EMOTIONAL?? ME???

No way!?

Okay, maybe way...maybe a little. Haha! I've known this about myself for years and years, that I'm actually very emotionally driven, often times too much so because I can focus so much on what my emotions demand and lose sight of what God actually has for my life. My emotions have definitely fought for Lordship over my life, and have honestly won more times than I would like to admit.

A lot of people have seen me do battle with my emotions this past year, and man has it ever been an intense fight! Everything from denying their existence, to allowing them to dictate my reality; from being afraid of them to being afraid to lose them; from allowing them to dictate my reality; from begging God to take them away to surrendering them to His purpose. So yeah...it's been very...emotional.

I grew up living with my mom who is so emotionally driven that it is common for her to say, "If my head and heart are in disagreement, my heart will always win. It doesn't rest until it gets its way." So yeah, genetics/social learning/generational sin, call it what you will, my struggle with it is logical. The unfortunate part is that only in the last few month have I become aware that "bowing down" to my emotions is, quite plainly, sin. I would definitely say I've been aware of the battle between what I've wanted and God's will for years now, but to begin to see what has kept the fighting from ending is my temptation to let my emotions control my life has been really hard. Back in February was when I first started committing to submit my emotions to God's purposes, and while I've repeatedly taken them back, it's slowly been easier to put them back in His hands knowing that He is going to use them to fulfill His purposes, whatever that may be. He's even graciously given me the privilege of seeing some of His work in the meantime. Specifically, when I feel emotions really strongly I have to talk about them and process them out loud (refer to first post) and often some unsuspecting, amazing listener finds herself knowing everything about my life within weeks. In mid-April, I found out that my openness has shown one friend the value and beauty of vulnerability.

Recently, I started (and am now nearly finished) reading Soul Healing and how perfectly God-timed that has been!! When God showed me just how deeply rooted a lot of the insecurities and lies were that were refueling my idolatry, Soul Healing became essential. Looking back on my life, I realize that I didn't process a lot of the hurts I experienced as a child, which I suspect is probably relatively normal. However, now all those hurts are crying out to be fixed and dealt with. To be completely honest, I have positively no clue how to even begin to healthily process emotions from 20 years ago, and am slightly petrified that I will dwell on each one and fall prey to idolatry yet again.

Today, actually, God started showing how I haven't dealt with a lot of those hurts and the successive emotions. I found myself thinking I was getting the "short end of the stick" in a situation and someone else had what I wanted. Now, I'm not confrontational about things like that, so instead I tend to stew in that jealousy. Thankfully, God wouldn't let me do that today! Instead, He called me out about it and said, "Lets talk about this." (PS: If I'm ever sharing about something and you wanna encourage me, ask me to tell you more. This communicates to me that you wanna hear about my life, and that literally means the world to me!!) It was then that I realized my fear of dealing with emotions from my past, but the absolute necessity to do so! If I don't sort through these, it is going to continue to be nearly impossible to avoid idolatry, thus keeping me from truly loving the Lord with all my heart, mind, soul, and strength. My heart will always be divided because I'll be acting outta these hurts because I'm afraid of these emotions, and the only thing I should fear is God. My fear is in my God...and my emotions should NEVER be my God! I cannot trust them to work anything together for my good, nor can they offer me anything eternal! GOD on the other hand, He has everything to offer and gives it completely freely!

So, you can kinda see how my brain processes trials. Yeah, I'm hoping to address the hurts and coinciding emotions to grow in whatever ways God may intend. I know He's begun this process, and therefore I can know that He will complete it and it will be GOOD!!!