"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart...No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it." Hebrews 12:1-3, 11.
"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, and into an inheritance that can never perish, spoil or fade-kept in heaven for you.
1 Peter 1:3-4
Sunday, May 29, 2011
Thursday, May 26, 2011
Let the Healing...Begin?
I got back from work today just plain grumpy. I was tired and hungry and the kids seemed to have intentionally been testing my patience. Therefore, grumpy. Got home to the empty apartment I was hoping for so I could sleep and just stew in my grumpiness. Well, then entered discontentment...which may be a red flag that God's wanting to deal with me with something, so I told Him I didn't wanna deal with it and just wanted what I wanted and that was all. Basically, heal me so I can be good enough to stand on my own and finally be worthy of what I really, really want.
Well, sharing that motivation for healing with God is kinda an open door for Him to confront you about what His desire for your healing is, and what actually is at the heart of your desire, beyond the desire of your heart. Naturally, He pointed out my actual desire for deep-rooted, overwhelming intimacy with Him. From there, He spoke to different times in my life where I'd experienced deep hurts, telling the baby, child, adolescent, and young adult that He loves her, and holding her tightly. He took me back to a specific time where some of the cruelest words were ever spoken to me, and then responsibility for the words were never taken, today no one even remembers them except me. The name I was called confirmed things that earlier experiences had already begun to communicate and with that, a lie of my value and identity was cemented.
Nine-year-old Amber Levesque accidentally smashing her sister's finger in a window, making it bleed a lot, being called an "asshole" by her already mostly absent father. No one seemed to notice it wasn't what she'd accidentally done that caused her so many tears, but what was said to her. Writing now, I think I remember a stranger giving me tissues to wipe my eyes, while my dad tended to my sister and my grandparents just sat there beside me, maybe thinking "she should feel remorse for what she did."
To that nine-year-old girl, God said today, "Your dad doesn't know who you are. You are MY child, not his. That is your identity! And in six years, you will know ME and begin to see the depth of my love for you!"
I apologize if this is a bit too much of me exposing my life. Over-sharing helps me fight lies of shame and embarrassment of my past, but I definitely don't want to cause you to stumble. I won't be offended if I end up with absolutely no "followers." After all, my identity isn't found in how much attention I get from you, but what Jesus did to show the depth of His love for me and His calling me Daughter. For not being at LT, God sure is doing a mighty work in my life.
Well, sharing that motivation for healing with God is kinda an open door for Him to confront you about what His desire for your healing is, and what actually is at the heart of your desire, beyond the desire of your heart. Naturally, He pointed out my actual desire for deep-rooted, overwhelming intimacy with Him. From there, He spoke to different times in my life where I'd experienced deep hurts, telling the baby, child, adolescent, and young adult that He loves her, and holding her tightly. He took me back to a specific time where some of the cruelest words were ever spoken to me, and then responsibility for the words were never taken, today no one even remembers them except me. The name I was called confirmed things that earlier experiences had already begun to communicate and with that, a lie of my value and identity was cemented.
Nine-year-old Amber Levesque accidentally smashing her sister's finger in a window, making it bleed a lot, being called an "asshole" by her already mostly absent father. No one seemed to notice it wasn't what she'd accidentally done that caused her so many tears, but what was said to her. Writing now, I think I remember a stranger giving me tissues to wipe my eyes, while my dad tended to my sister and my grandparents just sat there beside me, maybe thinking "she should feel remorse for what she did."
To that nine-year-old girl, God said today, "Your dad doesn't know who you are. You are MY child, not his. That is your identity! And in six years, you will know ME and begin to see the depth of my love for you!"
I apologize if this is a bit too much of me exposing my life. Over-sharing helps me fight lies of shame and embarrassment of my past, but I definitely don't want to cause you to stumble. I won't be offended if I end up with absolutely no "followers." After all, my identity isn't found in how much attention I get from you, but what Jesus did to show the depth of His love for me and His calling me Daughter. For not being at LT, God sure is doing a mighty work in my life.
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
EMOTIONAL?? ME???
No way!?
Okay, maybe way...maybe a little. Haha! I've known this about myself for years and years, that I'm actually very emotionally driven, often times too much so because I can focus so much on what my emotions demand and lose sight of what God actually has for my life. My emotions have definitely fought for Lordship over my life, and have honestly won more times than I would like to admit.
A lot of people have seen me do battle with my emotions this past year, and man has it ever been an intense fight! Everything from denying their existence, to allowing them to dictate my reality; from being afraid of them to being afraid to lose them; from allowing them to dictate my reality; from begging God to take them away to surrendering them to His purpose. So yeah...it's been very...emotional.
I grew up living with my mom who is so emotionally driven that it is common for her to say, "If my head and heart are in disagreement, my heart will always win. It doesn't rest until it gets its way." So yeah, genetics/social learning/generational sin, call it what you will, my struggle with it is logical. The unfortunate part is that only in the last few month have I become aware that "bowing down" to my emotions is, quite plainly, sin. I would definitely say I've been aware of the battle between what I've wanted and God's will for years now, but to begin to see what has kept the fighting from ending is my temptation to let my emotions control my life has been really hard. Back in February was when I first started committing to submit my emotions to God's purposes, and while I've repeatedly taken them back, it's slowly been easier to put them back in His hands knowing that He is going to use them to fulfill His purposes, whatever that may be. He's even graciously given me the privilege of seeing some of His work in the meantime. Specifically, when I feel emotions really strongly I have to talk about them and process them out loud (refer to first post) and often some unsuspecting, amazing listener finds herself knowing everything about my life within weeks. In mid-April, I found out that my openness has shown one friend the value and beauty of vulnerability.
Recently, I started (and am now nearly finished) reading Soul Healing and how perfectly God-timed that has been!! When God showed me just how deeply rooted a lot of the insecurities and lies were that were refueling my idolatry, Soul Healing became essential. Looking back on my life, I realize that I didn't process a lot of the hurts I experienced as a child, which I suspect is probably relatively normal. However, now all those hurts are crying out to be fixed and dealt with. To be completely honest, I have positively no clue how to even begin to healthily process emotions from 20 years ago, and am slightly petrified that I will dwell on each one and fall prey to idolatry yet again.
Today, actually, God started showing how I haven't dealt with a lot of those hurts and the successive emotions. I found myself thinking I was getting the "short end of the stick" in a situation and someone else had what I wanted. Now, I'm not confrontational about things like that, so instead I tend to stew in that jealousy. Thankfully, God wouldn't let me do that today! Instead, He called me out about it and said, "Lets talk about this." (PS: If I'm ever sharing about something and you wanna encourage me, ask me to tell you more. This communicates to me that you wanna hear about my life, and that literally means the world to me!!) It was then that I realized my fear of dealing with emotions from my past, but the absolute necessity to do so! If I don't sort through these, it is going to continue to be nearly impossible to avoid idolatry, thus keeping me from truly loving the Lord with all my heart, mind, soul, and strength. My heart will always be divided because I'll be acting outta these hurts because I'm afraid of these emotions, and the only thing I should fear is God. My fear is in my God...and my emotions should NEVER be my God! I cannot trust them to work anything together for my good, nor can they offer me anything eternal! GOD on the other hand, He has everything to offer and gives it completely freely!
So, you can kinda see how my brain processes trials. Yeah, I'm hoping to address the hurts and coinciding emotions to grow in whatever ways God may intend. I know He's begun this process, and therefore I can know that He will complete it and it will be GOOD!!!
Okay, maybe way...maybe a little. Haha! I've known this about myself for years and years, that I'm actually very emotionally driven, often times too much so because I can focus so much on what my emotions demand and lose sight of what God actually has for my life. My emotions have definitely fought for Lordship over my life, and have honestly won more times than I would like to admit.
A lot of people have seen me do battle with my emotions this past year, and man has it ever been an intense fight! Everything from denying their existence, to allowing them to dictate my reality; from being afraid of them to being afraid to lose them; from allowing them to dictate my reality; from begging God to take them away to surrendering them to His purpose. So yeah...it's been very...emotional.
I grew up living with my mom who is so emotionally driven that it is common for her to say, "If my head and heart are in disagreement, my heart will always win. It doesn't rest until it gets its way." So yeah, genetics/social learning/generational sin, call it what you will, my struggle with it is logical. The unfortunate part is that only in the last few month have I become aware that "bowing down" to my emotions is, quite plainly, sin. I would definitely say I've been aware of the battle between what I've wanted and God's will for years now, but to begin to see what has kept the fighting from ending is my temptation to let my emotions control my life has been really hard. Back in February was when I first started committing to submit my emotions to God's purposes, and while I've repeatedly taken them back, it's slowly been easier to put them back in His hands knowing that He is going to use them to fulfill His purposes, whatever that may be. He's even graciously given me the privilege of seeing some of His work in the meantime. Specifically, when I feel emotions really strongly I have to talk about them and process them out loud (refer to first post) and often some unsuspecting, amazing listener finds herself knowing everything about my life within weeks. In mid-April, I found out that my openness has shown one friend the value and beauty of vulnerability.
Recently, I started (and am now nearly finished) reading Soul Healing and how perfectly God-timed that has been!! When God showed me just how deeply rooted a lot of the insecurities and lies were that were refueling my idolatry, Soul Healing became essential. Looking back on my life, I realize that I didn't process a lot of the hurts I experienced as a child, which I suspect is probably relatively normal. However, now all those hurts are crying out to be fixed and dealt with. To be completely honest, I have positively no clue how to even begin to healthily process emotions from 20 years ago, and am slightly petrified that I will dwell on each one and fall prey to idolatry yet again.
Today, actually, God started showing how I haven't dealt with a lot of those hurts and the successive emotions. I found myself thinking I was getting the "short end of the stick" in a situation and someone else had what I wanted. Now, I'm not confrontational about things like that, so instead I tend to stew in that jealousy. Thankfully, God wouldn't let me do that today! Instead, He called me out about it and said, "Lets talk about this." (PS: If I'm ever sharing about something and you wanna encourage me, ask me to tell you more. This communicates to me that you wanna hear about my life, and that literally means the world to me!!) It was then that I realized my fear of dealing with emotions from my past, but the absolute necessity to do so! If I don't sort through these, it is going to continue to be nearly impossible to avoid idolatry, thus keeping me from truly loving the Lord with all my heart, mind, soul, and strength. My heart will always be divided because I'll be acting outta these hurts because I'm afraid of these emotions, and the only thing I should fear is God. My fear is in my God...and my emotions should NEVER be my God! I cannot trust them to work anything together for my good, nor can they offer me anything eternal! GOD on the other hand, He has everything to offer and gives it completely freely!
So, you can kinda see how my brain processes trials. Yeah, I'm hoping to address the hurts and coinciding emotions to grow in whatever ways God may intend. I know He's begun this process, and therefore I can know that He will complete it and it will be GOOD!!!
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
I'm NOT a Procrastinator
Yes, I have a lot of preparing for summer camp I need to be doing, and could have had done two months ago, and yes, I'm instead choosing to blog nothing of great importance, but no, I am not a procrastinator.
I, in fact, am an escapist to my core! While procrastination is definitely a byproduct of my escapist tendencies, it alone does not satisfy to define me. I don't like to deal with hard stuff...really at all. Things that are important to me but not of high impact to my relationships are better ignored to my well-being. I avoided working on my Master's Project every chance I got. As a child, I found places to be alone with my thoughts, though not to deal with them but to get far enough away that my mind could wander wherever it may. As I got older, this became a coping mechanism that showed itself through playing a lotta video games and reading a lotta books to escape reality. Nowadays, I take naps even when I really don't need them, or I look forward to what specific things in my future might be like. Ha! And I remember being a little surprised last summer when a sermon about discontentment being a sin struck me.
God's definitely been calling me out on what my discontentment says to Him and to others about Him. I'm quite bluntly saying, "I know You're God and everything, but if I were in charge, I could make my life A LOT better." It's so dumb! Even looking back at a time in my life where God let me take the reins reminds me that my life would actually be wretched if I were in charge. I deeply desire to not be an escapist, and to embrace fully the life He has for me, trials and all, because I know that these things are only temporary. Instead of putting my hope in today and the near tomorrow, and deeming those of greater importance, I desire to be focused on "an inheritance which is imperishable and undefiled and will not fade away, reserved in heaven for[me]." 1Peter 1:4
Definitely could use your prayers that God would continue to challenge my discontentment so that I may no longer seek to escape this life and its trials. He has much, MUCH better things in store!
I, in fact, am an escapist to my core! While procrastination is definitely a byproduct of my escapist tendencies, it alone does not satisfy to define me. I don't like to deal with hard stuff...really at all. Things that are important to me but not of high impact to my relationships are better ignored to my well-being. I avoided working on my Master's Project every chance I got. As a child, I found places to be alone with my thoughts, though not to deal with them but to get far enough away that my mind could wander wherever it may. As I got older, this became a coping mechanism that showed itself through playing a lotta video games and reading a lotta books to escape reality. Nowadays, I take naps even when I really don't need them, or I look forward to what specific things in my future might be like. Ha! And I remember being a little surprised last summer when a sermon about discontentment being a sin struck me.
God's definitely been calling me out on what my discontentment says to Him and to others about Him. I'm quite bluntly saying, "I know You're God and everything, but if I were in charge, I could make my life A LOT better." It's so dumb! Even looking back at a time in my life where God let me take the reins reminds me that my life would actually be wretched if I were in charge. I deeply desire to not be an escapist, and to embrace fully the life He has for me, trials and all, because I know that these things are only temporary. Instead of putting my hope in today and the near tomorrow, and deeming those of greater importance, I desire to be focused on "an inheritance which is imperishable and undefiled and will not fade away, reserved in heaven for[me]." 1Peter 1:4
Definitely could use your prayers that God would continue to challenge my discontentment so that I may no longer seek to escape this life and its trials. He has much, MUCH better things in store!
Sunday, May 22, 2011
Welcome Back to Blogging Amber!
Yes, I used to be an avid blogger, and Xanga.com still holds the evidence of that. The last time in my life, I had a lot of transitioning going on and hadn't fully embraced being an external processor. I prefer to process verbally, but have found a disadvantage being that I don't remember what I said very well. The past four months (to the day, haha) I've desperately needed to slow my thoughts down and gotten into the habit of journaling. However, journaling has the disadvantage of not being able to write as quickly as I may need. There seems to be no ideal way to get the stuff going on in my heart out of me. Perhaps the speed will be better here, even if the privacy may not...
So, I'm Journeying With Jesus indeed. Last year, my church adopted the slogan "h2o: Church for Your Journey" and I was more than mildly opposed because of how cheesy terms like "Next Step" and "Snapshot of your Journey" were. Well, with the craziness of my past year and how insanely reflective I have been the past couple weeks, I'm truly seeing how my relationship with God is indeed a journey, and have likewise embraced the concept.
My last year...oh man! Hmm...let's just say that I had a pretty well-laid out plan for what I would be preparing for next fall, and that isn't going to happen. I was absolutely certain I would now be preparing to move to Chicago. I'd expected to be finishing the job hunting process and securing an apartment to begin renting by late-August. Well, through an intricate process, I will actually be staying in Kent. I'm confident I will share at least the "abridged" version of that bit of the journey in the near future but not today, as a lot of work is calling my name.
I suppose we'll see how God uses Blogger in my life, and perhaps uses my life in your's. :-)
So, I'm Journeying With Jesus indeed. Last year, my church adopted the slogan "h2o: Church for Your Journey" and I was more than mildly opposed because of how cheesy terms like "Next Step" and "Snapshot of your Journey" were. Well, with the craziness of my past year and how insanely reflective I have been the past couple weeks, I'm truly seeing how my relationship with God is indeed a journey, and have likewise embraced the concept.
My last year...oh man! Hmm...let's just say that I had a pretty well-laid out plan for what I would be preparing for next fall, and that isn't going to happen. I was absolutely certain I would now be preparing to move to Chicago. I'd expected to be finishing the job hunting process and securing an apartment to begin renting by late-August. Well, through an intricate process, I will actually be staying in Kent. I'm confident I will share at least the "abridged" version of that bit of the journey in the near future but not today, as a lot of work is calling my name.
I suppose we'll see how God uses Blogger in my life, and perhaps uses my life in your's. :-)
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