"So Jacob served seven years for Rachel and they seemed to him but a few days because of his love for her" Genesis 29:20
I wonder if the next seven years that Jacob worked for Laban passed as quickly. I mean, Laban had already deceived Jacob once. Surely Jacob would have doubted Laban's faithfulness to their agreement. Jacob obviously really wanted to be married to Rachel, and he ended up having to wait a total of 14 years to get what he wanted. I can't even imagine that!
Looking back seven years ago, I remember myself preparing to start college in the Fall. I was looking forward to getting away from Akron and going to BG so much that I'd had all my stuff packed since June. The last seven years, I have truly transformed into a completely different person. I still have a lot of the same struggles I had then and my closest friends from that first year are still very close friends of mine. The only friend I saw the summer after freshman year is now my very best friend, and the first woman I really let myself be vulnerable with I still get to hang out with every so often after church!
Even with so much still being the same, I have been completely transformed! Seven years ago, I thought my heart was for God and I desired to pursue His will, but really I had no clue how to even pursue Him about what His will might be. I had no idea how prone I was to pursuing my own will rather than His, even when I knew they were in complete opposition. I had never imagined that I had the capacity to hurt people with my words. Seven years ago, my closest friends were not very close at all.
Trusting God has definitely been the largest area of growth in the last seven years, and I still definitely struggle with it. The first couple years I spent learning just who God is: His love for me, the depth of His grace, how He desires a deep relationship with me. After that, I started facing huge trials where I would have to choose repeatedly to pursue God, to trust His will even if it meant I never got what I thought I wanted, and to live to please Him. Junior year, a very significant gash was put in my relationship with God and I spent the following three years keeping Him at arms length so that He wouldn't hurt me again. I was still listening to His will for my life but only by His grace continued walking in it, though very begrudgingly at times. The last two years have found me with the most active relationship with God I could have ever imagined! Granted, a lot of it's been me struggling in the same two specific areas of my life, but I have known the entire time that I'm not doing any of it on my own! Emmanuel -God with us- has truly been my life these past couple years, and it's been wonderful! Last summer, a girl I'd met only a couple months earlier commented that she could see how God truly adored me. Not that He doesn't adore everyone, but the richness of my relationship with Him was obvious to her.
So yeah, definitely the same struggles I had seven years ago, but I'm neither ignoring those struggles nor am I trying to go it alone. Looking back, the last seven years have actually gone very quickly! I've spent them in a growing relationship with the God of the universe and a rich community of believers. Another seven years from now will very likely (honestly, hopefully) hold massive life transitions. Most importantly though, I desire to have a growing and active relationship with God, making the most of every opportunity to enjoy His love for me and to share that love with others.
"11 For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. 12 Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. 13 You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." Jeremiah 29:11-13
Sunday, July 24, 2011
Thursday, July 21, 2011
Back to the healing process
I may have digressed recently from my original intent to include you in on the healing process God's taking me through, though honestly everything I've written relates to this specific season of the journey.
God's been challenging me to see Him as faithful. Upon a friend's confusion about why I need God to speak again, and in a different way, when I believe I've already heard Him, just so that I can really believe it is from Him, I questioned what has motivated that need for the extra confirmation. The answer was pretty obvious.
Based on my past experiences, I have a very well-developed theory that people, and therefore God, over-promise and under-deliver. Forgive me if this is too personal, but writing it here is really beneficial for me. When I was a kid, my dad would make all sorts of promises that for most people aren't that big of a deal. Promises to pick us up on the weekend, to call during the week, to call at all. As a teenager, I would go months without hearing from him (I mean, CT to OH is a long ways away, but still) and during my senior year in high school, I bluntly sent him a letter asking if he wanted a relationship with me. I had just become a Christian and was going through a really bold stage of my life, and I felt a need to know where my dad and I stood. I was sick of expecting him to be a legitimate dad and getting disappointed repeatedly, and as a result buying the lie that I wasn't worth his attention, time, or even his love. He called a very short time later, and communication with him was actually relatively consistent through the first couple years of college. But it tapered off again, to where I literally spoke with him maybe three times since last summer.
I remember being 8ish and watching out the window of my mom's apartment waiting for my dad to arrive to pick me and my sister up for the weekend. When the time got close to when he was supposed to arrive, I would start predicting, "Five more blue cars coming from one direction and it'll be him." I don't know how many times he actually did show up, but I do know that he frequently did not. As this disappointment grew, I got sick of expecting him to arrive and one time decided that even if he did show up, I wasn't gonna go. He came that day, and my sister spent the weekend with him. At some point in all of this, I gave up on believing he actually wanted to spend time with me. I became a skeptic when people made promises.
Being skeptical about promises has served me well to 'predict the future.' As my mom's gotten in relationships and it's gotten difficult, (like all relationships always do) I've decided it's not gonna last. Embarrassingly, my mom got real sick of me, starting at age 12, telling her "I told you so." It's incredibly unfortunate that I've been right all these times. I mean, when I finally find myself in the marriage relationship I've desired my entire life, my skepticism is gonna come out after every argument. While I started realizing that just because a relationship goes through a tough patch doesn't mean it can't last in my mom's last relationship, it still didn't last. Now though, this skepticism is really messing with my relationship with God.
I know God to be faithful to His promises, and let's be honest, I'm really good at hunting down evidence of His promises being met! I remember as a new Christian reading the major and minor prophets in the Old Testament and deciding that a bunch of the prophecies were referring to events from the Holocaust and how God brought the Jews back to their promised land after WWII. Don't judge! It began my understanding of God's faithfulness to His chosen people. As the prophecies about Jesus unfolded at the same time I was learning about Jesus for the first time, I remember being completely transfixed by it all! Now, I have no doubt about my eternal destiny and Jesus' evident return. However, when I think God's communicated something specific about the direction of my life, that while scripture supports God speaking, it doesn't lay it out as clearly as I'd like, I find myself fighting against believing it. While I have evidence of God having spoken, and even the confirmation of peace (and more) that it was God speaking, I don't see the practical evidence of it actually happening. Now, when God says something about my future I'm not particularly excited about or invested in, His simple direction and peace is more than enough for me to trust Him. At the moment, God's challenging me to trust in His promises about something I actually really want, and it has thoroughly brought out all of my past wounds left by my father's broken humanity and my mother's taste in unreliable men.
Last weekend, God shared a part of His plan for my life with me. This coming weekend I'm hoping He heals a lot of the emotional scars left so many years ago that Satan desires to continually point and laugh at.
God's been challenging me to see Him as faithful. Upon a friend's confusion about why I need God to speak again, and in a different way, when I believe I've already heard Him, just so that I can really believe it is from Him, I questioned what has motivated that need for the extra confirmation. The answer was pretty obvious.
Based on my past experiences, I have a very well-developed theory that people, and therefore God, over-promise and under-deliver. Forgive me if this is too personal, but writing it here is really beneficial for me. When I was a kid, my dad would make all sorts of promises that for most people aren't that big of a deal. Promises to pick us up on the weekend, to call during the week, to call at all. As a teenager, I would go months without hearing from him (I mean, CT to OH is a long ways away, but still) and during my senior year in high school, I bluntly sent him a letter asking if he wanted a relationship with me. I had just become a Christian and was going through a really bold stage of my life, and I felt a need to know where my dad and I stood. I was sick of expecting him to be a legitimate dad and getting disappointed repeatedly, and as a result buying the lie that I wasn't worth his attention, time, or even his love. He called a very short time later, and communication with him was actually relatively consistent through the first couple years of college. But it tapered off again, to where I literally spoke with him maybe three times since last summer.
I remember being 8ish and watching out the window of my mom's apartment waiting for my dad to arrive to pick me and my sister up for the weekend. When the time got close to when he was supposed to arrive, I would start predicting, "Five more blue cars coming from one direction and it'll be him." I don't know how many times he actually did show up, but I do know that he frequently did not. As this disappointment grew, I got sick of expecting him to arrive and one time decided that even if he did show up, I wasn't gonna go. He came that day, and my sister spent the weekend with him. At some point in all of this, I gave up on believing he actually wanted to spend time with me. I became a skeptic when people made promises.
Being skeptical about promises has served me well to 'predict the future.' As my mom's gotten in relationships and it's gotten difficult, (like all relationships always do) I've decided it's not gonna last. Embarrassingly, my mom got real sick of me, starting at age 12, telling her "I told you so." It's incredibly unfortunate that I've been right all these times. I mean, when I finally find myself in the marriage relationship I've desired my entire life, my skepticism is gonna come out after every argument. While I started realizing that just because a relationship goes through a tough patch doesn't mean it can't last in my mom's last relationship, it still didn't last. Now though, this skepticism is really messing with my relationship with God.
I know God to be faithful to His promises, and let's be honest, I'm really good at hunting down evidence of His promises being met! I remember as a new Christian reading the major and minor prophets in the Old Testament and deciding that a bunch of the prophecies were referring to events from the Holocaust and how God brought the Jews back to their promised land after WWII. Don't judge! It began my understanding of God's faithfulness to His chosen people. As the prophecies about Jesus unfolded at the same time I was learning about Jesus for the first time, I remember being completely transfixed by it all! Now, I have no doubt about my eternal destiny and Jesus' evident return. However, when I think God's communicated something specific about the direction of my life, that while scripture supports God speaking, it doesn't lay it out as clearly as I'd like, I find myself fighting against believing it. While I have evidence of God having spoken, and even the confirmation of peace (and more) that it was God speaking, I don't see the practical evidence of it actually happening. Now, when God says something about my future I'm not particularly excited about or invested in, His simple direction and peace is more than enough for me to trust Him. At the moment, God's challenging me to trust in His promises about something I actually really want, and it has thoroughly brought out all of my past wounds left by my father's broken humanity and my mother's taste in unreliable men.
Last weekend, God shared a part of His plan for my life with me. This coming weekend I'm hoping He heals a lot of the emotional scars left so many years ago that Satan desires to continually point and laugh at.
Saturday, July 16, 2011
God is faithful...
...and that is really all that matters!
Since the last post, God's been challenging me in several ways asking if I actually believe His faithfulness to be true. Satan's hoping I give up on God's faithfulness and instead fight to take care of things myself. God is continuing to remind me of all the ways I've seen Him be faithful. I feel more like an Isrealite than ever before, needing constant reminders of their earlier Exodus from Egypt to follow God in the present day. Even above and beyond, God has been faithful to provide those reminders Himself.
I was leisurely clicking around on http://www.h2okent.com/ and came upon the 3-year reunion video that I'd seen twice before. I decided to watch it again to make sure it worked and then share it with my best friend who hadn't seen it yet. I ended up watching it all the way through and at the end of it was so struck about what God did with the 21 people He led to plant a church at Kent State! Hearing specific stories about this church's impact on the students now involved is phenomenal! Thinking about how He called me out here, and how I seriously questioned it a year later, and even how challenging the first two years were for me to adjust, it's just amazing that He used even me to impact some of the people at Kent. We were so little when we left BG!! Now, we're so big, and while numbers alone aren't everything, the numbers of lives being changed through this church is indeed everything that the Church is designed to be! I remember a meeting before we left where we were truly encouraged to "dream big." I remember things being written down, but I don't remember anything on it. I'm praying that someone from the launch team still has that list, but I'm positive things on it were met these past three years, because I know God! I know of His faithfulness and His truth. I believe He is faithful to do what we ask when it lines up with His will, and based on how lives are being changed, I know this church has been in His will!
I dreamed big before, and I'm certain God's delivered. I've seen people dreaming big and things happening. The phrase "dream big" has always made me think of BGSU's advertising slogan my freshman year of "Dream B!G" and it always brings a warm, fuzzy feeling! Here I am, 7 years later, deciding again to "dream b!g" believing God will be glorified as He accomplishes those dreams! I feel so honored at the privilege of seeing the Creator of the universe be faithful to the prayers of such broken, unfaithful people, myself obviously included. I'm listening to Stephen Curtis Chapman's song "Speechless" right now, and that's exactly how I feel when I reflect on God's faithfulness!
Since the last post, God's been challenging me in several ways asking if I actually believe His faithfulness to be true. Satan's hoping I give up on God's faithfulness and instead fight to take care of things myself. God is continuing to remind me of all the ways I've seen Him be faithful. I feel more like an Isrealite than ever before, needing constant reminders of their earlier Exodus from Egypt to follow God in the present day. Even above and beyond, God has been faithful to provide those reminders Himself.
I was leisurely clicking around on http://www.h2okent.com/ and came upon the 3-year reunion video that I'd seen twice before. I decided to watch it again to make sure it worked and then share it with my best friend who hadn't seen it yet. I ended up watching it all the way through and at the end of it was so struck about what God did with the 21 people He led to plant a church at Kent State! Hearing specific stories about this church's impact on the students now involved is phenomenal! Thinking about how He called me out here, and how I seriously questioned it a year later, and even how challenging the first two years were for me to adjust, it's just amazing that He used even me to impact some of the people at Kent. We were so little when we left BG!! Now, we're so big, and while numbers alone aren't everything, the numbers of lives being changed through this church is indeed everything that the Church is designed to be! I remember a meeting before we left where we were truly encouraged to "dream big." I remember things being written down, but I don't remember anything on it. I'm praying that someone from the launch team still has that list, but I'm positive things on it were met these past three years, because I know God! I know of His faithfulness and His truth. I believe He is faithful to do what we ask when it lines up with His will, and based on how lives are being changed, I know this church has been in His will!
I dreamed big before, and I'm certain God's delivered. I've seen people dreaming big and things happening. The phrase "dream big" has always made me think of BGSU's advertising slogan my freshman year of "Dream B!G" and it always brings a warm, fuzzy feeling! Here I am, 7 years later, deciding again to "dream b!g" believing God will be glorified as He accomplishes those dreams! I feel so honored at the privilege of seeing the Creator of the universe be faithful to the prayers of such broken, unfaithful people, myself obviously included. I'm listening to Stephen Curtis Chapman's song "Speechless" right now, and that's exactly how I feel when I reflect on God's faithfulness!
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
God's been AMAZING!!!
It seems like lately God's been messing with my world a bit. I'll make plans for something specific to happen, and I'm feeling good about those plans. A lot of times, I've prayed through those plans, made sure they were wise, had it truly all mapped out. Then, as it gets to crunch time with those plans, they seem to suddenly fall through...literally.
Getting a new car: my car breaks down in February. Definitely a wise decision to get a new one. Pray that God would open up doors to a car. Go to a dealership about an awesome Aveo. I need a co-signor...no one's willing to co-sign for me. I talk to the salesman, he spends a day seeing if I can get the loan on my own, but doesn't have high hopes. Lo-and-behold, I get the loan and have the car!
Completing my Master's Degree: finally looking at graduating in May. Wisely schedule my defense the week before the deadline in case I have to make edits, and need to submit the final curriculum the week beforehand, so two weeks before the absolute deadline which was the Friday before Spring Break. Doesn't even seem close to done that Wednesday! My committee can all reschedule for the Wednesday just before Spring Break...but I wouldn't have time to make dramatic corrections. And I didn't even know if I'd be able to get what I had left done in seven days. Two all-nighters later, and 9pm Wednesday night it was done. The following week it was completely approved, even highly acclaimed, with minimal corrections. I did graduate in May!
Going to Colorado for vacation: was planning on road tripping with Beth, and incredibly excited for the time off work and to see many, many friends. Everything was set up a month in advance. Nine days before we were gonna leave, Beth bailed. I texted so many people and no one could get the time off work or had the money or could not go to class for the week. Then I called my mom suggesting a vacation for her. The vacation was almost guaranteed the following day and officially approved five days later!
Staying in Kent this coming school year: was NOT planning to stay in Kent past this summer, then God clearly (in many, many ways all documented in another post) said, "Stay." After 10 days of prayer and seeking counsel, I knew it was from God and began pursuing a roommate. Four days later, there were three of us, all willing to live in College Towers, in my favorite type of apartment because of the size of the living room (totally serious!!) Everything is looking great in May. Then, none of the paperwork or the moving in costs from my roommates gets sent in...and it's the beginning of July, with a lease starting August 1st! July 10th, the third roommate bails and me and the other roommate can't afford it ourselves. The seemingly only third roommate option seemed incredibly unlikely, and at this point (IN JULY) there are no one-bedroom apartments available in Kent, a college-town. I'm talking to my best friend the next day, and she suggests talking to her younger sister, knowing that she was looking to move outta their parents' place. I call her that night, she agrees to come down the next day (the 12th) to see how long of a drive Kent is from work. I arrive at 7, and she tells me the drive isn't bad and she says, "Yes" to being our third roommate. TWO DAYS AFTER THE ORIGINAL THIRD ROOMMATE BAILS!!!!!!!!
God is ridiculous!! Amazing for sure! But absolutely ridiculous! It's like God lets me plan things, even believing He's really in those plans, then has them literally almost completely fall through just so He can show me how He's gonna come through in the end! I would say He seems to have a pride issue, but then I remember, "It's GOD! He has every right to show off!" It's so good! But really, I'd rather not make wise, logical, even prayerful plans for Him to completely change them in the end. It makes just before the end very stressful!
But, all the same, God is SO SO SOOO GOOD and faithful!! I know God has been in each one of these decisions (and others, even recently, that I can't think of off the top of my head) and while the path has been different than I'd anticipated, it has still been God being faithful to providing for what He has asked me to do (stay), or laid in my heart to pursue (Master's Degree), or affirmed the wisdom of a decision (new car), or knows I need (a vacation). Absolutely, positively crazy how wonderful our God truly is to His children!!!
Getting a new car: my car breaks down in February. Definitely a wise decision to get a new one. Pray that God would open up doors to a car. Go to a dealership about an awesome Aveo. I need a co-signor...no one's willing to co-sign for me. I talk to the salesman, he spends a day seeing if I can get the loan on my own, but doesn't have high hopes. Lo-and-behold, I get the loan and have the car!
Completing my Master's Degree: finally looking at graduating in May. Wisely schedule my defense the week before the deadline in case I have to make edits, and need to submit the final curriculum the week beforehand, so two weeks before the absolute deadline which was the Friday before Spring Break. Doesn't even seem close to done that Wednesday! My committee can all reschedule for the Wednesday just before Spring Break...but I wouldn't have time to make dramatic corrections. And I didn't even know if I'd be able to get what I had left done in seven days. Two all-nighters later, and 9pm Wednesday night it was done. The following week it was completely approved, even highly acclaimed, with minimal corrections. I did graduate in May!
Going to Colorado for vacation: was planning on road tripping with Beth, and incredibly excited for the time off work and to see many, many friends. Everything was set up a month in advance. Nine days before we were gonna leave, Beth bailed. I texted so many people and no one could get the time off work or had the money or could not go to class for the week. Then I called my mom suggesting a vacation for her. The vacation was almost guaranteed the following day and officially approved five days later!
Staying in Kent this coming school year: was NOT planning to stay in Kent past this summer, then God clearly (in many, many ways all documented in another post) said, "Stay." After 10 days of prayer and seeking counsel, I knew it was from God and began pursuing a roommate. Four days later, there were three of us, all willing to live in College Towers, in my favorite type of apartment because of the size of the living room (totally serious!!) Everything is looking great in May. Then, none of the paperwork or the moving in costs from my roommates gets sent in...and it's the beginning of July, with a lease starting August 1st! July 10th, the third roommate bails and me and the other roommate can't afford it ourselves. The seemingly only third roommate option seemed incredibly unlikely, and at this point (IN JULY) there are no one-bedroom apartments available in Kent, a college-town. I'm talking to my best friend the next day, and she suggests talking to her younger sister, knowing that she was looking to move outta their parents' place. I call her that night, she agrees to come down the next day (the 12th) to see how long of a drive Kent is from work. I arrive at 7, and she tells me the drive isn't bad and she says, "Yes" to being our third roommate. TWO DAYS AFTER THE ORIGINAL THIRD ROOMMATE BAILS!!!!!!!!
God is ridiculous!! Amazing for sure! But absolutely ridiculous! It's like God lets me plan things, even believing He's really in those plans, then has them literally almost completely fall through just so He can show me how He's gonna come through in the end! I would say He seems to have a pride issue, but then I remember, "It's GOD! He has every right to show off!" It's so good! But really, I'd rather not make wise, logical, even prayerful plans for Him to completely change them in the end. It makes just before the end very stressful!
But, all the same, God is SO SO SOOO GOOD and faithful!! I know God has been in each one of these decisions (and others, even recently, that I can't think of off the top of my head) and while the path has been different than I'd anticipated, it has still been God being faithful to providing for what He has asked me to do (stay), or laid in my heart to pursue (Master's Degree), or affirmed the wisdom of a decision (new car), or knows I need (a vacation). Absolutely, positively crazy how wonderful our God truly is to His children!!!
Sunday, July 10, 2011
I can be slightly obsessive...
I've had a lot happen in my past where I've felt like I've gotten the short end of the stick...I learned somewhere that kids who lived at one time in severely deprived families can go to another good home and, out of fear for when they'll eat again, they horde food from one meal, just in case they don't get another. Lately, there's been something in my life that has quite literally shoved me into the arms of God. The situation, from my perspective, has been so desperate that I've needed every bit of my security in it to come from God, and I've known it, so I've been pursuing Him hardcore. However, I've begun noticing that some of my relationships may be suffering because of how single-minded I have been about this issue...if not actually obsessive, definitely borderline.
Now, my friendships slipping from my fingers is definitely a pretty stark sign that something is very wrong and needs to be changed, but I have loved how this struggle has caused me to find myself desperate for God's comfort and security. So, I'm finding myself personally challenged to set down this situation, but incredibly anxious to do so lest I return to thinking I can handle the things going on in my life by myself.
What would it look like to set this down? Well, there would be a lot less worry about the situation. I might actually be able to be focused enough to get on top of my responsibilities for work. I would have much shorter phone conversations with people who are probably getting close to sick of listening to me. But really, I'd rather be crying in Daddy's arms, while He comforts me and tries to calm me down, than be set down on my own two feet. Ha-I really want to play with the other kids while being held in Daddy's arms...but I don't know if that's exactly possible...
Now, my friendships slipping from my fingers is definitely a pretty stark sign that something is very wrong and needs to be changed, but I have loved how this struggle has caused me to find myself desperate for God's comfort and security. So, I'm finding myself personally challenged to set down this situation, but incredibly anxious to do so lest I return to thinking I can handle the things going on in my life by myself.
What would it look like to set this down? Well, there would be a lot less worry about the situation. I might actually be able to be focused enough to get on top of my responsibilities for work. I would have much shorter phone conversations with people who are probably getting close to sick of listening to me. But really, I'd rather be crying in Daddy's arms, while He comforts me and tries to calm me down, than be set down on my own two feet. Ha-I really want to play with the other kids while being held in Daddy's arms...but I don't know if that's exactly possible...
Thursday, July 7, 2011
Gross, Gross, Gross, Gross, Gross!!!
God said college ministry again!!!
I was just talking to a friend about wanting to explore if my passion for low-income families would translate into my future profession. Totally just kinda rambling to her about what I was thinking for my life next year, nothing unusual. Right around that time a good friend who I'd also just been talking to texts me this "you are possibly my only mentor who i love talking to about all things because you talk through and with love. The love Jesus gives you." I read it while still on the phone, and was touched (but preoccupied) and texted back :-) I read it a little later...and did not quite experience the same warm, fuzzy feeling...
Instead, God once again said, "College ministry." I said, "NO!", dropped my phone on the lap desk, put my head in my hands and shook it back and forth with multiple "uh-uh"s. Now sometimes the "college ministry" whispers are instigated by something else God is doing in my life, and I am at peace about categorizing those as being unlikely from God. But this last one, was VERY abrupt and completely unrelated to that "something else."
WHAT THE FREAKING HECK DOES THIS MEAN???!!! I, simply put, don't want to do college ministry; it is not my passion! God knows it is not my passion, so why does He keep bringing it up?? Three to five months ago, God got me to be okay with saying yes if He calls me to go into college ministry, with the understanding that He's not gonna completely disregard my own passions. Well, over these past months, He's clearly shown me my wiring for college ministry and how beautifully He's been using me in His Church the last seven years. So, I'm okay with that, especially since knowing that He's told me to stay I can be sure He is gonna continue using me here...but WHAT IS THIS??? Could I have the talent and the calling, but not the passion for college ministry?? Would God do that?
I wrote all that last night before externally processing for an hour and a half with a good friend. And now, almost 24 hours later, I'm at peace about staying involved with college ministry until God tells me to go elsewhere. Now, I don't know what that is gonna look like, and really, I'm not interested in knowing anything for sure yet. This much is definitely enough for at least a couple months! *hint hint* I'm still not super excited about college ministry itself, but I am thrilled that God has revealed a small part of His will last night! Not to mention the interest He's taken in knitting me into a person to fulfill His beautiful purpose for my life! Yeah, I believe that the God who created the universe has developed specific talents and put me in incredibly unique situations and relationships that have revealed the way through which He desires to most glorify Himself!! How AMAZING!!!
I was just talking to a friend about wanting to explore if my passion for low-income families would translate into my future profession. Totally just kinda rambling to her about what I was thinking for my life next year, nothing unusual. Right around that time a good friend who I'd also just been talking to texts me this "you are possibly my only mentor who i love talking to about all things because you talk through and with love. The love Jesus gives you." I read it while still on the phone, and was touched (but preoccupied) and texted back :-) I read it a little later...and did not quite experience the same warm, fuzzy feeling...
Instead, God once again said, "College ministry." I said, "NO!", dropped my phone on the lap desk, put my head in my hands and shook it back and forth with multiple "uh-uh"s. Now sometimes the "college ministry" whispers are instigated by something else God is doing in my life, and I am at peace about categorizing those as being unlikely from God. But this last one, was VERY abrupt and completely unrelated to that "something else."
WHAT THE FREAKING HECK DOES THIS MEAN???!!! I, simply put, don't want to do college ministry; it is not my passion! God knows it is not my passion, so why does He keep bringing it up?? Three to five months ago, God got me to be okay with saying yes if He calls me to go into college ministry, with the understanding that He's not gonna completely disregard my own passions. Well, over these past months, He's clearly shown me my wiring for college ministry and how beautifully He's been using me in His Church the last seven years. So, I'm okay with that, especially since knowing that He's told me to stay I can be sure He is gonna continue using me here...but WHAT IS THIS??? Could I have the talent and the calling, but not the passion for college ministry?? Would God do that?
I wrote all that last night before externally processing for an hour and a half with a good friend. And now, almost 24 hours later, I'm at peace about staying involved with college ministry until God tells me to go elsewhere. Now, I don't know what that is gonna look like, and really, I'm not interested in knowing anything for sure yet. This much is definitely enough for at least a couple months! *hint hint* I'm still not super excited about college ministry itself, but I am thrilled that God has revealed a small part of His will last night! Not to mention the interest He's taken in knitting me into a person to fulfill His beautiful purpose for my life! Yeah, I believe that the God who created the universe has developed specific talents and put me in incredibly unique situations and relationships that have revealed the way through which He desires to most glorify Himself!! How AMAZING!!!
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
One Step at a Time...
GROSS!!!
Well, there's my living situation in the Fall. The roommates are kinda far away (NC and Colorado)...and don't seem too aware that technically our lease is supposed to begin in four weeks...and one of the girls has turned in no paperwork, and neither of the other girls have sent in their application fees/security deposit. I talked with the leasing office today and it sounds like they have a place reserved for us they just need to make sure we're still interested and were concerned about my living situation for early August while they're getting the apartment ready. So, I'm definitely praying that the peace God gave me about staying in Kent next year will stay steady and things will continue to fall into place smoothly.
Then, there's my freakin' bank account! This is super embarrassing to admit, but I have over-drafted more than 10 times in the past six weeks, but have actually had enough money to cover everything in the bank...just not in the account I actually use. 10 over-draft fees at $39 each equals $390 out the window. I desperately need to get all my money in one account...otherwise I'm gonna over-draft AGAIN, only this time it'll be my rent check...and I'll be getting a generous paycheck on Friday.
Last night, I was super stressed out about everything. I couldn't sleep (very unusual for me) and all I wanted to do was to cope with the stress by stepping into my fantasy world that God has convicted me repeatedly for and has brought people into my life to hold me accountable to not stumbling in it. So, I decided instead to take a shower and get my mind off it for a little bit. After my shower, I spent time with God and He brought my mind to Matthew 8:23-27 where the disciples (fishermen) are on a boat with Jesus and Jesus is sleeping, then a really bad storm comes and they have to wake Him up and then He calms the storm. God was totally asking me to go to Him and wake Him up, knowing that I couldn't handle the storm, but He absolutely could (and would) calm it for me. I so badly wanted to not have to be the responsible one for once, and God simply said He wants to take care of everything, and just wanted me to admit I couldn't, ask Him to take the wheel, and then rest against Him. I spoke with the leasing office before leaving for work this morning and they said that they had the apartment reserved for us, they just need to know that we are absolutely for sure gonna live there for the year. What a relief!
So far as the here and now finances are concerned, I was really worried I wasn't gonna have time to get all my money in one account since I work 9:30-5:30 half an hour away, and I can't wait til Saturday. Well, I arrived to work this morning to my co-worker asking me if I could work the opening shift tomorrow (7-3), which means I'll have time after work to get to the bank and close those two extraneous accounts. I have a little bit of money to deposit and some money owed to call in that should make me break even. Not to mention I get paid on Friday and they won't get the check til tomorrow (Wednesday) so if they put off depositing it just a couple short days, I would be in real good shape!
God promises that the storms don't last forever and I'm for sure looking forward to seeing the rainbow at the end of it. Also though, storms are definitely a good time for God to show Himself incredibly wonderful, in spite of how scary they may be. I grew up in a family that loved watching storms...especially the ones that seemed to make me the most nervous (you know, bright lightning bolts, loud, rattling thunder, but not a drop of rain) and as soon as I learned that a big storm in the summer meant a cold-front was on its way I would look forward to its passing through. Now, I think God is challenging me to embrace the storm, and to even enjoy the scary lightening and thunder because of how it makes me cling to Him.
Hoping to learn to rest in the care of my great and beautiful Savior in the midst of this life.
Well, there's my living situation in the Fall. The roommates are kinda far away (NC and Colorado)...and don't seem too aware that technically our lease is supposed to begin in four weeks...and one of the girls has turned in no paperwork, and neither of the other girls have sent in their application fees/security deposit. I talked with the leasing office today and it sounds like they have a place reserved for us they just need to make sure we're still interested and were concerned about my living situation for early August while they're getting the apartment ready. So, I'm definitely praying that the peace God gave me about staying in Kent next year will stay steady and things will continue to fall into place smoothly.
Then, there's my freakin' bank account! This is super embarrassing to admit, but I have over-drafted more than 10 times in the past six weeks, but have actually had enough money to cover everything in the bank...just not in the account I actually use. 10 over-draft fees at $39 each equals $390 out the window. I desperately need to get all my money in one account...otherwise I'm gonna over-draft AGAIN, only this time it'll be my rent check...and I'll be getting a generous paycheck on Friday.
Last night, I was super stressed out about everything. I couldn't sleep (very unusual for me) and all I wanted to do was to cope with the stress by stepping into my fantasy world that God has convicted me repeatedly for and has brought people into my life to hold me accountable to not stumbling in it. So, I decided instead to take a shower and get my mind off it for a little bit. After my shower, I spent time with God and He brought my mind to Matthew 8:23-27 where the disciples (fishermen) are on a boat with Jesus and Jesus is sleeping, then a really bad storm comes and they have to wake Him up and then He calms the storm. God was totally asking me to go to Him and wake Him up, knowing that I couldn't handle the storm, but He absolutely could (and would) calm it for me. I so badly wanted to not have to be the responsible one for once, and God simply said He wants to take care of everything, and just wanted me to admit I couldn't, ask Him to take the wheel, and then rest against Him. I spoke with the leasing office before leaving for work this morning and they said that they had the apartment reserved for us, they just need to know that we are absolutely for sure gonna live there for the year. What a relief!
So far as the here and now finances are concerned, I was really worried I wasn't gonna have time to get all my money in one account since I work 9:30-5:30 half an hour away, and I can't wait til Saturday. Well, I arrived to work this morning to my co-worker asking me if I could work the opening shift tomorrow (7-3), which means I'll have time after work to get to the bank and close those two extraneous accounts. I have a little bit of money to deposit and some money owed to call in that should make me break even. Not to mention I get paid on Friday and they won't get the check til tomorrow (Wednesday) so if they put off depositing it just a couple short days, I would be in real good shape!
God promises that the storms don't last forever and I'm for sure looking forward to seeing the rainbow at the end of it. Also though, storms are definitely a good time for God to show Himself incredibly wonderful, in spite of how scary they may be. I grew up in a family that loved watching storms...especially the ones that seemed to make me the most nervous (you know, bright lightning bolts, loud, rattling thunder, but not a drop of rain) and as soon as I learned that a big storm in the summer meant a cold-front was on its way I would look forward to its passing through. Now, I think God is challenging me to embrace the storm, and to even enjoy the scary lightening and thunder because of how it makes me cling to Him.
Hoping to learn to rest in the care of my great and beautiful Savior in the midst of this life.
Saturday, July 2, 2011
Why can't vacation be real life??
Vacationing in Colorado was probably the best thing I could have done with my time last week...except now I'm back in Kent and don't wanna return to real life. I spent Sunday afternoon through Wednesday afternoon hanging out with very good friends I haven't seen in over a month, and I miss them already. On Tuesday, I have to return to my 40+ hours a week job and hope that there is time to hang out with my very good friends here.
Transitioning is always really difficult for me...there's the grieving what been left mixed with the anxiety about what's next. You'd think I'd be used to it with all the moving I did as a kid and changing schools, but I don't think I'll ever be used to transitions. So, where's the thread of peace in this transition? Well, I know God arranged it for me to go out to Colorado, and He knew all that was gonna happen out there, so I can return to "real life" confident that I'm within His will. Really though...this isn't even real life. Real life is when I'm with Jesus. That's the life I was created for, and I can be with Jesus anywhere. And right now, this summer, my job is my mission field. Last week was just a little refresher on how important community is
Transitioning is always really difficult for me...there's the grieving what been left mixed with the anxiety about what's next. You'd think I'd be used to it with all the moving I did as a kid and changing schools, but I don't think I'll ever be used to transitions. So, where's the thread of peace in this transition? Well, I know God arranged it for me to go out to Colorado, and He knew all that was gonna happen out there, so I can return to "real life" confident that I'm within His will. Really though...this isn't even real life. Real life is when I'm with Jesus. That's the life I was created for, and I can be with Jesus anywhere. And right now, this summer, my job is my mission field. Last week was just a little refresher on how important community is
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