Oh....Chicago!

My sister is moving to Chicago...NEXT WEEKEND!!! Yup, within 8 days she will be living there for real, I would say permanently or indefinitely, but I think "for real" covers it pretty well. She's gonna have a big girl job, making a big girl paycheck, in the city of my dreams! Last August, I was talking to her about the two of us moving out there September 2011, and she responded with "Amber, living in Chicago is your dream, not mine." But she promised to consider it, and now is moving out there...and I am not, for at least another year. In the meantime, I am staying in Kent...from which I'd been looking forward to leaving since before I got here in 2008. Don't misunderstand me, I am THRILLED for my sister!! She is going to love Chicago and it'll be great for her to be there! I'm just wanting to be honest by saying I'm a little jealous that God's taking her there now and not me. Even in that honesty though, I'm excited to be staying in Kent! Between the community I won't have to leave, keeping away from the challenges of transitioning, and having heard from God really clearly to stay, I know next year is going to be wonderful!! I suppose the "abridged" version of this process may be in order...abridged does not mean brief, but there are things intentionally left out that I'm completely comfortable expanding on in person, it's just not necessary to include some details on a public blog.

Spring Break 2009 I went with my church on a mission trip to Greensboro, NC. We did a lot of serving in the area and I loved it. I recall having a conversation with God that I could be excited to live there one day. Well, He responded with "I have a bigger city in mind for you, Amber." I was a little taken aback, but had a passion for helping people in poverty and knew there were poor people in big cities, so okay. In November 2009, I went to Chicago for a conference about poverty, and absolutely fell head over heels in love with the city. I couldn't learn enough about the city and really concluded that with the passion I felt for it, it was clearly where God was leading my life. That summer at LT, I met a bunch of people from the Chicago area many of whom spoke highly of the city, and I felt very affirmed about my heart to be going there. Early in Fall 2010, I was adamantly certain I was gonna go to Chicago in September 2011, when I would have graduated, completed my 3-year commitment to the church plant, and even finished a full year at my new job. I was so certain in fact, that I'd suggested to my sister we move out there together, we even went in on a cookware set in November for our future apartment. Some time during October, I had a dream in which God communicated that there was something He wanted me to stop clinging to and offer up to Him. I woke up confused, and drove to work. On my way back, I was listening to a radio sermon through which God said that my plans to go to Chicago were what He wanted me to release to His will. I was really upset and refused to release my grip out of fear that if I did so, this dream for my future wouldn't happen. In November, I was driving and some song came on and God seemed to say that I could trust Him; that me releasing my grip didn't mean He was gonna take it away. In fact, if I released my grip and still went, I would know He was behind me being there. I found myself encouraged and resolved to give Him authority over the plans for my future. The day after Thanksgiving, I spent fasting and praying for His clear direction. What I got was "your heart for the poor would be used in Chicago, and you going there in the fall makes sense." Nothing very definite, but still enough for my resolve to be renewed and buy cookware for my future Chicago apartment.

This is definitely jumping ahead a little bit, but it's the best place to include it. In February, I was searching out churches in Chicago and listening to a bunch of sermons. One talked about contentment and specifically differentiated between being prepared to leave but willing to stay rather than being willing to leave but prepared to stay. This convicted my heart so much so that I felt led to ask forgiveness from a bunch of people in Kent for really not giving my all to the church plant for the previous 2.5 years. Though this part of the process came later, looking back it definitely completed the giving God authority over my future rather than obsessing about it myself.

While I knew that God would have to provide the money to move and a job out there, I was pretty confident He would if He wanted me out there, and I was pretty sure that's what He wanted. Near the end of January, it began really hitting me that I probably wouldn't be in Kent in the fall and I began grieving the loss of community I would experience. This awareness startled me pretty severely, and for the first time ever I was not excited about leaving Kent. Then my savings account (aka moving money) disappeared into my Cavalier. By February, my $1000 account was less than $200. I had to buy a new car, and with it came a car payment and expensive car insurance, and little hope of getting my savings account where it needed to be to move. However, I was still hopeful that maybe God would provide my sister a way out there to get started ahead of time, then I could join her in August after summer camp and my lease ended, SOME way to make it still work out. Then, in early March, it didn't seem like I was gonna graduate in May because I needed to defend my curriculum before Spring Break and it seemed a long way from finished. While I knew the timing could still work out if I graduated in August, there would be no way I'd have any kind of savings account after paying summer tuition. At this point, the whole idea that I would be in Chicago in September (6 months!) seemed incredibly unlikely. I was really discouraged thinking I would never be in my dream city. All the barriers to going were ridiculous! So even when I passed my defense, going to Chicago still seemed uncertain.

Meanwhile, the idea of staying in Kent was becoming more possible, though being in college ministry was about the furthest thing from my heart. One evening, probably in February, I was driving and earlier that day had heard a sermon in which a woman had prayed that she was willing to be a missionary to anywhere "but not Africa." Sure enough, Africa was exactly where God was calling her. While I was driving that evening, God asked me what my "Africa" was. After a little while, I knew it was college ministry. My instant reaction, even before I'd fully realized what my "Africa" was, I was adamantly saying,  "NO!" aloud. Having heard how that woman's path unfolded, I was freaked out! God calmed me down by getting me to be willing to say "Yes" if He were to call me to it, not that He was in that moment, but to have my heart be willing to follow His leading anywhere that might be. He also reminded me that He knows my heart and would not ask me to pursue a career in college ministry if I didn't have a passion for it. Recognizing the meanness of that calling and knowing God to be good (and after at least 30 minutes of driving and fighting fear), I conceded to His prompting and said, "I would be willing, but a lot of heart change would be needed."

So, it's March and I've expressed a willingness to follow God wherever He may lead, and going to Chicago is looking less likely. Around this time, I was talking to a friend and told her that I was still really hoping to be in Chicago in the fall. She was surprised and commented that she hadn't realized I was planning to go that soon. Over the next couple days, I reflected on that comment and recalled God having said He would use me in Chicago, but not giving an exact "when" I should go. It was then that I first started thinking that maybe moving to Chicago wasn't where He was leading me for the fall. Perhaps He wasn't leading me to leave the community I'd just begun to really love and appreciate. Perhaps...I could stay in the area. Maybe live with my mom, and maintain some of the friendships, but not continue doing college ministry...

Then came April 1st. The leadership community meeting talked almost exclusively about planning for the fall, and it freaked me out. That night, I needed to process my freaked-out-ness with a few friends. In frustration I blurted out "Would it be okay to just not change anything?! Stay with h2o, working at the same job, even living here??" One friend said that keeping things the same is what she would do, but I hadn't meant it when I said it, so it didn't sink in til the next day at the worship retreat. While at the worship retreat, one of the leaders was acknowledging the unique sacrifice that media team makes during worship with the extra pressure of perfection. Being overlooked having been an insecurity of mine for years anyway, this acknowledgment really meant a lot to me on its own, but there was much more said in that moment. I heard God whisper to my heart "stay in the Fall." As startled as I was to hear it in that unusual context, I was at peace about it too. This peace actually surprised me more than what had actually been whispered had. I definitely needed to seek God's affirmation to stay so I would know I wasn't just making it up based on my potential wanting to be comfortable rather than challenged. The following two weeks were marked with several ministry opportunities and growing friendships with amazing women. I found myself so excited to stay that I was asking people "Why I had ever considered leaving in the first place?" During this time, I sought out a lot of advice. It seemed like no one I talked to questioned my motivations. A couple confessed that they didn't actually see me going to Chicago in the fall. As I talked with her about my insecurity in of it being God's voice, my best friend stated pretty resolutely that it sounded like God spoke clearly with no room for questioning, and following Him was what I needed to do. It was absolutely insane to get such a resounding "yes, that's God" about something I was so unsure about from so many people!

The peace in staying did not fade over those following two weeks, so I pursued one roommate in the middle of April, and she grabbed a third person. By April 17th, the three of us were committed to living in a 2-bedroom apartment in the building I already live in. May 6th we began the paperwork process and now we need only to get everything turned in! While I know this process actually took over six months, the final decision time happened quickly. As soon as I heard clearly from God, everything else fell into place. Not only the practicals, but even telling my sister near the end of April was much easier than I'd anticipated. While I'd kinda been preparing her that things were not for sure since January, I was still really nervous about how she would respond. I told her that God had spoken pretty clearly to stay in Kent. She questioned God having spoken clearly in November to go to Chicago. I explained the uncommunicated timeline then compared it with the clear timeline now. Afterwards, she seemed pretty bummed but didn't challenge it. She'd kind of accepted that God had spoken and let it go.

Looking ahead, I am definitely looking forward to seeing just how God is going to provide the finances for me to stay. Financially, I cannot keep my YMCA job when I have to start paying on student loans in addition to everything else. Also, I'm really excited for how God is gonna use me in h2o! The 2-bedroom apartments have large living rooms so having people over frequently will be a wonderful ministry! I intend to make specific goals about what I would like to do next year and who exactly God would have me build into. In conclusion, through the intense process, affirmation, and peace I've experienced in this bit of my journey with Jesus, I have no doubt that staying in Kent with h2o next school year is in God's will.


And that's only the "abridged" version!! The details are really beautiful too! My sister leaving next weekend definitely sparks a touch of jealousy, but really, I'm fine staying! Having gone through this long process has brought me such confidence in God's plan for my life. It has definitely been instrumental in starting my journey to contentment in all things, and I'm looking forward to what's gonna happen next! Knowing that my relationship with God is this much stronger and it makes me that much more available to be His hands and feet, doing whatever He would have me do. Writing it all out now, reminds me of the beauty of the process, even as it's difficult. The process is what builds intimacy with God and that is the number one most important thing...ever! It was the most valuable thing Adam and Eve lost and what Jesus valued over everything else! Also, in pursuing intimacy with God, I have to remember that my hope is not in anything in this world. Not in what might happen next year or eventually in Chicago. Only when my hope is in Heaven is it secure. Only then will it not be disappointed. With that in mind, I continue stepping in this journey of healing, grateful that I will not be leaving this community God has generously blessed me with!!