God has been using me in various students' lives lately, pursuing an internship makes sense. Also, with an internship, I may find God actually leading me to pursue staff, which would be weird and super scary. But, I have to let God be in charge and be willing to let Him put me in situations through which I can hear Him speak.
I know that was a long abridged version, but there is SOO much more, like why an internship specifically, how I feel He's using me to make an impact, why I'm so oppositional to staff right now, some of my hesitations about actually pursuing this and how God's met me in those, etc, etc. It's incredible!! I'll be meeting with one of the pastors some time after Fall Getaway to see if this actually is an open door. Regardless though, I'm here for a while, with a very specific preferred role in mind that is yet more details not included here.
Thursday, October 13, 2011
Annoying?
I've been learning over the past several months that many of my friends have a very limited amount of patience with me. By very limited I simply mean that it's not as much as I need, which is how I suppose it's supposed to be. See, a year ago...even nine months ago, my entire life was completely different than it is right now. I was 24 years old and had a really good idea of what 2011 was going to look like. Every single thing I thought was gonna happen didn't, and things I thought would never happen did, and there's still 2 1/2 months left!!! Really since the beginning of the year, there has been no end to the drama in my life and it's been ridiculously overwhelming. Whenever things start to settle down, some new change has to be dealt with. I'm not good at handling change, especially not changes that hit the very core of my being. As a result, I've given in to a lot of complaining, and my friends have definitely heard it all, surprisingly this blog has heard only a portion of it. I've noticed some of my friends begin to withdraw from me when I start expressing the difficulty of my circumstances. I've been called whiny, directly scolded for my complaining, and directly asked to stop talking about certain things...all multiple times in the past two months.
Believe me, I know it's an issue, but knowing of the issue honestly doesn't make my circumstances an easier to deal with. I find myself tempted to withdraw from sharing my life and putting up a front like I did as a child. Let's be honest, if people are gonna correct me, I need to also be directly told I'm loved. Otherwise, I feel criticized and judged.
God's really smart...I guess. I've begun staying in Aurora more frequently between work shifts to save money on gas. I went all day Monday with my only adult interaction being with my mom and youngest roommate, outside of the parents at work. I'm extroverted, and am having a hard time being okay with God limiting my social time so much. I would honestly enjoy five hours every day of the week, and I think I'm at maybe 8 hours for the past 3 days. Meanwhile, my circumstances continue to overwhelm me and, as if it were possible, get more stressful. I've got two big waiting games going on simultaneously and something of a financial crisis. That's probably a really good summary actually of the problems. I have a bunch of coping strategies (some worse than others) but the one I'm most comfortable with using has been being ultra-social in an attempt to compensate the stressfulness with fun. Well, staying in Aurora and not taking a nap is definitely not helping my ability to be social when I finally get home at 6:45...only to leave to do it again 12 hours later.
As a result, I've been spending a lot of time with God, mostly complaining to Him about these circumstances and how He's taken away my favorite coping method. However, He's been showing me how reliant I am on my friends, and while I definitely have a need for community, I cannot expect my community to love me nearly as much as I need to be loved. I asked God if He ever gets frustrated with me. If He ever thinks "Amber, just shut-up, listen, and do what I tell you to already!" If He's ever tempted to give me exactly what I want when I want it just so that when it falls apart He can sit and laugh at me. I ask Him those things frequently, and it's always the same answer, never! I asked how come my friends seem to feel, think, or wish these very things on me. Already knowing my complaining to be a sin, God reminded me about grace. Honestly, my friends don't love me enough to extend as much grace to me as I need extended, and that's okay...not easy, but okay. See, God does love me enough and His grace, extended on a cross, demonstrates that love.
I'm not happy about this process. It's hard and painful and I desperately want it all to be over. But, I will turn to God, looking to His love to comfort me as His hand continues to guide me. HA!! I've been very familiar lately with God's leading hand, but not His comforting hand. No wonder I keep asking God to just stop talking already. I don't want more direction, I just want to be held and told "I love you, Amber!" in a way that only God can make real to me.
Believe me, I know it's an issue, but knowing of the issue honestly doesn't make my circumstances an easier to deal with. I find myself tempted to withdraw from sharing my life and putting up a front like I did as a child. Let's be honest, if people are gonna correct me, I need to also be directly told I'm loved. Otherwise, I feel criticized and judged.
God's really smart...I guess. I've begun staying in Aurora more frequently between work shifts to save money on gas. I went all day Monday with my only adult interaction being with my mom and youngest roommate, outside of the parents at work. I'm extroverted, and am having a hard time being okay with God limiting my social time so much. I would honestly enjoy five hours every day of the week, and I think I'm at maybe 8 hours for the past 3 days. Meanwhile, my circumstances continue to overwhelm me and, as if it were possible, get more stressful. I've got two big waiting games going on simultaneously and something of a financial crisis. That's probably a really good summary actually of the problems. I have a bunch of coping strategies (some worse than others) but the one I'm most comfortable with using has been being ultra-social in an attempt to compensate the stressfulness with fun. Well, staying in Aurora and not taking a nap is definitely not helping my ability to be social when I finally get home at 6:45...only to leave to do it again 12 hours later.
As a result, I've been spending a lot of time with God, mostly complaining to Him about these circumstances and how He's taken away my favorite coping method. However, He's been showing me how reliant I am on my friends, and while I definitely have a need for community, I cannot expect my community to love me nearly as much as I need to be loved. I asked God if He ever gets frustrated with me. If He ever thinks "Amber, just shut-up, listen, and do what I tell you to already!" If He's ever tempted to give me exactly what I want when I want it just so that when it falls apart He can sit and laugh at me. I ask Him those things frequently, and it's always the same answer, never! I asked how come my friends seem to feel, think, or wish these very things on me. Already knowing my complaining to be a sin, God reminded me about grace. Honestly, my friends don't love me enough to extend as much grace to me as I need extended, and that's okay...not easy, but okay. See, God does love me enough and His grace, extended on a cross, demonstrates that love.
I'm not happy about this process. It's hard and painful and I desperately want it all to be over. But, I will turn to God, looking to His love to comfort me as His hand continues to guide me. HA!! I've been very familiar lately with God's leading hand, but not His comforting hand. No wonder I keep asking God to just stop talking already. I don't want more direction, I just want to be held and told "I love you, Amber!" in a way that only God can make real to me.
Monday, September 19, 2011
Hello Spiritual Warfare!
FINALLY!!! God allowed me to see what I've been needing to see for months now!
A couple weeks ago, I reached a point of just being overwhelmed by nothing going according to my plans, and things actually seeming like my plans were intentionally being blown up just to spite me for making those plans. I was frustrated with everything! Not getting what I wanted when I wanted it, other people having things go smoothly that I'd struggled through, God placing specific restrictions on my actions when others' were doing what I desired repeatedly. Clearly, a lotta comparison which grew my frustration, impatience, and grumbling. When Satan struck one very close friendship with a comparison challenge, I fought back! Not only did I decide to apologize for the comparing myself to her, I sought the truth in the situation to fight the lies. Simply put, the truth is that her friendship is a massive blessing and, while it may be forced to change, it's not changing right now and God is gonna take care of everything should it need to change. At this point, I did not see any of this as being an evil scheme. Somehow, I thought that I was just falling into this comparison sin on my own accord. Either way, attacking that close of a friendship was the beginning of the end for Satan.
Then, more unpredictable stuff that seemed intended to just make my life that much more difficult happened. I got a flat tire, had to ask for help to get the donut on (and did very little of the work myself), and then had to pay for a new tire, with the scare that I was gonna have to wait a couple days to get one. While I was at the garage waiting, I was reading The Sacred Romance and one small line referred to spiritual warfare and everything clicked!! My repetitive trials in patience and trust in God are NOT evidence that God is not good or that God wants to make my life really, really hard right now. Don't get me wrong, God is totally using all of these trials to thoroughly glorify Himself and build my relationship with Him, but He is not slamming me repeatedly to make me learn these things...that is the Devil, and he hates me. God reminds me through each struggle that He is very much with me every single time! Satan hates that I've been choosing to trust in spite of my feelings, so he's been throwing me under any kind of bus he can find. Any kind of difficult circumstance to challenge my faith that God allows him to touch, I'm sure he is.
In summary, Satan hates me and is out to get me! But he will never win because God is stronger than him! Now that I see Satan's attack for what it is, I'm reaching for my armor and my Father rather than discipline and forced self-control. SO MUCH PEACE!!!! So little burden!! LOVE IT!!
A couple weeks ago, I reached a point of just being overwhelmed by nothing going according to my plans, and things actually seeming like my plans were intentionally being blown up just to spite me for making those plans. I was frustrated with everything! Not getting what I wanted when I wanted it, other people having things go smoothly that I'd struggled through, God placing specific restrictions on my actions when others' were doing what I desired repeatedly. Clearly, a lotta comparison which grew my frustration, impatience, and grumbling. When Satan struck one very close friendship with a comparison challenge, I fought back! Not only did I decide to apologize for the comparing myself to her, I sought the truth in the situation to fight the lies. Simply put, the truth is that her friendship is a massive blessing and, while it may be forced to change, it's not changing right now and God is gonna take care of everything should it need to change. At this point, I did not see any of this as being an evil scheme. Somehow, I thought that I was just falling into this comparison sin on my own accord. Either way, attacking that close of a friendship was the beginning of the end for Satan.
Then, more unpredictable stuff that seemed intended to just make my life that much more difficult happened. I got a flat tire, had to ask for help to get the donut on (and did very little of the work myself), and then had to pay for a new tire, with the scare that I was gonna have to wait a couple days to get one. While I was at the garage waiting, I was reading The Sacred Romance and one small line referred to spiritual warfare and everything clicked!! My repetitive trials in patience and trust in God are NOT evidence that God is not good or that God wants to make my life really, really hard right now. Don't get me wrong, God is totally using all of these trials to thoroughly glorify Himself and build my relationship with Him, but He is not slamming me repeatedly to make me learn these things...that is the Devil, and he hates me. God reminds me through each struggle that He is very much with me every single time! Satan hates that I've been choosing to trust in spite of my feelings, so he's been throwing me under any kind of bus he can find. Any kind of difficult circumstance to challenge my faith that God allows him to touch, I'm sure he is.
In summary, Satan hates me and is out to get me! But he will never win because God is stronger than him! Now that I see Satan's attack for what it is, I'm reaching for my armor and my Father rather than discipline and forced self-control. SO MUCH PEACE!!!! So little burden!! LOVE IT!!
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
Today in the Word Sermon at 9am
LOVE 103.3 at 9am!!! On Wednesday morning, I heard part 2 of this sermon! part 1 was about Jesus feeding the 5 thousand right after John the Baptist died, and part 2 was about Jesus walking on water. When Peter joined Him and started sinking, Jesus asked him "why did you doubt?" I mean, really? Peter suddenly realizes he is standing on water...he's not exactly a fisherman who doesn't know specific laws about nature. I'm sure he's fallen out of a boat often enough to know that humans sink in water. The speaker adjusted the translation a little bit to say "Why did you begin to doubt?" Peter stepped outta the boat with no reservations and started walking towards Jesus. It wasn't until he considered the natural impossibility of what he was doing that he began to sink. Peter's experiential knowledge of the world overcame his faith that Jesus had said come.
This story is in no way whatsoever foreign to me. With this story, God led me to "step out" and go on a church plant, trusting Him to not let me drown. One of the first times I heard this story, I remember my heart desiring to one day walk on water, finding myself in love with that level of faith. My freshman year in college, I found myself on a retreat walking on a frozen lake, aka water. (Not to be confused with skating. The whole concept of gliding in skates is too hard for me, but walking in skates, that I understand.) Even that long ago God has been avidly pursuing me with His irony.
Here I am, almost 10 years into my Christian faith, listening to that very story again with so much more speaking to my heart, but really the same concepts. My circumstances scare me. Let's be honest, the last time God told me to "step out" 51/2 years ago with the church plant, it wasn't exactly easy, and for a while it felt like I was treading water. Like Jesus hadn't even reached to pull me up and I was doing it all on my own. When I got too tired, finally gave up and said (in far more words) "Lord, save me!" He was faithful to do so, just as He had promised. Today, I heard Jesus say (in far fewer words), "Your circumstances need not dictate your faith. Your efforts are futile, yes, but with faith in My authority over your life, you can stand."
My reaction: couldn't I have learned all this some other way?? This storm is scary, so scary that when Jesus entered the scene, I doubted it was actually Him. When I sought affirmation that it was Him and as a result He said "Come," I stepped out. Now, I'm somewhere between standing on and treading the water. I'm very aware of the wind and how scary it is to be standing on water, but Jesus is still there with me, and He did say "Come." Maybe I'm treading water, still fighting on my own to believe what He'd said to be good and true. I am definitely getting tired, and thinking it might be time to ask Him to "save me" from drowning in my doubt.
Why did I start doubting in the first place?
This story is in no way whatsoever foreign to me. With this story, God led me to "step out" and go on a church plant, trusting Him to not let me drown. One of the first times I heard this story, I remember my heart desiring to one day walk on water, finding myself in love with that level of faith. My freshman year in college, I found myself on a retreat walking on a frozen lake, aka water. (Not to be confused with skating. The whole concept of gliding in skates is too hard for me, but walking in skates, that I understand.) Even that long ago God has been avidly pursuing me with His irony.
Here I am, almost 10 years into my Christian faith, listening to that very story again with so much more speaking to my heart, but really the same concepts. My circumstances scare me. Let's be honest, the last time God told me to "step out" 51/2 years ago with the church plant, it wasn't exactly easy, and for a while it felt like I was treading water. Like Jesus hadn't even reached to pull me up and I was doing it all on my own. When I got too tired, finally gave up and said (in far more words) "Lord, save me!" He was faithful to do so, just as He had promised. Today, I heard Jesus say (in far fewer words), "Your circumstances need not dictate your faith. Your efforts are futile, yes, but with faith in My authority over your life, you can stand."
My reaction: couldn't I have learned all this some other way?? This storm is scary, so scary that when Jesus entered the scene, I doubted it was actually Him. When I sought affirmation that it was Him and as a result He said "Come," I stepped out. Now, I'm somewhere between standing on and treading the water. I'm very aware of the wind and how scary it is to be standing on water, but Jesus is still there with me, and He did say "Come." Maybe I'm treading water, still fighting on my own to believe what He'd said to be good and true. I am definitely getting tired, and thinking it might be time to ask Him to "save me" from drowning in my doubt.
Why did I start doubting in the first place?
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
I don't get it!!
"The Lord foils the plans of the nations;
he thwarts the purposes of the people.
But the plans of the Lord stand firm forever,
the purposes of his heart through all generations." Psalm 33:10-11
I make plans and they fall through, every single time. While yeah, God shows His much better plans afterward, I'm really sick of having my plans fall through, especially when I took extra measures to make sure those plans seemed to work. When my plans fall through, I feel like a failure. The lie that I can't do anything right and am just not good enough enters my mind in a blind rage.
My plans not coming together has been a massive theme in my life for what seems like forever. Looking back, I think I just took the extra work as a trial to hunker down and get it done anyway. Over the past year, I've begun realizing that sometimes God's plans are different from my own and actually better than anything I could imagine. Let's be honest though, the underlying root of my planning my life is the drastic fear of failure.
Today, I completely slept through my alarm and woke up after my morning shift was over, and I had actually been planning on asking my boss this afternoon for a raise so I could stick around the Y for a while longer...yeah, that's not gonna happen now. I'll be lucky if I still have a job tomorrow with YMCA. Several weeks ago now, God revealed something to me with a massive amount of peace to confirm His voice in it. Now, I am so anxious about that situation that when I describe it, I completely forget to include that part of it. I planned a movie marathon and it was mostly a lot of fun! People were totally free to come and go as they pleased and in total, more than 15 people attended. However, I was the only one who watched every film. Now that's not such a big deal considering it spanned 3 days, but then the finale of watching the last movie in theaters, which was kinda the point to the whole thing anyway, was a complete and utter fail.
Clearly, God is trying very, very hard to teach me something that I am just not learning! The only thing I know right now is how insanely hard He is making my life. It frustrates me that I can't learn this faster so these lessons can be over already. God, please take mercy on Your daughter!
he thwarts the purposes of the people.
But the plans of the Lord stand firm forever,
the purposes of his heart through all generations." Psalm 33:10-11
I make plans and they fall through, every single time. While yeah, God shows His much better plans afterward, I'm really sick of having my plans fall through, especially when I took extra measures to make sure those plans seemed to work. When my plans fall through, I feel like a failure. The lie that I can't do anything right and am just not good enough enters my mind in a blind rage.
My plans not coming together has been a massive theme in my life for what seems like forever. Looking back, I think I just took the extra work as a trial to hunker down and get it done anyway. Over the past year, I've begun realizing that sometimes God's plans are different from my own and actually better than anything I could imagine. Let's be honest though, the underlying root of my planning my life is the drastic fear of failure.
Today, I completely slept through my alarm and woke up after my morning shift was over, and I had actually been planning on asking my boss this afternoon for a raise so I could stick around the Y for a while longer...yeah, that's not gonna happen now. I'll be lucky if I still have a job tomorrow with YMCA. Several weeks ago now, God revealed something to me with a massive amount of peace to confirm His voice in it. Now, I am so anxious about that situation that when I describe it, I completely forget to include that part of it. I planned a movie marathon and it was mostly a lot of fun! People were totally free to come and go as they pleased and in total, more than 15 people attended. However, I was the only one who watched every film. Now that's not such a big deal considering it spanned 3 days, but then the finale of watching the last movie in theaters, which was kinda the point to the whole thing anyway, was a complete and utter fail.
Clearly, God is trying very, very hard to teach me something that I am just not learning! The only thing I know right now is how insanely hard He is making my life. It frustrates me that I can't learn this faster so these lessons can be over already. God, please take mercy on Your daughter!
Monday, August 8, 2011
Really, I'm Okay
I'm just not exactly feeling awesome.
I feel like every single day I struggle with the uncertainty of this situation. Each day, Satan feeds me lines like, "Things just aren't going to work out." or "You misunderstood God." All I have to say is, "I read Genesis 3 yesterday, and Satan, I'm not gonna take your bait! I will not run and hide from God because I'm ashamed of having not trusted Him! I will not take the bait and then blame the difficulty of the situation! It's bad enough that you have me fighting to cling to what God has revealed to me, that already is giving you too much power!"
Now, all I can say is "Jesus, cover my ears to Satan's lies! The peace in the situation, amidst all the insecurities he's trying to throw in my face, is enough to make me certain I've heard from You and that's enough for me. My battle is not against flesh and blood, but against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. I am not fighting against my "self" (I told her to get lost in this situation months ago) but against Satan. Jesus, please fight this battle on my behalf! I don't want to doubt or be insecure any longer. I don't need to know the Father's timing, the details He has revealed is far more generous than I deserve. I only need to know Your great love for me and Your tremendous power over my puny life and Satan's schemes!"
It's so crazy how this situation has lead me to both a heart that weeps and a heart that rejoices. Weeping when I get stuck on not knowing how everything is gonna work together, but truly rejoicing when I remember that God works all things for the good of those who love Him...so really I know how everything is gonna work together, it will be good! Weeping when I'm bombarded by insecurities about God not being trustworthy, but rejoicing when I'm reminded about the many MANY ways God has shown Himself incredibly faithful to me, friends, and stories included in His Word. God truly knows the deepest depths of my heart! He knows all my fears, my insecurities, my weaknesses, my struggles, and He loves me so much that He asks me each day to share them with Him that He may carry the load of them!
I heard a sermon today directed towards men about loving their wives. The guy talked about how women speak a foreign language and they take 2 hours to say something that would only take a man 5 minutes. He explained that the reason women do so is so that the listener can empathize with them with each turn in the story. I read a long update from a friend an hour ago that totally affirmed both that women do this (not that I didn't already know it to be true) and that sharing in the very details of a friend's trials gives me such a bonding experience with them! Knowing that God hears me speak the same frustrations to Him each day, and has for the past several months, and still talks with me through it all, makes Him the ultimate empathizer!! Let's just say that God needs to be preparing my future husband to be a phenomenal listener...otherwise he will definitely be getting an intense crash course early on in our relationship!
Even though I tend to doubt my growth a lot of the time, I know God is doing a tremendous work! When this specific trial began, I was fighting almost exclusively against myself and my own desires to control the situation. When I pursued God about what exactly He was telling me in all of this, and He generously shared it, I saw clearly how Satan was meddling. When it's me, I find myself prideful and arrogant and absolutely opposed to listening to whatever wisdom dear friends might have to say. When it's God speaking, I find myself at peace and with plenty of scripture to back up whatever it is God might be working on building in me through the situation. When Satan's talking, I am wretchedly insecure and will specifically doubt what God has clearly spoken to me on no basis other than things in my past or general fears. Not that I don't fall victim to listening when Satan talks frequently, but then I remember Genesis 3:15..."he will crush your head, and you will strike his heel" and am given the visual from Passion of the Christ, of Jesus stomping on the head of a snake. As gruesome as it is, that visual is probably my all time absolute favorite movie moment!! Satan can say whatever he wants, but my Lord is the one who will destroy him, and my Lord loves me enough to fight with him on my behalf. Even as I struggle, I can spit in Satan's face saying that he will never ever win.
I feel like every single day I struggle with the uncertainty of this situation. Each day, Satan feeds me lines like, "Things just aren't going to work out." or "You misunderstood God." All I have to say is, "I read Genesis 3 yesterday, and Satan, I'm not gonna take your bait! I will not run and hide from God because I'm ashamed of having not trusted Him! I will not take the bait and then blame the difficulty of the situation! It's bad enough that you have me fighting to cling to what God has revealed to me, that already is giving you too much power!"
Now, all I can say is "Jesus, cover my ears to Satan's lies! The peace in the situation, amidst all the insecurities he's trying to throw in my face, is enough to make me certain I've heard from You and that's enough for me. My battle is not against flesh and blood, but against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. I am not fighting against my "self" (I told her to get lost in this situation months ago) but against Satan. Jesus, please fight this battle on my behalf! I don't want to doubt or be insecure any longer. I don't need to know the Father's timing, the details He has revealed is far more generous than I deserve. I only need to know Your great love for me and Your tremendous power over my puny life and Satan's schemes!"
It's so crazy how this situation has lead me to both a heart that weeps and a heart that rejoices. Weeping when I get stuck on not knowing how everything is gonna work together, but truly rejoicing when I remember that God works all things for the good of those who love Him...so really I know how everything is gonna work together, it will be good! Weeping when I'm bombarded by insecurities about God not being trustworthy, but rejoicing when I'm reminded about the many MANY ways God has shown Himself incredibly faithful to me, friends, and stories included in His Word. God truly knows the deepest depths of my heart! He knows all my fears, my insecurities, my weaknesses, my struggles, and He loves me so much that He asks me each day to share them with Him that He may carry the load of them!
I heard a sermon today directed towards men about loving their wives. The guy talked about how women speak a foreign language and they take 2 hours to say something that would only take a man 5 minutes. He explained that the reason women do so is so that the listener can empathize with them with each turn in the story. I read a long update from a friend an hour ago that totally affirmed both that women do this (not that I didn't already know it to be true) and that sharing in the very details of a friend's trials gives me such a bonding experience with them! Knowing that God hears me speak the same frustrations to Him each day, and has for the past several months, and still talks with me through it all, makes Him the ultimate empathizer!! Let's just say that God needs to be preparing my future husband to be a phenomenal listener...otherwise he will definitely be getting an intense crash course early on in our relationship!
Even though I tend to doubt my growth a lot of the time, I know God is doing a tremendous work! When this specific trial began, I was fighting almost exclusively against myself and my own desires to control the situation. When I pursued God about what exactly He was telling me in all of this, and He generously shared it, I saw clearly how Satan was meddling. When it's me, I find myself prideful and arrogant and absolutely opposed to listening to whatever wisdom dear friends might have to say. When it's God speaking, I find myself at peace and with plenty of scripture to back up whatever it is God might be working on building in me through the situation. When Satan's talking, I am wretchedly insecure and will specifically doubt what God has clearly spoken to me on no basis other than things in my past or general fears. Not that I don't fall victim to listening when Satan talks frequently, but then I remember Genesis 3:15..."he will crush your head, and you will strike his heel" and am given the visual from Passion of the Christ, of Jesus stomping on the head of a snake. As gruesome as it is, that visual is probably my all time absolute favorite movie moment!! Satan can say whatever he wants, but my Lord is the one who will destroy him, and my Lord loves me enough to fight with him on my behalf. Even as I struggle, I can spit in Satan's face saying that he will never ever win.
Sunday, August 7, 2011
Love this song!
Fear Not
Prisoners of Hope
Fear not I am with you
Fear not You are mine
Fear not I am with you and you are mine.
(2 times)
When you walk through the waters they will not overtake you
When you walk through the fire you will not be burned
When you go through the valley I will be with you
You are mine
My peace, I leave with you
My peace, I give to you
My peace, I leave with you
You are mine
Do not let your heart be troubled
Do not let it be afraid
Trust in me I will never forsake you
You are mine
Though my heart and flesh may fail
You are the strength of my life
You'll be my portion forevermore
Lord I put my trust in You
Fear not I am with you
Fear not You are mine
Fear not I am with you and you are mine.
You are mine.
Prisoners of Hope
Fear not I am with you
Fear not You are mine
Fear not I am with you and you are mine.
(2 times)
When you walk through the waters they will not overtake you
When you walk through the fire you will not be burned
When you go through the valley I will be with you
You are mine
My peace, I leave with you
My peace, I give to you
My peace, I leave with you
You are mine
Do not let your heart be troubled
Do not let it be afraid
Trust in me I will never forsake you
You are mine
Though my heart and flesh may fail
You are the strength of my life
You'll be my portion forevermore
Lord I put my trust in You
Fear not I am with you
Fear not You are mine
Fear not I am with you and you are mine.
You are mine.
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
Transitions Are NOT Awesome!!
I officially and completely moved outta my apartment on Sunday, two days ago. Now about 80% of my stuff is at my old roommate's new apartment, 15% of my stuff is in my car, and the remaining 5% is in a suitcase at my best friend's parents' house. I'm finding myself struggling a little bit with not having all of my stuff within 10 minutes of my person. Now, I wouldn't call myself materialistic at all, but it's not easy when all I want is my laptop or shoes other than my crocks and I remember that they are an hour away in an apartment that is not mine. In only a few days I'll be transitioning to yet another friend's parents' house...then, finally! into an apartment to stay: College Towers apartment 469!!
Transitioning this much is really tough for me, it always has been. You'd think I'd be used to it after moving around a ton as a kid, but nope. It takes me a while to adjust and get comfortable in a new place. Initially, I always wanna withdraw into myself to deal with the changes. Meanwhile, in times of transition, the very last thing I wanna deal with is the stuff going on in my heart. I do desire to see God as truly faithful in all of His promises, but I feel like it's taking a ton of my strength to continue doing my best at work in the midst of all this transitioning. I would LOVE to take some time off to just relax, but yeah, that's definitely not an option.
So here I am, wanting to hold God to keeping His promises and not under-delivering....but, I get caught up in the not seeing anything happening now, especially when I'm finding myself incredibly distracted by moving all over the place. I mean, I do believe God spoke clearly about something a few weeks ago, I also know that my desired timing may be completely out of harmony with God's timing, and that's really difficult for me! "Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." Hebrews 11:1 and I know that's kinda the point of faith in God's promises. Nothing in God's promises guarantees I'll be able to see Him deliver every step of the way, just that what He has told me will come to be. Really though, I am constantly looking for evidence of anything I'm asked to put my faith in...and when there isn't evidence, I find myself doubting. Right now, all I have is what God has clearly told me, and while that's a lot, more than two weeks have passed and I have nothing more to cling to than I did then. So yeah, it's challenging to see God's word as enough right now. I think it really comes down to: Am I focusing on trusting God to deliver on what He's promised? or Am I looking to control the situation by seeing each twist and turn of how God is gonna deliver?
Truth: God is big, I am small! Not that He has to at all, but God has shown Himself incredibly faithful with many small things in my life that I can trust Him to be faithful with much more! I know God's timing to be so much better than my own! If He would have given into my timing in this situation, I would not have the intimacy with Him that I've experienced this past month. There are dear friends passionately praying for this situation in my life, ones praying for patience and continued clarity, so I can be certain that God is indeed completely in charge. Finally, an important truth that I think I need to struggle through more is that God DOES NOT CHANGE!! No matter what my life is doing, if it's doing somersaults and backflips, God is constant!!
Transitioning this much is really tough for me, it always has been. You'd think I'd be used to it after moving around a ton as a kid, but nope. It takes me a while to adjust and get comfortable in a new place. Initially, I always wanna withdraw into myself to deal with the changes. Meanwhile, in times of transition, the very last thing I wanna deal with is the stuff going on in my heart. I do desire to see God as truly faithful in all of His promises, but I feel like it's taking a ton of my strength to continue doing my best at work in the midst of all this transitioning. I would LOVE to take some time off to just relax, but yeah, that's definitely not an option.
So here I am, wanting to hold God to keeping His promises and not under-delivering....but, I get caught up in the not seeing anything happening now, especially when I'm finding myself incredibly distracted by moving all over the place. I mean, I do believe God spoke clearly about something a few weeks ago, I also know that my desired timing may be completely out of harmony with God's timing, and that's really difficult for me! "Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." Hebrews 11:1 and I know that's kinda the point of faith in God's promises. Nothing in God's promises guarantees I'll be able to see Him deliver every step of the way, just that what He has told me will come to be. Really though, I am constantly looking for evidence of anything I'm asked to put my faith in...and when there isn't evidence, I find myself doubting. Right now, all I have is what God has clearly told me, and while that's a lot, more than two weeks have passed and I have nothing more to cling to than I did then. So yeah, it's challenging to see God's word as enough right now. I think it really comes down to: Am I focusing on trusting God to deliver on what He's promised? or Am I looking to control the situation by seeing each twist and turn of how God is gonna deliver?
Truth: God is big, I am small! Not that He has to at all, but God has shown Himself incredibly faithful with many small things in my life that I can trust Him to be faithful with much more! I know God's timing to be so much better than my own! If He would have given into my timing in this situation, I would not have the intimacy with Him that I've experienced this past month. There are dear friends passionately praying for this situation in my life, ones praying for patience and continued clarity, so I can be certain that God is indeed completely in charge. Finally, an important truth that I think I need to struggle through more is that God DOES NOT CHANGE!! No matter what my life is doing, if it's doing somersaults and backflips, God is constant!!
Sunday, July 24, 2011
Seven years is a LONG time...
"So Jacob served seven years for Rachel and they seemed to him but a few days because of his love for her" Genesis 29:20
I wonder if the next seven years that Jacob worked for Laban passed as quickly. I mean, Laban had already deceived Jacob once. Surely Jacob would have doubted Laban's faithfulness to their agreement. Jacob obviously really wanted to be married to Rachel, and he ended up having to wait a total of 14 years to get what he wanted. I can't even imagine that!
Looking back seven years ago, I remember myself preparing to start college in the Fall. I was looking forward to getting away from Akron and going to BG so much that I'd had all my stuff packed since June. The last seven years, I have truly transformed into a completely different person. I still have a lot of the same struggles I had then and my closest friends from that first year are still very close friends of mine. The only friend I saw the summer after freshman year is now my very best friend, and the first woman I really let myself be vulnerable with I still get to hang out with every so often after church!
Even with so much still being the same, I have been completely transformed! Seven years ago, I thought my heart was for God and I desired to pursue His will, but really I had no clue how to even pursue Him about what His will might be. I had no idea how prone I was to pursuing my own will rather than His, even when I knew they were in complete opposition. I had never imagined that I had the capacity to hurt people with my words. Seven years ago, my closest friends were not very close at all.
Trusting God has definitely been the largest area of growth in the last seven years, and I still definitely struggle with it. The first couple years I spent learning just who God is: His love for me, the depth of His grace, how He desires a deep relationship with me. After that, I started facing huge trials where I would have to choose repeatedly to pursue God, to trust His will even if it meant I never got what I thought I wanted, and to live to please Him. Junior year, a very significant gash was put in my relationship with God and I spent the following three years keeping Him at arms length so that He wouldn't hurt me again. I was still listening to His will for my life but only by His grace continued walking in it, though very begrudgingly at times. The last two years have found me with the most active relationship with God I could have ever imagined! Granted, a lot of it's been me struggling in the same two specific areas of my life, but I have known the entire time that I'm not doing any of it on my own! Emmanuel -God with us- has truly been my life these past couple years, and it's been wonderful! Last summer, a girl I'd met only a couple months earlier commented that she could see how God truly adored me. Not that He doesn't adore everyone, but the richness of my relationship with Him was obvious to her.
So yeah, definitely the same struggles I had seven years ago, but I'm neither ignoring those struggles nor am I trying to go it alone. Looking back, the last seven years have actually gone very quickly! I've spent them in a growing relationship with the God of the universe and a rich community of believers. Another seven years from now will very likely (honestly, hopefully) hold massive life transitions. Most importantly though, I desire to have a growing and active relationship with God, making the most of every opportunity to enjoy His love for me and to share that love with others.
"11 For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. 12 Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. 13 You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." Jeremiah 29:11-13
I wonder if the next seven years that Jacob worked for Laban passed as quickly. I mean, Laban had already deceived Jacob once. Surely Jacob would have doubted Laban's faithfulness to their agreement. Jacob obviously really wanted to be married to Rachel, and he ended up having to wait a total of 14 years to get what he wanted. I can't even imagine that!
Looking back seven years ago, I remember myself preparing to start college in the Fall. I was looking forward to getting away from Akron and going to BG so much that I'd had all my stuff packed since June. The last seven years, I have truly transformed into a completely different person. I still have a lot of the same struggles I had then and my closest friends from that first year are still very close friends of mine. The only friend I saw the summer after freshman year is now my very best friend, and the first woman I really let myself be vulnerable with I still get to hang out with every so often after church!
Even with so much still being the same, I have been completely transformed! Seven years ago, I thought my heart was for God and I desired to pursue His will, but really I had no clue how to even pursue Him about what His will might be. I had no idea how prone I was to pursuing my own will rather than His, even when I knew they were in complete opposition. I had never imagined that I had the capacity to hurt people with my words. Seven years ago, my closest friends were not very close at all.
Trusting God has definitely been the largest area of growth in the last seven years, and I still definitely struggle with it. The first couple years I spent learning just who God is: His love for me, the depth of His grace, how He desires a deep relationship with me. After that, I started facing huge trials where I would have to choose repeatedly to pursue God, to trust His will even if it meant I never got what I thought I wanted, and to live to please Him. Junior year, a very significant gash was put in my relationship with God and I spent the following three years keeping Him at arms length so that He wouldn't hurt me again. I was still listening to His will for my life but only by His grace continued walking in it, though very begrudgingly at times. The last two years have found me with the most active relationship with God I could have ever imagined! Granted, a lot of it's been me struggling in the same two specific areas of my life, but I have known the entire time that I'm not doing any of it on my own! Emmanuel -God with us- has truly been my life these past couple years, and it's been wonderful! Last summer, a girl I'd met only a couple months earlier commented that she could see how God truly adored me. Not that He doesn't adore everyone, but the richness of my relationship with Him was obvious to her.
So yeah, definitely the same struggles I had seven years ago, but I'm neither ignoring those struggles nor am I trying to go it alone. Looking back, the last seven years have actually gone very quickly! I've spent them in a growing relationship with the God of the universe and a rich community of believers. Another seven years from now will very likely (honestly, hopefully) hold massive life transitions. Most importantly though, I desire to have a growing and active relationship with God, making the most of every opportunity to enjoy His love for me and to share that love with others.
"11 For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. 12 Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. 13 You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." Jeremiah 29:11-13
Thursday, July 21, 2011
Back to the healing process
I may have digressed recently from my original intent to include you in on the healing process God's taking me through, though honestly everything I've written relates to this specific season of the journey.
God's been challenging me to see Him as faithful. Upon a friend's confusion about why I need God to speak again, and in a different way, when I believe I've already heard Him, just so that I can really believe it is from Him, I questioned what has motivated that need for the extra confirmation. The answer was pretty obvious.
Based on my past experiences, I have a very well-developed theory that people, and therefore God, over-promise and under-deliver. Forgive me if this is too personal, but writing it here is really beneficial for me. When I was a kid, my dad would make all sorts of promises that for most people aren't that big of a deal. Promises to pick us up on the weekend, to call during the week, to call at all. As a teenager, I would go months without hearing from him (I mean, CT to OH is a long ways away, but still) and during my senior year in high school, I bluntly sent him a letter asking if he wanted a relationship with me. I had just become a Christian and was going through a really bold stage of my life, and I felt a need to know where my dad and I stood. I was sick of expecting him to be a legitimate dad and getting disappointed repeatedly, and as a result buying the lie that I wasn't worth his attention, time, or even his love. He called a very short time later, and communication with him was actually relatively consistent through the first couple years of college. But it tapered off again, to where I literally spoke with him maybe three times since last summer.
I remember being 8ish and watching out the window of my mom's apartment waiting for my dad to arrive to pick me and my sister up for the weekend. When the time got close to when he was supposed to arrive, I would start predicting, "Five more blue cars coming from one direction and it'll be him." I don't know how many times he actually did show up, but I do know that he frequently did not. As this disappointment grew, I got sick of expecting him to arrive and one time decided that even if he did show up, I wasn't gonna go. He came that day, and my sister spent the weekend with him. At some point in all of this, I gave up on believing he actually wanted to spend time with me. I became a skeptic when people made promises.
Being skeptical about promises has served me well to 'predict the future.' As my mom's gotten in relationships and it's gotten difficult, (like all relationships always do) I've decided it's not gonna last. Embarrassingly, my mom got real sick of me, starting at age 12, telling her "I told you so." It's incredibly unfortunate that I've been right all these times. I mean, when I finally find myself in the marriage relationship I've desired my entire life, my skepticism is gonna come out after every argument. While I started realizing that just because a relationship goes through a tough patch doesn't mean it can't last in my mom's last relationship, it still didn't last. Now though, this skepticism is really messing with my relationship with God.
I know God to be faithful to His promises, and let's be honest, I'm really good at hunting down evidence of His promises being met! I remember as a new Christian reading the major and minor prophets in the Old Testament and deciding that a bunch of the prophecies were referring to events from the Holocaust and how God brought the Jews back to their promised land after WWII. Don't judge! It began my understanding of God's faithfulness to His chosen people. As the prophecies about Jesus unfolded at the same time I was learning about Jesus for the first time, I remember being completely transfixed by it all! Now, I have no doubt about my eternal destiny and Jesus' evident return. However, when I think God's communicated something specific about the direction of my life, that while scripture supports God speaking, it doesn't lay it out as clearly as I'd like, I find myself fighting against believing it. While I have evidence of God having spoken, and even the confirmation of peace (and more) that it was God speaking, I don't see the practical evidence of it actually happening. Now, when God says something about my future I'm not particularly excited about or invested in, His simple direction and peace is more than enough for me to trust Him. At the moment, God's challenging me to trust in His promises about something I actually really want, and it has thoroughly brought out all of my past wounds left by my father's broken humanity and my mother's taste in unreliable men.
Last weekend, God shared a part of His plan for my life with me. This coming weekend I'm hoping He heals a lot of the emotional scars left so many years ago that Satan desires to continually point and laugh at.
God's been challenging me to see Him as faithful. Upon a friend's confusion about why I need God to speak again, and in a different way, when I believe I've already heard Him, just so that I can really believe it is from Him, I questioned what has motivated that need for the extra confirmation. The answer was pretty obvious.
Based on my past experiences, I have a very well-developed theory that people, and therefore God, over-promise and under-deliver. Forgive me if this is too personal, but writing it here is really beneficial for me. When I was a kid, my dad would make all sorts of promises that for most people aren't that big of a deal. Promises to pick us up on the weekend, to call during the week, to call at all. As a teenager, I would go months without hearing from him (I mean, CT to OH is a long ways away, but still) and during my senior year in high school, I bluntly sent him a letter asking if he wanted a relationship with me. I had just become a Christian and was going through a really bold stage of my life, and I felt a need to know where my dad and I stood. I was sick of expecting him to be a legitimate dad and getting disappointed repeatedly, and as a result buying the lie that I wasn't worth his attention, time, or even his love. He called a very short time later, and communication with him was actually relatively consistent through the first couple years of college. But it tapered off again, to where I literally spoke with him maybe three times since last summer.
I remember being 8ish and watching out the window of my mom's apartment waiting for my dad to arrive to pick me and my sister up for the weekend. When the time got close to when he was supposed to arrive, I would start predicting, "Five more blue cars coming from one direction and it'll be him." I don't know how many times he actually did show up, but I do know that he frequently did not. As this disappointment grew, I got sick of expecting him to arrive and one time decided that even if he did show up, I wasn't gonna go. He came that day, and my sister spent the weekend with him. At some point in all of this, I gave up on believing he actually wanted to spend time with me. I became a skeptic when people made promises.
Being skeptical about promises has served me well to 'predict the future.' As my mom's gotten in relationships and it's gotten difficult, (like all relationships always do) I've decided it's not gonna last. Embarrassingly, my mom got real sick of me, starting at age 12, telling her "I told you so." It's incredibly unfortunate that I've been right all these times. I mean, when I finally find myself in the marriage relationship I've desired my entire life, my skepticism is gonna come out after every argument. While I started realizing that just because a relationship goes through a tough patch doesn't mean it can't last in my mom's last relationship, it still didn't last. Now though, this skepticism is really messing with my relationship with God.
I know God to be faithful to His promises, and let's be honest, I'm really good at hunting down evidence of His promises being met! I remember as a new Christian reading the major and minor prophets in the Old Testament and deciding that a bunch of the prophecies were referring to events from the Holocaust and how God brought the Jews back to their promised land after WWII. Don't judge! It began my understanding of God's faithfulness to His chosen people. As the prophecies about Jesus unfolded at the same time I was learning about Jesus for the first time, I remember being completely transfixed by it all! Now, I have no doubt about my eternal destiny and Jesus' evident return. However, when I think God's communicated something specific about the direction of my life, that while scripture supports God speaking, it doesn't lay it out as clearly as I'd like, I find myself fighting against believing it. While I have evidence of God having spoken, and even the confirmation of peace (and more) that it was God speaking, I don't see the practical evidence of it actually happening. Now, when God says something about my future I'm not particularly excited about or invested in, His simple direction and peace is more than enough for me to trust Him. At the moment, God's challenging me to trust in His promises about something I actually really want, and it has thoroughly brought out all of my past wounds left by my father's broken humanity and my mother's taste in unreliable men.
Last weekend, God shared a part of His plan for my life with me. This coming weekend I'm hoping He heals a lot of the emotional scars left so many years ago that Satan desires to continually point and laugh at.
Saturday, July 16, 2011
God is faithful...
...and that is really all that matters!
Since the last post, God's been challenging me in several ways asking if I actually believe His faithfulness to be true. Satan's hoping I give up on God's faithfulness and instead fight to take care of things myself. God is continuing to remind me of all the ways I've seen Him be faithful. I feel more like an Isrealite than ever before, needing constant reminders of their earlier Exodus from Egypt to follow God in the present day. Even above and beyond, God has been faithful to provide those reminders Himself.
I was leisurely clicking around on http://www.h2okent.com/ and came upon the 3-year reunion video that I'd seen twice before. I decided to watch it again to make sure it worked and then share it with my best friend who hadn't seen it yet. I ended up watching it all the way through and at the end of it was so struck about what God did with the 21 people He led to plant a church at Kent State! Hearing specific stories about this church's impact on the students now involved is phenomenal! Thinking about how He called me out here, and how I seriously questioned it a year later, and even how challenging the first two years were for me to adjust, it's just amazing that He used even me to impact some of the people at Kent. We were so little when we left BG!! Now, we're so big, and while numbers alone aren't everything, the numbers of lives being changed through this church is indeed everything that the Church is designed to be! I remember a meeting before we left where we were truly encouraged to "dream big." I remember things being written down, but I don't remember anything on it. I'm praying that someone from the launch team still has that list, but I'm positive things on it were met these past three years, because I know God! I know of His faithfulness and His truth. I believe He is faithful to do what we ask when it lines up with His will, and based on how lives are being changed, I know this church has been in His will!
I dreamed big before, and I'm certain God's delivered. I've seen people dreaming big and things happening. The phrase "dream big" has always made me think of BGSU's advertising slogan my freshman year of "Dream B!G" and it always brings a warm, fuzzy feeling! Here I am, 7 years later, deciding again to "dream b!g" believing God will be glorified as He accomplishes those dreams! I feel so honored at the privilege of seeing the Creator of the universe be faithful to the prayers of such broken, unfaithful people, myself obviously included. I'm listening to Stephen Curtis Chapman's song "Speechless" right now, and that's exactly how I feel when I reflect on God's faithfulness!
Since the last post, God's been challenging me in several ways asking if I actually believe His faithfulness to be true. Satan's hoping I give up on God's faithfulness and instead fight to take care of things myself. God is continuing to remind me of all the ways I've seen Him be faithful. I feel more like an Isrealite than ever before, needing constant reminders of their earlier Exodus from Egypt to follow God in the present day. Even above and beyond, God has been faithful to provide those reminders Himself.
I was leisurely clicking around on http://www.h2okent.com/ and came upon the 3-year reunion video that I'd seen twice before. I decided to watch it again to make sure it worked and then share it with my best friend who hadn't seen it yet. I ended up watching it all the way through and at the end of it was so struck about what God did with the 21 people He led to plant a church at Kent State! Hearing specific stories about this church's impact on the students now involved is phenomenal! Thinking about how He called me out here, and how I seriously questioned it a year later, and even how challenging the first two years were for me to adjust, it's just amazing that He used even me to impact some of the people at Kent. We were so little when we left BG!! Now, we're so big, and while numbers alone aren't everything, the numbers of lives being changed through this church is indeed everything that the Church is designed to be! I remember a meeting before we left where we were truly encouraged to "dream big." I remember things being written down, but I don't remember anything on it. I'm praying that someone from the launch team still has that list, but I'm positive things on it were met these past three years, because I know God! I know of His faithfulness and His truth. I believe He is faithful to do what we ask when it lines up with His will, and based on how lives are being changed, I know this church has been in His will!
I dreamed big before, and I'm certain God's delivered. I've seen people dreaming big and things happening. The phrase "dream big" has always made me think of BGSU's advertising slogan my freshman year of "Dream B!G" and it always brings a warm, fuzzy feeling! Here I am, 7 years later, deciding again to "dream b!g" believing God will be glorified as He accomplishes those dreams! I feel so honored at the privilege of seeing the Creator of the universe be faithful to the prayers of such broken, unfaithful people, myself obviously included. I'm listening to Stephen Curtis Chapman's song "Speechless" right now, and that's exactly how I feel when I reflect on God's faithfulness!
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
God's been AMAZING!!!
It seems like lately God's been messing with my world a bit. I'll make plans for something specific to happen, and I'm feeling good about those plans. A lot of times, I've prayed through those plans, made sure they were wise, had it truly all mapped out. Then, as it gets to crunch time with those plans, they seem to suddenly fall through...literally.
Getting a new car: my car breaks down in February. Definitely a wise decision to get a new one. Pray that God would open up doors to a car. Go to a dealership about an awesome Aveo. I need a co-signor...no one's willing to co-sign for me. I talk to the salesman, he spends a day seeing if I can get the loan on my own, but doesn't have high hopes. Lo-and-behold, I get the loan and have the car!
Completing my Master's Degree: finally looking at graduating in May. Wisely schedule my defense the week before the deadline in case I have to make edits, and need to submit the final curriculum the week beforehand, so two weeks before the absolute deadline which was the Friday before Spring Break. Doesn't even seem close to done that Wednesday! My committee can all reschedule for the Wednesday just before Spring Break...but I wouldn't have time to make dramatic corrections. And I didn't even know if I'd be able to get what I had left done in seven days. Two all-nighters later, and 9pm Wednesday night it was done. The following week it was completely approved, even highly acclaimed, with minimal corrections. I did graduate in May!
Going to Colorado for vacation: was planning on road tripping with Beth, and incredibly excited for the time off work and to see many, many friends. Everything was set up a month in advance. Nine days before we were gonna leave, Beth bailed. I texted so many people and no one could get the time off work or had the money or could not go to class for the week. Then I called my mom suggesting a vacation for her. The vacation was almost guaranteed the following day and officially approved five days later!
Staying in Kent this coming school year: was NOT planning to stay in Kent past this summer, then God clearly (in many, many ways all documented in another post) said, "Stay." After 10 days of prayer and seeking counsel, I knew it was from God and began pursuing a roommate. Four days later, there were three of us, all willing to live in College Towers, in my favorite type of apartment because of the size of the living room (totally serious!!) Everything is looking great in May. Then, none of the paperwork or the moving in costs from my roommates gets sent in...and it's the beginning of July, with a lease starting August 1st! July 10th, the third roommate bails and me and the other roommate can't afford it ourselves. The seemingly only third roommate option seemed incredibly unlikely, and at this point (IN JULY) there are no one-bedroom apartments available in Kent, a college-town. I'm talking to my best friend the next day, and she suggests talking to her younger sister, knowing that she was looking to move outta their parents' place. I call her that night, she agrees to come down the next day (the 12th) to see how long of a drive Kent is from work. I arrive at 7, and she tells me the drive isn't bad and she says, "Yes" to being our third roommate. TWO DAYS AFTER THE ORIGINAL THIRD ROOMMATE BAILS!!!!!!!!
God is ridiculous!! Amazing for sure! But absolutely ridiculous! It's like God lets me plan things, even believing He's really in those plans, then has them literally almost completely fall through just so He can show me how He's gonna come through in the end! I would say He seems to have a pride issue, but then I remember, "It's GOD! He has every right to show off!" It's so good! But really, I'd rather not make wise, logical, even prayerful plans for Him to completely change them in the end. It makes just before the end very stressful!
But, all the same, God is SO SO SOOO GOOD and faithful!! I know God has been in each one of these decisions (and others, even recently, that I can't think of off the top of my head) and while the path has been different than I'd anticipated, it has still been God being faithful to providing for what He has asked me to do (stay), or laid in my heart to pursue (Master's Degree), or affirmed the wisdom of a decision (new car), or knows I need (a vacation). Absolutely, positively crazy how wonderful our God truly is to His children!!!
Getting a new car: my car breaks down in February. Definitely a wise decision to get a new one. Pray that God would open up doors to a car. Go to a dealership about an awesome Aveo. I need a co-signor...no one's willing to co-sign for me. I talk to the salesman, he spends a day seeing if I can get the loan on my own, but doesn't have high hopes. Lo-and-behold, I get the loan and have the car!
Completing my Master's Degree: finally looking at graduating in May. Wisely schedule my defense the week before the deadline in case I have to make edits, and need to submit the final curriculum the week beforehand, so two weeks before the absolute deadline which was the Friday before Spring Break. Doesn't even seem close to done that Wednesday! My committee can all reschedule for the Wednesday just before Spring Break...but I wouldn't have time to make dramatic corrections. And I didn't even know if I'd be able to get what I had left done in seven days. Two all-nighters later, and 9pm Wednesday night it was done. The following week it was completely approved, even highly acclaimed, with minimal corrections. I did graduate in May!
Going to Colorado for vacation: was planning on road tripping with Beth, and incredibly excited for the time off work and to see many, many friends. Everything was set up a month in advance. Nine days before we were gonna leave, Beth bailed. I texted so many people and no one could get the time off work or had the money or could not go to class for the week. Then I called my mom suggesting a vacation for her. The vacation was almost guaranteed the following day and officially approved five days later!
Staying in Kent this coming school year: was NOT planning to stay in Kent past this summer, then God clearly (in many, many ways all documented in another post) said, "Stay." After 10 days of prayer and seeking counsel, I knew it was from God and began pursuing a roommate. Four days later, there were three of us, all willing to live in College Towers, in my favorite type of apartment because of the size of the living room (totally serious!!) Everything is looking great in May. Then, none of the paperwork or the moving in costs from my roommates gets sent in...and it's the beginning of July, with a lease starting August 1st! July 10th, the third roommate bails and me and the other roommate can't afford it ourselves. The seemingly only third roommate option seemed incredibly unlikely, and at this point (IN JULY) there are no one-bedroom apartments available in Kent, a college-town. I'm talking to my best friend the next day, and she suggests talking to her younger sister, knowing that she was looking to move outta their parents' place. I call her that night, she agrees to come down the next day (the 12th) to see how long of a drive Kent is from work. I arrive at 7, and she tells me the drive isn't bad and she says, "Yes" to being our third roommate. TWO DAYS AFTER THE ORIGINAL THIRD ROOMMATE BAILS!!!!!!!!
God is ridiculous!! Amazing for sure! But absolutely ridiculous! It's like God lets me plan things, even believing He's really in those plans, then has them literally almost completely fall through just so He can show me how He's gonna come through in the end! I would say He seems to have a pride issue, but then I remember, "It's GOD! He has every right to show off!" It's so good! But really, I'd rather not make wise, logical, even prayerful plans for Him to completely change them in the end. It makes just before the end very stressful!
But, all the same, God is SO SO SOOO GOOD and faithful!! I know God has been in each one of these decisions (and others, even recently, that I can't think of off the top of my head) and while the path has been different than I'd anticipated, it has still been God being faithful to providing for what He has asked me to do (stay), or laid in my heart to pursue (Master's Degree), or affirmed the wisdom of a decision (new car), or knows I need (a vacation). Absolutely, positively crazy how wonderful our God truly is to His children!!!
Sunday, July 10, 2011
I can be slightly obsessive...
I've had a lot happen in my past where I've felt like I've gotten the short end of the stick...I learned somewhere that kids who lived at one time in severely deprived families can go to another good home and, out of fear for when they'll eat again, they horde food from one meal, just in case they don't get another. Lately, there's been something in my life that has quite literally shoved me into the arms of God. The situation, from my perspective, has been so desperate that I've needed every bit of my security in it to come from God, and I've known it, so I've been pursuing Him hardcore. However, I've begun noticing that some of my relationships may be suffering because of how single-minded I have been about this issue...if not actually obsessive, definitely borderline.
Now, my friendships slipping from my fingers is definitely a pretty stark sign that something is very wrong and needs to be changed, but I have loved how this struggle has caused me to find myself desperate for God's comfort and security. So, I'm finding myself personally challenged to set down this situation, but incredibly anxious to do so lest I return to thinking I can handle the things going on in my life by myself.
What would it look like to set this down? Well, there would be a lot less worry about the situation. I might actually be able to be focused enough to get on top of my responsibilities for work. I would have much shorter phone conversations with people who are probably getting close to sick of listening to me. But really, I'd rather be crying in Daddy's arms, while He comforts me and tries to calm me down, than be set down on my own two feet. Ha-I really want to play with the other kids while being held in Daddy's arms...but I don't know if that's exactly possible...
Now, my friendships slipping from my fingers is definitely a pretty stark sign that something is very wrong and needs to be changed, but I have loved how this struggle has caused me to find myself desperate for God's comfort and security. So, I'm finding myself personally challenged to set down this situation, but incredibly anxious to do so lest I return to thinking I can handle the things going on in my life by myself.
What would it look like to set this down? Well, there would be a lot less worry about the situation. I might actually be able to be focused enough to get on top of my responsibilities for work. I would have much shorter phone conversations with people who are probably getting close to sick of listening to me. But really, I'd rather be crying in Daddy's arms, while He comforts me and tries to calm me down, than be set down on my own two feet. Ha-I really want to play with the other kids while being held in Daddy's arms...but I don't know if that's exactly possible...
Thursday, July 7, 2011
Gross, Gross, Gross, Gross, Gross!!!
God said college ministry again!!!
I was just talking to a friend about wanting to explore if my passion for low-income families would translate into my future profession. Totally just kinda rambling to her about what I was thinking for my life next year, nothing unusual. Right around that time a good friend who I'd also just been talking to texts me this "you are possibly my only mentor who i love talking to about all things because you talk through and with love. The love Jesus gives you." I read it while still on the phone, and was touched (but preoccupied) and texted back :-) I read it a little later...and did not quite experience the same warm, fuzzy feeling...
Instead, God once again said, "College ministry." I said, "NO!", dropped my phone on the lap desk, put my head in my hands and shook it back and forth with multiple "uh-uh"s. Now sometimes the "college ministry" whispers are instigated by something else God is doing in my life, and I am at peace about categorizing those as being unlikely from God. But this last one, was VERY abrupt and completely unrelated to that "something else."
WHAT THE FREAKING HECK DOES THIS MEAN???!!! I, simply put, don't want to do college ministry; it is not my passion! God knows it is not my passion, so why does He keep bringing it up?? Three to five months ago, God got me to be okay with saying yes if He calls me to go into college ministry, with the understanding that He's not gonna completely disregard my own passions. Well, over these past months, He's clearly shown me my wiring for college ministry and how beautifully He's been using me in His Church the last seven years. So, I'm okay with that, especially since knowing that He's told me to stay I can be sure He is gonna continue using me here...but WHAT IS THIS??? Could I have the talent and the calling, but not the passion for college ministry?? Would God do that?
I wrote all that last night before externally processing for an hour and a half with a good friend. And now, almost 24 hours later, I'm at peace about staying involved with college ministry until God tells me to go elsewhere. Now, I don't know what that is gonna look like, and really, I'm not interested in knowing anything for sure yet. This much is definitely enough for at least a couple months! *hint hint* I'm still not super excited about college ministry itself, but I am thrilled that God has revealed a small part of His will last night! Not to mention the interest He's taken in knitting me into a person to fulfill His beautiful purpose for my life! Yeah, I believe that the God who created the universe has developed specific talents and put me in incredibly unique situations and relationships that have revealed the way through which He desires to most glorify Himself!! How AMAZING!!!
I was just talking to a friend about wanting to explore if my passion for low-income families would translate into my future profession. Totally just kinda rambling to her about what I was thinking for my life next year, nothing unusual. Right around that time a good friend who I'd also just been talking to texts me this "you are possibly my only mentor who i love talking to about all things because you talk through and with love. The love Jesus gives you." I read it while still on the phone, and was touched (but preoccupied) and texted back :-) I read it a little later...and did not quite experience the same warm, fuzzy feeling...
Instead, God once again said, "College ministry." I said, "NO!", dropped my phone on the lap desk, put my head in my hands and shook it back and forth with multiple "uh-uh"s. Now sometimes the "college ministry" whispers are instigated by something else God is doing in my life, and I am at peace about categorizing those as being unlikely from God. But this last one, was VERY abrupt and completely unrelated to that "something else."
WHAT THE FREAKING HECK DOES THIS MEAN???!!! I, simply put, don't want to do college ministry; it is not my passion! God knows it is not my passion, so why does He keep bringing it up?? Three to five months ago, God got me to be okay with saying yes if He calls me to go into college ministry, with the understanding that He's not gonna completely disregard my own passions. Well, over these past months, He's clearly shown me my wiring for college ministry and how beautifully He's been using me in His Church the last seven years. So, I'm okay with that, especially since knowing that He's told me to stay I can be sure He is gonna continue using me here...but WHAT IS THIS??? Could I have the talent and the calling, but not the passion for college ministry?? Would God do that?
I wrote all that last night before externally processing for an hour and a half with a good friend. And now, almost 24 hours later, I'm at peace about staying involved with college ministry until God tells me to go elsewhere. Now, I don't know what that is gonna look like, and really, I'm not interested in knowing anything for sure yet. This much is definitely enough for at least a couple months! *hint hint* I'm still not super excited about college ministry itself, but I am thrilled that God has revealed a small part of His will last night! Not to mention the interest He's taken in knitting me into a person to fulfill His beautiful purpose for my life! Yeah, I believe that the God who created the universe has developed specific talents and put me in incredibly unique situations and relationships that have revealed the way through which He desires to most glorify Himself!! How AMAZING!!!
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
One Step at a Time...
GROSS!!!
Well, there's my living situation in the Fall. The roommates are kinda far away (NC and Colorado)...and don't seem too aware that technically our lease is supposed to begin in four weeks...and one of the girls has turned in no paperwork, and neither of the other girls have sent in their application fees/security deposit. I talked with the leasing office today and it sounds like they have a place reserved for us they just need to make sure we're still interested and were concerned about my living situation for early August while they're getting the apartment ready. So, I'm definitely praying that the peace God gave me about staying in Kent next year will stay steady and things will continue to fall into place smoothly.
Then, there's my freakin' bank account! This is super embarrassing to admit, but I have over-drafted more than 10 times in the past six weeks, but have actually had enough money to cover everything in the bank...just not in the account I actually use. 10 over-draft fees at $39 each equals $390 out the window. I desperately need to get all my money in one account...otherwise I'm gonna over-draft AGAIN, only this time it'll be my rent check...and I'll be getting a generous paycheck on Friday.
Last night, I was super stressed out about everything. I couldn't sleep (very unusual for me) and all I wanted to do was to cope with the stress by stepping into my fantasy world that God has convicted me repeatedly for and has brought people into my life to hold me accountable to not stumbling in it. So, I decided instead to take a shower and get my mind off it for a little bit. After my shower, I spent time with God and He brought my mind to Matthew 8:23-27 where the disciples (fishermen) are on a boat with Jesus and Jesus is sleeping, then a really bad storm comes and they have to wake Him up and then He calms the storm. God was totally asking me to go to Him and wake Him up, knowing that I couldn't handle the storm, but He absolutely could (and would) calm it for me. I so badly wanted to not have to be the responsible one for once, and God simply said He wants to take care of everything, and just wanted me to admit I couldn't, ask Him to take the wheel, and then rest against Him. I spoke with the leasing office before leaving for work this morning and they said that they had the apartment reserved for us, they just need to know that we are absolutely for sure gonna live there for the year. What a relief!
So far as the here and now finances are concerned, I was really worried I wasn't gonna have time to get all my money in one account since I work 9:30-5:30 half an hour away, and I can't wait til Saturday. Well, I arrived to work this morning to my co-worker asking me if I could work the opening shift tomorrow (7-3), which means I'll have time after work to get to the bank and close those two extraneous accounts. I have a little bit of money to deposit and some money owed to call in that should make me break even. Not to mention I get paid on Friday and they won't get the check til tomorrow (Wednesday) so if they put off depositing it just a couple short days, I would be in real good shape!
God promises that the storms don't last forever and I'm for sure looking forward to seeing the rainbow at the end of it. Also though, storms are definitely a good time for God to show Himself incredibly wonderful, in spite of how scary they may be. I grew up in a family that loved watching storms...especially the ones that seemed to make me the most nervous (you know, bright lightning bolts, loud, rattling thunder, but not a drop of rain) and as soon as I learned that a big storm in the summer meant a cold-front was on its way I would look forward to its passing through. Now, I think God is challenging me to embrace the storm, and to even enjoy the scary lightening and thunder because of how it makes me cling to Him.
Hoping to learn to rest in the care of my great and beautiful Savior in the midst of this life.
Well, there's my living situation in the Fall. The roommates are kinda far away (NC and Colorado)...and don't seem too aware that technically our lease is supposed to begin in four weeks...and one of the girls has turned in no paperwork, and neither of the other girls have sent in their application fees/security deposit. I talked with the leasing office today and it sounds like they have a place reserved for us they just need to make sure we're still interested and were concerned about my living situation for early August while they're getting the apartment ready. So, I'm definitely praying that the peace God gave me about staying in Kent next year will stay steady and things will continue to fall into place smoothly.
Then, there's my freakin' bank account! This is super embarrassing to admit, but I have over-drafted more than 10 times in the past six weeks, but have actually had enough money to cover everything in the bank...just not in the account I actually use. 10 over-draft fees at $39 each equals $390 out the window. I desperately need to get all my money in one account...otherwise I'm gonna over-draft AGAIN, only this time it'll be my rent check...and I'll be getting a generous paycheck on Friday.
Last night, I was super stressed out about everything. I couldn't sleep (very unusual for me) and all I wanted to do was to cope with the stress by stepping into my fantasy world that God has convicted me repeatedly for and has brought people into my life to hold me accountable to not stumbling in it. So, I decided instead to take a shower and get my mind off it for a little bit. After my shower, I spent time with God and He brought my mind to Matthew 8:23-27 where the disciples (fishermen) are on a boat with Jesus and Jesus is sleeping, then a really bad storm comes and they have to wake Him up and then He calms the storm. God was totally asking me to go to Him and wake Him up, knowing that I couldn't handle the storm, but He absolutely could (and would) calm it for me. I so badly wanted to not have to be the responsible one for once, and God simply said He wants to take care of everything, and just wanted me to admit I couldn't, ask Him to take the wheel, and then rest against Him. I spoke with the leasing office before leaving for work this morning and they said that they had the apartment reserved for us, they just need to know that we are absolutely for sure gonna live there for the year. What a relief!
So far as the here and now finances are concerned, I was really worried I wasn't gonna have time to get all my money in one account since I work 9:30-5:30 half an hour away, and I can't wait til Saturday. Well, I arrived to work this morning to my co-worker asking me if I could work the opening shift tomorrow (7-3), which means I'll have time after work to get to the bank and close those two extraneous accounts. I have a little bit of money to deposit and some money owed to call in that should make me break even. Not to mention I get paid on Friday and they won't get the check til tomorrow (Wednesday) so if they put off depositing it just a couple short days, I would be in real good shape!
God promises that the storms don't last forever and I'm for sure looking forward to seeing the rainbow at the end of it. Also though, storms are definitely a good time for God to show Himself incredibly wonderful, in spite of how scary they may be. I grew up in a family that loved watching storms...especially the ones that seemed to make me the most nervous (you know, bright lightning bolts, loud, rattling thunder, but not a drop of rain) and as soon as I learned that a big storm in the summer meant a cold-front was on its way I would look forward to its passing through. Now, I think God is challenging me to embrace the storm, and to even enjoy the scary lightening and thunder because of how it makes me cling to Him.
Hoping to learn to rest in the care of my great and beautiful Savior in the midst of this life.
Saturday, July 2, 2011
Why can't vacation be real life??
Vacationing in Colorado was probably the best thing I could have done with my time last week...except now I'm back in Kent and don't wanna return to real life. I spent Sunday afternoon through Wednesday afternoon hanging out with very good friends I haven't seen in over a month, and I miss them already. On Tuesday, I have to return to my 40+ hours a week job and hope that there is time to hang out with my very good friends here.
Transitioning is always really difficult for me...there's the grieving what been left mixed with the anxiety about what's next. You'd think I'd be used to it with all the moving I did as a kid and changing schools, but I don't think I'll ever be used to transitions. So, where's the thread of peace in this transition? Well, I know God arranged it for me to go out to Colorado, and He knew all that was gonna happen out there, so I can return to "real life" confident that I'm within His will. Really though...this isn't even real life. Real life is when I'm with Jesus. That's the life I was created for, and I can be with Jesus anywhere. And right now, this summer, my job is my mission field. Last week was just a little refresher on how important community is
Transitioning is always really difficult for me...there's the grieving what been left mixed with the anxiety about what's next. You'd think I'd be used to it with all the moving I did as a kid and changing schools, but I don't think I'll ever be used to transitions. So, where's the thread of peace in this transition? Well, I know God arranged it for me to go out to Colorado, and He knew all that was gonna happen out there, so I can return to "real life" confident that I'm within His will. Really though...this isn't even real life. Real life is when I'm with Jesus. That's the life I was created for, and I can be with Jesus anywhere. And right now, this summer, my job is my mission field. Last week was just a little refresher on how important community is
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
I don't like not being perfect...
Right, but who does really!?
This week has already been more than a little stressful...Monday I worked 11 hours, Tuesday I worked 9.5, and today I got it down to 8.5. As much as I've developed a "big girl" voice the past couple years, it's still not loud enough for 10 year old boys to choose to listen when they're having their own conversations. On top of not that, I keep dropping the ball with administrative stuff: Not having materials ready to go for projects; not making time to get copies done; forgetting to grab the papers that need copies made...the list continues. Then today while swimming, a life guard had to jump into the pool to get one of the kids and when dad called later upset that she, as a non-swimmer, didn't have a life jacket when he thought all non-swimmers were given one, I slightly choked. He was really calm about it (surprising) but definitely wanted me to have my director contact him immediately, who of course i couldn't get a hold of...so had to leave a detailed message. In that situation, there was literally nothing I could have done differently to prevent it or make dad less upset about it, outside of requiring every non-swimmer to wear a life jacket in water only 3 feet deep.
I've really come face to face with my desire to be perfect lately. Stuff with work, I want to meet and surpass every expectation placed on me (whether real or imaginary). In life, I want to never sin, and if I find myself struggling with sin, I wanna take drastic measures (that could be sinful in and of themselves) to make it stop. Recently, I've been really frustrated with a specific struggle and last night was one (of many) peaks of the frustration. In the moment, God told me I wasn't perfect and didn't have to be. As much as He is a perfect God, He realizes that I can't be perfect and is completely okay with it! Yeah, there is a sanctification process, but it is not by my doing or my timing, but by His! I can (and do) take protective measures against this struggle, but I, myself, can't force it to completely go away. God could, but for right now (and the last three months) He is using it to remind me that His "grace is sufficient for [me], for [His] power is made perfect in weakness."(2 Corinthians 12:9) Shortly before God reminded me of this ever-important truth I was praying He would show His power...realizing just now what my end of that prayer is...to be weak. UGH!!!
18I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. 19For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do--this I keep on doing... 22For in my inner being I delight in God's law; 23but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members. 24What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? 25Thanks be to God--through Jesus Christ our Lord!
Romans 7:18b-19, 22-25a
That about sums it up!
This week has already been more than a little stressful...Monday I worked 11 hours, Tuesday I worked 9.5, and today I got it down to 8.5. As much as I've developed a "big girl" voice the past couple years, it's still not loud enough for 10 year old boys to choose to listen when they're having their own conversations. On top of not that, I keep dropping the ball with administrative stuff: Not having materials ready to go for projects; not making time to get copies done; forgetting to grab the papers that need copies made...the list continues. Then today while swimming, a life guard had to jump into the pool to get one of the kids and when dad called later upset that she, as a non-swimmer, didn't have a life jacket when he thought all non-swimmers were given one, I slightly choked. He was really calm about it (surprising) but definitely wanted me to have my director contact him immediately, who of course i couldn't get a hold of...so had to leave a detailed message. In that situation, there was literally nothing I could have done differently to prevent it or make dad less upset about it, outside of requiring every non-swimmer to wear a life jacket in water only 3 feet deep.
I've really come face to face with my desire to be perfect lately. Stuff with work, I want to meet and surpass every expectation placed on me (whether real or imaginary). In life, I want to never sin, and if I find myself struggling with sin, I wanna take drastic measures (that could be sinful in and of themselves) to make it stop. Recently, I've been really frustrated with a specific struggle and last night was one (of many) peaks of the frustration. In the moment, God told me I wasn't perfect and didn't have to be. As much as He is a perfect God, He realizes that I can't be perfect and is completely okay with it! Yeah, there is a sanctification process, but it is not by my doing or my timing, but by His! I can (and do) take protective measures against this struggle, but I, myself, can't force it to completely go away. God could, but for right now (and the last three months) He is using it to remind me that His "grace is sufficient for [me], for [His] power is made perfect in weakness."(2 Corinthians 12:9) Shortly before God reminded me of this ever-important truth I was praying He would show His power...realizing just now what my end of that prayer is...to be weak. UGH!!!
18I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. 19For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do--this I keep on doing... 22For in my inner being I delight in God's law; 23but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members. 24What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? 25Thanks be to God--through Jesus Christ our Lord!
Romans 7:18b-19, 22-25a
That about sums it up!
Sunday, June 12, 2011
Where are my post-its?? I need my post-its!!!
Yep, that was me about an hour ago...and I'm still not ready for tomorrow...aka the first day of camp!
I get really overwhelmed the first day of anything (you should have seen me as a kid on my first day of school, that often happened three times every two years because of moving around a bunch. NOT a pretty picture!) Yeah, this job is definitely making me realize why God didn't lead me to be a teacher! Planning and preparing are definitely not my strengths...yet I tend to think my plans are still better than God's...interesting...
With all the paper I've used for copies, I'm sure I've destroyed a couple trees, and still have at least one more tree worth of copying to do. This week is gonna be really rough...tomorrow I have to make some more copies before work, work 9 hours, probably do more copying, and then I'm getting dinner with my sister before she leaves for Chicago on Tuesday. Tuesday, I'm working another 9 hours (our closer won't start til Wednesday). Wednesday it'll be 8 hours. Then Thursday another 8 hours...but we're going to the ZOO!! 4 staff, 35 kids are ours...50,000 kids at the zoo...I'm thinking about getting a rope long enough that they can all tie it around their wastes...and I'm not joking! Friday will be 8 hours, and I'm gonna be EXHAUSTED!!
On top of work overwhelming me, God is moving in my heart and I desire to be alert to what He's saying. Being alert is incredibly difficult when I'm overwhelmed and exhausted. Aw crap! I forgot my work shirt in the car...eh, I'll get it tomorrow and throw it over whatever I wear out to the car.
Oh...so much in my brain! Eventually it's all gonna just explode. This is definitely the time during the summer where the temptation to be hermit enters. Thank God I'm road tripping to Colorado in two weeks!! Until then, I can feel myself withdrawing. Questioning why I'm staying in Kent when I don't feel close to people right now. Seeing my socially awkwardness as obvious, even around good friends, has taken me by surprise a little bit. I see myself back-tracking to two summers ago when I would go entire weeks without seeing anyone I was close to. For the incredibly social person you probably know me to be, this is very dangerous ground for me to stand on.
Please be praying for me. I don't handle transitions well. I don't handle summers well. And my personality is such that I should never isolate myself! Definitely needing God to come through!
I get really overwhelmed the first day of anything (you should have seen me as a kid on my first day of school, that often happened three times every two years because of moving around a bunch. NOT a pretty picture!) Yeah, this job is definitely making me realize why God didn't lead me to be a teacher! Planning and preparing are definitely not my strengths...yet I tend to think my plans are still better than God's...interesting...
With all the paper I've used for copies, I'm sure I've destroyed a couple trees, and still have at least one more tree worth of copying to do. This week is gonna be really rough...tomorrow I have to make some more copies before work, work 9 hours, probably do more copying, and then I'm getting dinner with my sister before she leaves for Chicago on Tuesday. Tuesday, I'm working another 9 hours (our closer won't start til Wednesday). Wednesday it'll be 8 hours. Then Thursday another 8 hours...but we're going to the ZOO!! 4 staff, 35 kids are ours...50,000 kids at the zoo...I'm thinking about getting a rope long enough that they can all tie it around their wastes...and I'm not joking! Friday will be 8 hours, and I'm gonna be EXHAUSTED!!
On top of work overwhelming me, God is moving in my heart and I desire to be alert to what He's saying. Being alert is incredibly difficult when I'm overwhelmed and exhausted. Aw crap! I forgot my work shirt in the car...eh, I'll get it tomorrow and throw it over whatever I wear out to the car.
Oh...so much in my brain! Eventually it's all gonna just explode. This is definitely the time during the summer where the temptation to be hermit enters. Thank God I'm road tripping to Colorado in two weeks!! Until then, I can feel myself withdrawing. Questioning why I'm staying in Kent when I don't feel close to people right now. Seeing my socially awkwardness as obvious, even around good friends, has taken me by surprise a little bit. I see myself back-tracking to two summers ago when I would go entire weeks without seeing anyone I was close to. For the incredibly social person you probably know me to be, this is very dangerous ground for me to stand on.
Please be praying for me. I don't handle transitions well. I don't handle summers well. And my personality is such that I should never isolate myself! Definitely needing God to come through!
Saturday, June 4, 2011
Oh....Chicago!
My sister is moving to Chicago...NEXT WEEKEND!!! Yup, within 8 days she will be living there for real, I would say permanently or indefinitely, but I think "for real" covers it pretty well. She's gonna have a big girl job, making a big girl paycheck, in the city of my dreams! Last August, I was talking to her about the two of us moving out there September 2011, and she responded with "Amber, living in Chicago is your dream, not mine." But she promised to consider it, and now is moving out there...and I am not, for at least another year. In the meantime, I am staying in Kent...from which I'd been looking forward to leaving since before I got here in 2008. Don't misunderstand me, I am THRILLED for my sister!! She is going to love Chicago and it'll be great for her to be there! I'm just wanting to be honest by saying I'm a little jealous that God's taking her there now and not me. Even in that honesty though, I'm excited to be staying in Kent! Between the community I won't have to leave, keeping away from the challenges of transitioning, and having heard from God really clearly to stay, I know next year is going to be wonderful!! I suppose the "abridged" version of this process may be in order...abridged does not mean brief, but there are things intentionally left out that I'm completely comfortable expanding on in person, it's just not necessary to include some details on a public blog.
Spring Break 2009 I went with my church on a mission trip to Greensboro, NC. We did a lot of serving in the area and I loved it. I recall having a conversation with God that I could be excited to live there one day. Well, He responded with "I have a bigger city in mind for you, Amber." I was a little taken aback, but had a passion for helping people in poverty and knew there were poor people in big cities, so okay. In November 2009, I went to Chicago for a conference about poverty, and absolutely fell head over heels in love with the city. I couldn't learn enough about the city and really concluded that with the passion I felt for it, it was clearly where God was leading my life. That summer at LT, I met a bunch of people from the Chicago area many of whom spoke highly of the city, and I felt very affirmed about my heart to be going there. Early in Fall 2010, I was adamantly certain I was gonna go to Chicago in September 2011, when I would have graduated, completed my 3-year commitment to the church plant, and even finished a full year at my new job. I was so certain in fact, that I'd suggested to my sister we move out there together, we even went in on a cookware set in November for our future apartment. Some time during October, I had a dream in which God communicated that there was something He wanted me to stop clinging to and offer up to Him. I woke up confused, and drove to work. On my way back, I was listening to a radio sermon through which God said that my plans to go to Chicago were what He wanted me to release to His will. I was really upset and refused to release my grip out of fear that if I did so, this dream for my future wouldn't happen. In November, I was driving and some song came on and God seemed to say that I could trust Him; that me releasing my grip didn't mean He was gonna take it away. In fact, if I released my grip and still went, I would know He was behind me being there. I found myself encouraged and resolved to give Him authority over the plans for my future. The day after Thanksgiving, I spent fasting and praying for His clear direction. What I got was "your heart for the poor would be used in Chicago, and you going there in the fall makes sense." Nothing very definite, but still enough for my resolve to be renewed and buy cookware for my future Chicago apartment.
This is definitely jumping ahead a little bit, but it's the best place to include it. In February, I was searching out churches in Chicago and listening to a bunch of sermons. One talked about contentment and specifically differentiated between being prepared to leave but willing to stay rather than being willing to leave but prepared to stay. This convicted my heart so much so that I felt led to ask forgiveness from a bunch of people in Kent for really not giving my all to the church plant for the previous 2.5 years. Though this part of the process came later, looking back it definitely completed the giving God authority over my future rather than obsessing about it myself.
While I knew that God would have to provide the money to move and a job out there, I was pretty confident He would if He wanted me out there, and I was pretty sure that's what He wanted. Near the end of January, it began really hitting me that I probably wouldn't be in Kent in the fall and I began grieving the loss of community I would experience. This awareness startled me pretty severely, and for the first time ever I was not excited about leaving Kent. Then my savings account (aka moving money) disappeared into my Cavalier. By February, my $1000 account was less than $200. I had to buy a new car, and with it came a car payment and expensive car insurance, and little hope of getting my savings account where it needed to be to move. However, I was still hopeful that maybe God would provide my sister a way out there to get started ahead of time, then I could join her in August after summer camp and my lease ended, SOME way to make it still work out. Then, in early March, it didn't seem like I was gonna graduate in May because I needed to defend my curriculum before Spring Break and it seemed a long way from finished. While I knew the timing could still work out if I graduated in August, there would be no way I'd have any kind of savings account after paying summer tuition. At this point, the whole idea that I would be in Chicago in September (6 months!) seemed incredibly unlikely. I was really discouraged thinking I would never be in my dream city. All the barriers to going were ridiculous! So even when I passed my defense, going to Chicago still seemed uncertain.
Meanwhile, the idea of staying in Kent was becoming more possible, though being in college ministry was about the furthest thing from my heart. One evening, probably in February, I was driving and earlier that day had heard a sermon in which a woman had prayed that she was willing to be a missionary to anywhere "but not Africa." Sure enough, Africa was exactly where God was calling her. While I was driving that evening, God asked me what my "Africa" was. After a little while, I knew it was college ministry. My instant reaction, even before I'd fully realized what my "Africa" was, I was adamantly saying, "NO!" aloud. Having heard how that woman's path unfolded, I was freaked out! God calmed me down by getting me to be willing to say "Yes" if He were to call me to it, not that He was in that moment, but to have my heart be willing to follow His leading anywhere that might be. He also reminded me that He knows my heart and would not ask me to pursue a career in college ministry if I didn't have a passion for it. Recognizing the meanness of that calling and knowing God to be good (and after at least 30 minutes of driving and fighting fear), I conceded to His prompting and said, "I would be willing, but a lot of heart change would be needed."
So, it's March and I've expressed a willingness to follow God wherever He may lead, and going to Chicago is looking less likely. Around this time, I was talking to a friend and told her that I was still really hoping to be in Chicago in the fall. She was surprised and commented that she hadn't realized I was planning to go that soon. Over the next couple days, I reflected on that comment and recalled God having said He would use me in Chicago, but not giving an exact "when" I should go. It was then that I first started thinking that maybe moving to Chicago wasn't where He was leading me for the fall. Perhaps He wasn't leading me to leave the community I'd just begun to really love and appreciate. Perhaps...I could stay in the area. Maybe live with my mom, and maintain some of the friendships, but not continue doing college ministry...
Then came April 1st. The leadership community meeting talked almost exclusively about planning for the fall, and it freaked me out. That night, I needed to process my freaked-out-ness with a few friends. In frustration I blurted out "Would it be okay to just not change anything?! Stay with h2o, working at the same job, even living here??" One friend said that keeping things the same is what she would do, but I hadn't meant it when I said it, so it didn't sink in til the next day at the worship retreat. While at the worship retreat, one of the leaders was acknowledging the unique sacrifice that media team makes during worship with the extra pressure of perfection. Being overlooked having been an insecurity of mine for years anyway, this acknowledgment really meant a lot to me on its own, but there was much more said in that moment. I heard God whisper to my heart "stay in the Fall." As startled as I was to hear it in that unusual context, I was at peace about it too. This peace actually surprised me more than what had actually been whispered had. I definitely needed to seek God's affirmation to stay so I would know I wasn't just making it up based on my potential wanting to be comfortable rather than challenged. The following two weeks were marked with several ministry opportunities and growing friendships with amazing women. I found myself so excited to stay that I was asking people "Why I had ever considered leaving in the first place?" During this time, I sought out a lot of advice. It seemed like no one I talked to questioned my motivations. A couple confessed that they didn't actually see me going to Chicago in the fall. As I talked with her about my insecurity in of it being God's voice, my best friend stated pretty resolutely that it sounded like God spoke clearly with no room for questioning, and following Him was what I needed to do. It was absolutely insane to get such a resounding "yes, that's God" about something I was so unsure about from so many people!
The peace in staying did not fade over those following two weeks, so I pursued one roommate in the middle of April, and she grabbed a third person. By April 17th, the three of us were committed to living in a 2-bedroom apartment in the building I already live in. May 6th we began the paperwork process and now we need only to get everything turned in! While I know this process actually took over six months, the final decision time happened quickly. As soon as I heard clearly from God, everything else fell into place. Not only the practicals, but even telling my sister near the end of April was much easier than I'd anticipated. While I'd kinda been preparing her that things were not for sure since January, I was still really nervous about how she would respond. I told her that God had spoken pretty clearly to stay in Kent. She questioned God having spoken clearly in November to go to Chicago. I explained the uncommunicated timeline then compared it with the clear timeline now. Afterwards, she seemed pretty bummed but didn't challenge it. She'd kind of accepted that God had spoken and let it go.
Looking ahead, I am definitely looking forward to seeing just how God is going to provide the finances for me to stay. Financially, I cannot keep my YMCA job when I have to start paying on student loans in addition to everything else. Also, I'm really excited for how God is gonna use me in h2o! The 2-bedroom apartments have large living rooms so having people over frequently will be a wonderful ministry! I intend to make specific goals about what I would like to do next year and who exactly God would have me build into. In conclusion, through the intense process, affirmation, and peace I've experienced in this bit of my journey with Jesus, I have no doubt that staying in Kent with h2o next school year is in God's will.
And that's only the "abridged" version!! The details are really beautiful too! My sister leaving next weekend definitely sparks a touch of jealousy, but really, I'm fine staying! Having gone through this long process has brought me such confidence in God's plan for my life. It has definitely been instrumental in starting my journey to contentment in all things, and I'm looking forward to what's gonna happen next! Knowing that my relationship with God is this much stronger and it makes me that much more available to be His hands and feet, doing whatever He would have me do. Writing it all out now, reminds me of the beauty of the process, even as it's difficult. The process is what builds intimacy with God and that is the number one most important thing...ever! It was the most valuable thing Adam and Eve lost and what Jesus valued over everything else! Also, in pursuing intimacy with God, I have to remember that my hope is not in anything in this world. Not in what might happen next year or eventually in Chicago. Only when my hope is in Heaven is it secure. Only then will it not be disappointed. With that in mind, I continue stepping in this journey of healing, grateful that I will not be leaving this community God has generously blessed me with!!
Spring Break 2009 I went with my church on a mission trip to Greensboro, NC. We did a lot of serving in the area and I loved it. I recall having a conversation with God that I could be excited to live there one day. Well, He responded with "I have a bigger city in mind for you, Amber." I was a little taken aback, but had a passion for helping people in poverty and knew there were poor people in big cities, so okay. In November 2009, I went to Chicago for a conference about poverty, and absolutely fell head over heels in love with the city. I couldn't learn enough about the city and really concluded that with the passion I felt for it, it was clearly where God was leading my life. That summer at LT, I met a bunch of people from the Chicago area many of whom spoke highly of the city, and I felt very affirmed about my heart to be going there. Early in Fall 2010, I was adamantly certain I was gonna go to Chicago in September 2011, when I would have graduated, completed my 3-year commitment to the church plant, and even finished a full year at my new job. I was so certain in fact, that I'd suggested to my sister we move out there together, we even went in on a cookware set in November for our future apartment. Some time during October, I had a dream in which God communicated that there was something He wanted me to stop clinging to and offer up to Him. I woke up confused, and drove to work. On my way back, I was listening to a radio sermon through which God said that my plans to go to Chicago were what He wanted me to release to His will. I was really upset and refused to release my grip out of fear that if I did so, this dream for my future wouldn't happen. In November, I was driving and some song came on and God seemed to say that I could trust Him; that me releasing my grip didn't mean He was gonna take it away. In fact, if I released my grip and still went, I would know He was behind me being there. I found myself encouraged and resolved to give Him authority over the plans for my future. The day after Thanksgiving, I spent fasting and praying for His clear direction. What I got was "your heart for the poor would be used in Chicago, and you going there in the fall makes sense." Nothing very definite, but still enough for my resolve to be renewed and buy cookware for my future Chicago apartment.
This is definitely jumping ahead a little bit, but it's the best place to include it. In February, I was searching out churches in Chicago and listening to a bunch of sermons. One talked about contentment and specifically differentiated between being prepared to leave but willing to stay rather than being willing to leave but prepared to stay. This convicted my heart so much so that I felt led to ask forgiveness from a bunch of people in Kent for really not giving my all to the church plant for the previous 2.5 years. Though this part of the process came later, looking back it definitely completed the giving God authority over my future rather than obsessing about it myself.
While I knew that God would have to provide the money to move and a job out there, I was pretty confident He would if He wanted me out there, and I was pretty sure that's what He wanted. Near the end of January, it began really hitting me that I probably wouldn't be in Kent in the fall and I began grieving the loss of community I would experience. This awareness startled me pretty severely, and for the first time ever I was not excited about leaving Kent. Then my savings account (aka moving money) disappeared into my Cavalier. By February, my $1000 account was less than $200. I had to buy a new car, and with it came a car payment and expensive car insurance, and little hope of getting my savings account where it needed to be to move. However, I was still hopeful that maybe God would provide my sister a way out there to get started ahead of time, then I could join her in August after summer camp and my lease ended, SOME way to make it still work out. Then, in early March, it didn't seem like I was gonna graduate in May because I needed to defend my curriculum before Spring Break and it seemed a long way from finished. While I knew the timing could still work out if I graduated in August, there would be no way I'd have any kind of savings account after paying summer tuition. At this point, the whole idea that I would be in Chicago in September (6 months!) seemed incredibly unlikely. I was really discouraged thinking I would never be in my dream city. All the barriers to going were ridiculous! So even when I passed my defense, going to Chicago still seemed uncertain.
Meanwhile, the idea of staying in Kent was becoming more possible, though being in college ministry was about the furthest thing from my heart. One evening, probably in February, I was driving and earlier that day had heard a sermon in which a woman had prayed that she was willing to be a missionary to anywhere "but not Africa." Sure enough, Africa was exactly where God was calling her. While I was driving that evening, God asked me what my "Africa" was. After a little while, I knew it was college ministry. My instant reaction, even before I'd fully realized what my "Africa" was, I was adamantly saying, "NO!" aloud. Having heard how that woman's path unfolded, I was freaked out! God calmed me down by getting me to be willing to say "Yes" if He were to call me to it, not that He was in that moment, but to have my heart be willing to follow His leading anywhere that might be. He also reminded me that He knows my heart and would not ask me to pursue a career in college ministry if I didn't have a passion for it. Recognizing the meanness of that calling and knowing God to be good (and after at least 30 minutes of driving and fighting fear), I conceded to His prompting and said, "I would be willing, but a lot of heart change would be needed."
So, it's March and I've expressed a willingness to follow God wherever He may lead, and going to Chicago is looking less likely. Around this time, I was talking to a friend and told her that I was still really hoping to be in Chicago in the fall. She was surprised and commented that she hadn't realized I was planning to go that soon. Over the next couple days, I reflected on that comment and recalled God having said He would use me in Chicago, but not giving an exact "when" I should go. It was then that I first started thinking that maybe moving to Chicago wasn't where He was leading me for the fall. Perhaps He wasn't leading me to leave the community I'd just begun to really love and appreciate. Perhaps...I could stay in the area. Maybe live with my mom, and maintain some of the friendships, but not continue doing college ministry...
Then came April 1st. The leadership community meeting talked almost exclusively about planning for the fall, and it freaked me out. That night, I needed to process my freaked-out-ness with a few friends. In frustration I blurted out "Would it be okay to just not change anything?! Stay with h2o, working at the same job, even living here??" One friend said that keeping things the same is what she would do, but I hadn't meant it when I said it, so it didn't sink in til the next day at the worship retreat. While at the worship retreat, one of the leaders was acknowledging the unique sacrifice that media team makes during worship with the extra pressure of perfection. Being overlooked having been an insecurity of mine for years anyway, this acknowledgment really meant a lot to me on its own, but there was much more said in that moment. I heard God whisper to my heart "stay in the Fall." As startled as I was to hear it in that unusual context, I was at peace about it too. This peace actually surprised me more than what had actually been whispered had. I definitely needed to seek God's affirmation to stay so I would know I wasn't just making it up based on my potential wanting to be comfortable rather than challenged. The following two weeks were marked with several ministry opportunities and growing friendships with amazing women. I found myself so excited to stay that I was asking people "Why I had ever considered leaving in the first place?" During this time, I sought out a lot of advice. It seemed like no one I talked to questioned my motivations. A couple confessed that they didn't actually see me going to Chicago in the fall. As I talked with her about my insecurity in of it being God's voice, my best friend stated pretty resolutely that it sounded like God spoke clearly with no room for questioning, and following Him was what I needed to do. It was absolutely insane to get such a resounding "yes, that's God" about something I was so unsure about from so many people!
The peace in staying did not fade over those following two weeks, so I pursued one roommate in the middle of April, and she grabbed a third person. By April 17th, the three of us were committed to living in a 2-bedroom apartment in the building I already live in. May 6th we began the paperwork process and now we need only to get everything turned in! While I know this process actually took over six months, the final decision time happened quickly. As soon as I heard clearly from God, everything else fell into place. Not only the practicals, but even telling my sister near the end of April was much easier than I'd anticipated. While I'd kinda been preparing her that things were not for sure since January, I was still really nervous about how she would respond. I told her that God had spoken pretty clearly to stay in Kent. She questioned God having spoken clearly in November to go to Chicago. I explained the uncommunicated timeline then compared it with the clear timeline now. Afterwards, she seemed pretty bummed but didn't challenge it. She'd kind of accepted that God had spoken and let it go.
Looking ahead, I am definitely looking forward to seeing just how God is going to provide the finances for me to stay. Financially, I cannot keep my YMCA job when I have to start paying on student loans in addition to everything else. Also, I'm really excited for how God is gonna use me in h2o! The 2-bedroom apartments have large living rooms so having people over frequently will be a wonderful ministry! I intend to make specific goals about what I would like to do next year and who exactly God would have me build into. In conclusion, through the intense process, affirmation, and peace I've experienced in this bit of my journey with Jesus, I have no doubt that staying in Kent with h2o next school year is in God's will.
And that's only the "abridged" version!! The details are really beautiful too! My sister leaving next weekend definitely sparks a touch of jealousy, but really, I'm fine staying! Having gone through this long process has brought me such confidence in God's plan for my life. It has definitely been instrumental in starting my journey to contentment in all things, and I'm looking forward to what's gonna happen next! Knowing that my relationship with God is this much stronger and it makes me that much more available to be His hands and feet, doing whatever He would have me do. Writing it all out now, reminds me of the beauty of the process, even as it's difficult. The process is what builds intimacy with God and that is the number one most important thing...ever! It was the most valuable thing Adam and Eve lost and what Jesus valued over everything else! Also, in pursuing intimacy with God, I have to remember that my hope is not in anything in this world. Not in what might happen next year or eventually in Chicago. Only when my hope is in Heaven is it secure. Only then will it not be disappointed. With that in mind, I continue stepping in this journey of healing, grateful that I will not be leaving this community God has generously blessed me with!!
Sunday, May 29, 2011
Important Truth to Cling to
"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart...No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it." Hebrews 12:1-3, 11.
"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, and into an inheritance that can never perish, spoil or fade-kept in heaven for you.
1 Peter 1:3-4
"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, and into an inheritance that can never perish, spoil or fade-kept in heaven for you.
1 Peter 1:3-4
Thursday, May 26, 2011
Let the Healing...Begin?
I got back from work today just plain grumpy. I was tired and hungry and the kids seemed to have intentionally been testing my patience. Therefore, grumpy. Got home to the empty apartment I was hoping for so I could sleep and just stew in my grumpiness. Well, then entered discontentment...which may be a red flag that God's wanting to deal with me with something, so I told Him I didn't wanna deal with it and just wanted what I wanted and that was all. Basically, heal me so I can be good enough to stand on my own and finally be worthy of what I really, really want.
Well, sharing that motivation for healing with God is kinda an open door for Him to confront you about what His desire for your healing is, and what actually is at the heart of your desire, beyond the desire of your heart. Naturally, He pointed out my actual desire for deep-rooted, overwhelming intimacy with Him. From there, He spoke to different times in my life where I'd experienced deep hurts, telling the baby, child, adolescent, and young adult that He loves her, and holding her tightly. He took me back to a specific time where some of the cruelest words were ever spoken to me, and then responsibility for the words were never taken, today no one even remembers them except me. The name I was called confirmed things that earlier experiences had already begun to communicate and with that, a lie of my value and identity was cemented.
Nine-year-old Amber Levesque accidentally smashing her sister's finger in a window, making it bleed a lot, being called an "asshole" by her already mostly absent father. No one seemed to notice it wasn't what she'd accidentally done that caused her so many tears, but what was said to her. Writing now, I think I remember a stranger giving me tissues to wipe my eyes, while my dad tended to my sister and my grandparents just sat there beside me, maybe thinking "she should feel remorse for what she did."
To that nine-year-old girl, God said today, "Your dad doesn't know who you are. You are MY child, not his. That is your identity! And in six years, you will know ME and begin to see the depth of my love for you!"
I apologize if this is a bit too much of me exposing my life. Over-sharing helps me fight lies of shame and embarrassment of my past, but I definitely don't want to cause you to stumble. I won't be offended if I end up with absolutely no "followers." After all, my identity isn't found in how much attention I get from you, but what Jesus did to show the depth of His love for me and His calling me Daughter. For not being at LT, God sure is doing a mighty work in my life.
Well, sharing that motivation for healing with God is kinda an open door for Him to confront you about what His desire for your healing is, and what actually is at the heart of your desire, beyond the desire of your heart. Naturally, He pointed out my actual desire for deep-rooted, overwhelming intimacy with Him. From there, He spoke to different times in my life where I'd experienced deep hurts, telling the baby, child, adolescent, and young adult that He loves her, and holding her tightly. He took me back to a specific time where some of the cruelest words were ever spoken to me, and then responsibility for the words were never taken, today no one even remembers them except me. The name I was called confirmed things that earlier experiences had already begun to communicate and with that, a lie of my value and identity was cemented.
Nine-year-old Amber Levesque accidentally smashing her sister's finger in a window, making it bleed a lot, being called an "asshole" by her already mostly absent father. No one seemed to notice it wasn't what she'd accidentally done that caused her so many tears, but what was said to her. Writing now, I think I remember a stranger giving me tissues to wipe my eyes, while my dad tended to my sister and my grandparents just sat there beside me, maybe thinking "she should feel remorse for what she did."
To that nine-year-old girl, God said today, "Your dad doesn't know who you are. You are MY child, not his. That is your identity! And in six years, you will know ME and begin to see the depth of my love for you!"
I apologize if this is a bit too much of me exposing my life. Over-sharing helps me fight lies of shame and embarrassment of my past, but I definitely don't want to cause you to stumble. I won't be offended if I end up with absolutely no "followers." After all, my identity isn't found in how much attention I get from you, but what Jesus did to show the depth of His love for me and His calling me Daughter. For not being at LT, God sure is doing a mighty work in my life.
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
EMOTIONAL?? ME???
No way!?
Okay, maybe way...maybe a little. Haha! I've known this about myself for years and years, that I'm actually very emotionally driven, often times too much so because I can focus so much on what my emotions demand and lose sight of what God actually has for my life. My emotions have definitely fought for Lordship over my life, and have honestly won more times than I would like to admit.
A lot of people have seen me do battle with my emotions this past year, and man has it ever been an intense fight! Everything from denying their existence, to allowing them to dictate my reality; from being afraid of them to being afraid to lose them; from allowing them to dictate my reality; from begging God to take them away to surrendering them to His purpose. So yeah...it's been very...emotional.
I grew up living with my mom who is so emotionally driven that it is common for her to say, "If my head and heart are in disagreement, my heart will always win. It doesn't rest until it gets its way." So yeah, genetics/social learning/generational sin, call it what you will, my struggle with it is logical. The unfortunate part is that only in the last few month have I become aware that "bowing down" to my emotions is, quite plainly, sin. I would definitely say I've been aware of the battle between what I've wanted and God's will for years now, but to begin to see what has kept the fighting from ending is my temptation to let my emotions control my life has been really hard. Back in February was when I first started committing to submit my emotions to God's purposes, and while I've repeatedly taken them back, it's slowly been easier to put them back in His hands knowing that He is going to use them to fulfill His purposes, whatever that may be. He's even graciously given me the privilege of seeing some of His work in the meantime. Specifically, when I feel emotions really strongly I have to talk about them and process them out loud (refer to first post) and often some unsuspecting, amazing listener finds herself knowing everything about my life within weeks. In mid-April, I found out that my openness has shown one friend the value and beauty of vulnerability.
Recently, I started (and am now nearly finished) reading Soul Healing and how perfectly God-timed that has been!! When God showed me just how deeply rooted a lot of the insecurities and lies were that were refueling my idolatry, Soul Healing became essential. Looking back on my life, I realize that I didn't process a lot of the hurts I experienced as a child, which I suspect is probably relatively normal. However, now all those hurts are crying out to be fixed and dealt with. To be completely honest, I have positively no clue how to even begin to healthily process emotions from 20 years ago, and am slightly petrified that I will dwell on each one and fall prey to idolatry yet again.
Today, actually, God started showing how I haven't dealt with a lot of those hurts and the successive emotions. I found myself thinking I was getting the "short end of the stick" in a situation and someone else had what I wanted. Now, I'm not confrontational about things like that, so instead I tend to stew in that jealousy. Thankfully, God wouldn't let me do that today! Instead, He called me out about it and said, "Lets talk about this." (PS: If I'm ever sharing about something and you wanna encourage me, ask me to tell you more. This communicates to me that you wanna hear about my life, and that literally means the world to me!!) It was then that I realized my fear of dealing with emotions from my past, but the absolute necessity to do so! If I don't sort through these, it is going to continue to be nearly impossible to avoid idolatry, thus keeping me from truly loving the Lord with all my heart, mind, soul, and strength. My heart will always be divided because I'll be acting outta these hurts because I'm afraid of these emotions, and the only thing I should fear is God. My fear is in my God...and my emotions should NEVER be my God! I cannot trust them to work anything together for my good, nor can they offer me anything eternal! GOD on the other hand, He has everything to offer and gives it completely freely!
So, you can kinda see how my brain processes trials. Yeah, I'm hoping to address the hurts and coinciding emotions to grow in whatever ways God may intend. I know He's begun this process, and therefore I can know that He will complete it and it will be GOOD!!!
Okay, maybe way...maybe a little. Haha! I've known this about myself for years and years, that I'm actually very emotionally driven, often times too much so because I can focus so much on what my emotions demand and lose sight of what God actually has for my life. My emotions have definitely fought for Lordship over my life, and have honestly won more times than I would like to admit.
A lot of people have seen me do battle with my emotions this past year, and man has it ever been an intense fight! Everything from denying their existence, to allowing them to dictate my reality; from being afraid of them to being afraid to lose them; from allowing them to dictate my reality; from begging God to take them away to surrendering them to His purpose. So yeah...it's been very...emotional.
I grew up living with my mom who is so emotionally driven that it is common for her to say, "If my head and heart are in disagreement, my heart will always win. It doesn't rest until it gets its way." So yeah, genetics/social learning/generational sin, call it what you will, my struggle with it is logical. The unfortunate part is that only in the last few month have I become aware that "bowing down" to my emotions is, quite plainly, sin. I would definitely say I've been aware of the battle between what I've wanted and God's will for years now, but to begin to see what has kept the fighting from ending is my temptation to let my emotions control my life has been really hard. Back in February was when I first started committing to submit my emotions to God's purposes, and while I've repeatedly taken them back, it's slowly been easier to put them back in His hands knowing that He is going to use them to fulfill His purposes, whatever that may be. He's even graciously given me the privilege of seeing some of His work in the meantime. Specifically, when I feel emotions really strongly I have to talk about them and process them out loud (refer to first post) and often some unsuspecting, amazing listener finds herself knowing everything about my life within weeks. In mid-April, I found out that my openness has shown one friend the value and beauty of vulnerability.
Recently, I started (and am now nearly finished) reading Soul Healing and how perfectly God-timed that has been!! When God showed me just how deeply rooted a lot of the insecurities and lies were that were refueling my idolatry, Soul Healing became essential. Looking back on my life, I realize that I didn't process a lot of the hurts I experienced as a child, which I suspect is probably relatively normal. However, now all those hurts are crying out to be fixed and dealt with. To be completely honest, I have positively no clue how to even begin to healthily process emotions from 20 years ago, and am slightly petrified that I will dwell on each one and fall prey to idolatry yet again.
Today, actually, God started showing how I haven't dealt with a lot of those hurts and the successive emotions. I found myself thinking I was getting the "short end of the stick" in a situation and someone else had what I wanted. Now, I'm not confrontational about things like that, so instead I tend to stew in that jealousy. Thankfully, God wouldn't let me do that today! Instead, He called me out about it and said, "Lets talk about this." (PS: If I'm ever sharing about something and you wanna encourage me, ask me to tell you more. This communicates to me that you wanna hear about my life, and that literally means the world to me!!) It was then that I realized my fear of dealing with emotions from my past, but the absolute necessity to do so! If I don't sort through these, it is going to continue to be nearly impossible to avoid idolatry, thus keeping me from truly loving the Lord with all my heart, mind, soul, and strength. My heart will always be divided because I'll be acting outta these hurts because I'm afraid of these emotions, and the only thing I should fear is God. My fear is in my God...and my emotions should NEVER be my God! I cannot trust them to work anything together for my good, nor can they offer me anything eternal! GOD on the other hand, He has everything to offer and gives it completely freely!
So, you can kinda see how my brain processes trials. Yeah, I'm hoping to address the hurts and coinciding emotions to grow in whatever ways God may intend. I know He's begun this process, and therefore I can know that He will complete it and it will be GOOD!!!
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
I'm NOT a Procrastinator
Yes, I have a lot of preparing for summer camp I need to be doing, and could have had done two months ago, and yes, I'm instead choosing to blog nothing of great importance, but no, I am not a procrastinator.
I, in fact, am an escapist to my core! While procrastination is definitely a byproduct of my escapist tendencies, it alone does not satisfy to define me. I don't like to deal with hard stuff...really at all. Things that are important to me but not of high impact to my relationships are better ignored to my well-being. I avoided working on my Master's Project every chance I got. As a child, I found places to be alone with my thoughts, though not to deal with them but to get far enough away that my mind could wander wherever it may. As I got older, this became a coping mechanism that showed itself through playing a lotta video games and reading a lotta books to escape reality. Nowadays, I take naps even when I really don't need them, or I look forward to what specific things in my future might be like. Ha! And I remember being a little surprised last summer when a sermon about discontentment being a sin struck me.
God's definitely been calling me out on what my discontentment says to Him and to others about Him. I'm quite bluntly saying, "I know You're God and everything, but if I were in charge, I could make my life A LOT better." It's so dumb! Even looking back at a time in my life where God let me take the reins reminds me that my life would actually be wretched if I were in charge. I deeply desire to not be an escapist, and to embrace fully the life He has for me, trials and all, because I know that these things are only temporary. Instead of putting my hope in today and the near tomorrow, and deeming those of greater importance, I desire to be focused on "an inheritance which is imperishable and undefiled and will not fade away, reserved in heaven for[me]." 1Peter 1:4
Definitely could use your prayers that God would continue to challenge my discontentment so that I may no longer seek to escape this life and its trials. He has much, MUCH better things in store!
I, in fact, am an escapist to my core! While procrastination is definitely a byproduct of my escapist tendencies, it alone does not satisfy to define me. I don't like to deal with hard stuff...really at all. Things that are important to me but not of high impact to my relationships are better ignored to my well-being. I avoided working on my Master's Project every chance I got. As a child, I found places to be alone with my thoughts, though not to deal with them but to get far enough away that my mind could wander wherever it may. As I got older, this became a coping mechanism that showed itself through playing a lotta video games and reading a lotta books to escape reality. Nowadays, I take naps even when I really don't need them, or I look forward to what specific things in my future might be like. Ha! And I remember being a little surprised last summer when a sermon about discontentment being a sin struck me.
God's definitely been calling me out on what my discontentment says to Him and to others about Him. I'm quite bluntly saying, "I know You're God and everything, but if I were in charge, I could make my life A LOT better." It's so dumb! Even looking back at a time in my life where God let me take the reins reminds me that my life would actually be wretched if I were in charge. I deeply desire to not be an escapist, and to embrace fully the life He has for me, trials and all, because I know that these things are only temporary. Instead of putting my hope in today and the near tomorrow, and deeming those of greater importance, I desire to be focused on "an inheritance which is imperishable and undefiled and will not fade away, reserved in heaven for[me]." 1Peter 1:4
Definitely could use your prayers that God would continue to challenge my discontentment so that I may no longer seek to escape this life and its trials. He has much, MUCH better things in store!
Sunday, May 22, 2011
Welcome Back to Blogging Amber!
Yes, I used to be an avid blogger, and Xanga.com still holds the evidence of that. The last time in my life, I had a lot of transitioning going on and hadn't fully embraced being an external processor. I prefer to process verbally, but have found a disadvantage being that I don't remember what I said very well. The past four months (to the day, haha) I've desperately needed to slow my thoughts down and gotten into the habit of journaling. However, journaling has the disadvantage of not being able to write as quickly as I may need. There seems to be no ideal way to get the stuff going on in my heart out of me. Perhaps the speed will be better here, even if the privacy may not...
So, I'm Journeying With Jesus indeed. Last year, my church adopted the slogan "h2o: Church for Your Journey" and I was more than mildly opposed because of how cheesy terms like "Next Step" and "Snapshot of your Journey" were. Well, with the craziness of my past year and how insanely reflective I have been the past couple weeks, I'm truly seeing how my relationship with God is indeed a journey, and have likewise embraced the concept.
My last year...oh man! Hmm...let's just say that I had a pretty well-laid out plan for what I would be preparing for next fall, and that isn't going to happen. I was absolutely certain I would now be preparing to move to Chicago. I'd expected to be finishing the job hunting process and securing an apartment to begin renting by late-August. Well, through an intricate process, I will actually be staying in Kent. I'm confident I will share at least the "abridged" version of that bit of the journey in the near future but not today, as a lot of work is calling my name.
I suppose we'll see how God uses Blogger in my life, and perhaps uses my life in your's. :-)
So, I'm Journeying With Jesus indeed. Last year, my church adopted the slogan "h2o: Church for Your Journey" and I was more than mildly opposed because of how cheesy terms like "Next Step" and "Snapshot of your Journey" were. Well, with the craziness of my past year and how insanely reflective I have been the past couple weeks, I'm truly seeing how my relationship with God is indeed a journey, and have likewise embraced the concept.
My last year...oh man! Hmm...let's just say that I had a pretty well-laid out plan for what I would be preparing for next fall, and that isn't going to happen. I was absolutely certain I would now be preparing to move to Chicago. I'd expected to be finishing the job hunting process and securing an apartment to begin renting by late-August. Well, through an intricate process, I will actually be staying in Kent. I'm confident I will share at least the "abridged" version of that bit of the journey in the near future but not today, as a lot of work is calling my name.
I suppose we'll see how God uses Blogger in my life, and perhaps uses my life in your's. :-)
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