Really, I'm Okay

I'm just not exactly feeling awesome.

I feel like every single day I struggle with the uncertainty of this situation. Each day, Satan feeds me lines like, "Things just aren't going to work out." or "You misunderstood God." All I have to say is, "I read Genesis 3 yesterday, and Satan, I'm not gonna take your bait! I will not run and hide from God because I'm ashamed of having not trusted Him! I will not take the bait and then blame the difficulty of the situation! It's bad enough that you have me fighting to cling to what God has revealed to me, that already is giving you too much power!"

Now, all I can say is "Jesus, cover my ears to Satan's lies! The peace in the situation, amidst all the insecurities he's trying to throw in my face, is enough to make me certain I've heard from You and that's enough for me. My battle is not against flesh and blood, but against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. I am not fighting against my "self" (I told her to get lost in this situation months ago) but against Satan. Jesus, please fight this battle on my behalf! I don't want to doubt or be insecure any longer. I don't need to know the Father's timing, the details He has revealed is far more generous than I deserve. I only need to know Your great love for me and Your tremendous power over my puny life and Satan's schemes!"

It's so crazy how this situation has lead me to both a heart that weeps and a heart that rejoices. Weeping when I get stuck on not knowing how everything is gonna work together, but truly rejoicing when I remember that God works all things for the good of those who love Him...so really I know how everything is gonna work together, it will be good! Weeping when I'm bombarded by insecurities about God not being trustworthy, but rejoicing when I'm reminded about the many MANY ways God has shown Himself incredibly faithful to me, friends, and stories included in His Word. God truly knows the deepest depths of my heart! He knows all my fears, my insecurities, my weaknesses, my struggles, and He loves me so much that He asks me each day to share them with Him that He may carry the load of them!

I heard a sermon today directed towards men about loving their wives. The guy talked about how women speak a foreign language and they take 2 hours to say something that would only take a man 5 minutes. He explained that the reason women do so is so that the listener can empathize with them with each turn in the story. I read a long update from a friend an hour ago that totally affirmed both that women do this (not that I didn't already know it to be true) and that sharing in the very details of a friend's trials gives me such a bonding experience with them! Knowing that God hears me speak the same frustrations to Him each day, and has for the past several months, and still talks with me through it all, makes Him the ultimate empathizer!! Let's just say that God needs to be preparing my future husband to be a phenomenal listener...otherwise he will definitely be getting an intense crash course early on in our relationship!

Even though I tend to doubt my growth a lot of the time, I know God is doing a tremendous work! When this specific trial began, I was fighting almost exclusively against myself and my own desires to control the situation. When I pursued God about what exactly He was telling me in all of this, and He generously shared it, I saw clearly how Satan was meddling. When it's me, I find myself prideful and arrogant and absolutely opposed to listening to whatever wisdom dear friends might have to say. When it's God speaking, I find myself at peace and with plenty of scripture to back up whatever it is God might be working on building in me through the situation. When Satan's talking, I am wretchedly insecure and will specifically doubt what God has clearly spoken to me on no basis other than things in my past or general fears. Not that I don't fall victim to listening when Satan talks frequently, but then I remember Genesis 3:15..."he will crush your head, and you will strike his heel" and am given the visual from Passion of the Christ, of Jesus stomping on the head of a snake. As gruesome as it is, that visual is probably my all time absolute favorite movie moment!! Satan can say whatever he wants, but my Lord is the one who will destroy him, and my Lord loves me enough to fight with him on my behalf. Even as I struggle, I can spit in Satan's face saying that he will never ever win.