I don't get it!!

"The Lord foils the plans of the nations;
he thwarts the purposes of the people.
But the plans of the Lord stand firm forever,
the purposes of his heart through all generations." Psalm 33:10-11

I make plans and they fall through, every single time. While yeah, God shows His much better plans afterward, I'm really sick of having my plans fall through, especially when I took extra measures to make sure those plans seemed to work. When my plans fall through, I feel like a failure. The lie that I can't do anything right and am just not good enough enters my mind in a blind rage.

My plans not coming together has been a massive theme in my life for what seems like forever. Looking back, I think I just took the extra work as a trial to hunker down and get it done anyway. Over the past year, I've begun realizing that sometimes God's plans are different from my own and actually better than anything I could imagine. Let's be honest though, the underlying root of my planning my life is the drastic fear of failure.

Today, I completely slept through my alarm and woke up after my morning shift was over, and I had actually been planning on asking my boss this afternoon for a raise so I could stick around the Y for a while longer...yeah, that's not gonna happen now. I'll be lucky if I still have a job tomorrow with YMCA. Several weeks ago now, God revealed something to me with a massive amount of peace to confirm His voice in it. Now, I am so anxious about that situation that when I describe it, I completely forget to include that part of it. I planned a movie marathon and it was mostly a lot of fun! People were totally free to come and go as they pleased and in total, more than 15 people attended. However, I was the only one who watched every film. Now that's not such a big deal considering it spanned 3 days, but then the finale of watching the last movie in theaters, which was kinda the point to the whole thing anyway, was a complete and utter fail.

Clearly, God is trying very, very hard to teach me something that I am just not learning! The only thing I know right now is how insanely hard He is making my life. It frustrates me that I can't learn this faster so these lessons can be over already. God, please take mercy on Your daughter!