Let the Healing...Begin?

I got back from work today just plain grumpy. I was tired and hungry and the kids seemed to have intentionally been testing my patience. Therefore, grumpy. Got home to the empty apartment I was hoping for so I could sleep and just stew in my grumpiness. Well, then entered discontentment...which may be a red flag that God's wanting to deal with me with something, so I told Him I didn't wanna deal with it and just wanted what I wanted and that was all. Basically, heal me so I can be good enough to stand on my own and finally be worthy of what I really, really want.

Well, sharing that motivation for healing with God is kinda an open door for Him to confront you about what His desire for your healing is, and what actually is at the heart of your desire, beyond the desire of your heart. Naturally, He pointed out my actual desire for deep-rooted, overwhelming intimacy with Him. From there, He spoke to different times in my life where I'd experienced deep hurts, telling the baby, child, adolescent, and young adult that He loves her, and holding her tightly. He took me back to a specific time where some of the cruelest words were ever spoken to me, and then responsibility for the words were never taken, today no one even remembers them except me. The name I was called confirmed things that earlier experiences had already begun to communicate and with that, a lie of my value and identity was cemented.

Nine-year-old Amber Levesque accidentally smashing her sister's finger in a window, making it bleed a lot, being called an "asshole" by her already mostly absent father. No one seemed to notice it wasn't what she'd accidentally done that caused her so many tears, but what was said to her. Writing now, I think I remember a stranger giving me tissues to wipe my eyes, while my dad tended to my sister and my grandparents just sat there beside me, maybe thinking "she should feel remorse for what she did."

To that nine-year-old girl, God said today, "Your dad doesn't know who you are. You are MY child, not his. That is your identity! And in six years, you will know ME and begin to see the depth of my love for you!"

I apologize if this is a bit too much of me exposing my life. Over-sharing helps me fight lies of shame and embarrassment of my past, but I definitely don't want to cause you to stumble. I won't be offended if I end up with absolutely no "followers." After all, my identity isn't found in how much attention I get from you, but what Jesus did to show the depth of His love for me and His calling me Daughter. For not being at LT, God sure is doing a mighty work in my life.