I don't like not being perfect...

Right, but who does really!?

This week has already been more than a little stressful...Monday I worked 11 hours, Tuesday I worked 9.5, and today I got it down to 8.5. As much as I've developed a "big girl" voice the past couple years, it's still not loud enough for 10 year old boys to choose to listen when they're having their own conversations. On top of not that, I keep dropping the ball with administrative stuff: Not having materials ready to go for projects; not making time to get copies done; forgetting to grab the papers that need copies made...the list continues. Then today while swimming, a life guard had to jump into the pool to get one of the kids and when dad called later upset that she, as a non-swimmer, didn't have a life jacket when he thought all non-swimmers were given one, I slightly choked. He was really calm about it (surprising) but definitely wanted me to have my director contact him immediately, who of course i couldn't get a hold of...so had to leave a detailed message. In that situation, there was literally nothing I could have done differently to prevent it or make dad less upset about it, outside of requiring every non-swimmer to wear a life jacket in water only 3 feet deep.

I've really come face to face with my desire to be perfect lately. Stuff with work, I want to meet and surpass every expectation placed on me (whether real or imaginary). In life, I want to never sin, and if I find myself struggling with sin, I wanna take drastic measures (that could be sinful in and of themselves) to make it stop. Recently, I've been really frustrated with a specific struggle and last night was one (of many) peaks of the frustration. In the moment, God told me I wasn't perfect and didn't have to be. As much as He is a perfect God, He realizes that I can't be perfect and is completely okay with it! Yeah, there is a sanctification process, but it is not by my doing or my timing, but by His! I can (and do) take protective measures against this struggle, but I, myself, can't force it to completely go away. God could, but for right now (and the last three months) He is using it to remind me that His "grace is sufficient for [me], for [His] power is made perfect in weakness."(2 Corinthians 12:9) Shortly before God reminded me of this ever-important truth I was praying He would show His power...realizing just now what my end of that prayer is...to be weak. UGH!!!

¹⁸I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. ¹⁹For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do--this I keep on doing... ²²For in my inner being I delight in God's law; ²³but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members. ²⁴What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? ²⁵Thanks be to God--through Jesus Christ our Lord!
Romans 7:18b-19, 22-25a

That about sums it up!