FINALLY!!! God allowed me to see what I've been needing to see for months now!
A couple weeks ago, I reached a point of just being overwhelmed by nothing going according to my plans, and things actually seeming like my plans were intentionally being blown up just to spite me for making those plans. I was frustrated with everything! Not getting what I wanted when I wanted it, other people having things go smoothly that I'd struggled through, God placing specific restrictions on my actions when others' were doing what I desired repeatedly. Clearly, a lotta comparison which grew my frustration, impatience, and grumbling. When Satan struck one very close friendship with a comparison challenge, I fought back! Not only did I decide to apologize for the comparing myself to her, I sought the truth in the situation to fight the lies. Simply put, the truth is that her friendship is a massive blessing and, while it may be forced to change, it's not changing right now and God is gonna take care of everything should it need to change. At this point, I did not see any of this as being an evil scheme. Somehow, I thought that I was just falling into this comparison sin on my own accord. Either way, attacking that close of a friendship was the beginning of the end for Satan.
Then, more unpredictable stuff that seemed intended to just make my life that much more difficult happened. I got a flat tire, had to ask for help to get the donut on (and did very little of the work myself), and then had to pay for a new tire, with the scare that I was gonna have to wait a couple days to get one. While I was at the garage waiting, I was reading The Sacred Romance and one small line referred to spiritual warfare and everything clicked!! My repetitive trials in patience and trust in God are NOT evidence that God is not good or that God wants to make my life really, really hard right now. Don't get me wrong, God is totally using all of these trials to thoroughly glorify Himself and build my relationship with Him, but He is not slamming me repeatedly to make me learn these things...that is the Devil, and he hates me. God reminds me through each struggle that He is very much with me every single time! Satan hates that I've been choosing to trust in spite of my feelings, so he's been throwing me under any kind of bus he can find. Any kind of difficult circumstance to challenge my faith that God allows him to touch, I'm sure he is.
In summary, Satan hates me and is out to get me! But he will never win because God is stronger than him! Now that I see Satan's attack for what it is, I'm reaching for my armor and my Father rather than discipline and forced self-control. SO MUCH PEACE!!!! So little burden!! LOVE IT!!
Monday, September 19, 2011
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
Today in the Word Sermon at 9am
LOVE 103.3 at 9am!!! On Wednesday morning, I heard part 2 of this sermon! part 1 was about Jesus feeding the 5 thousand right after John the Baptist died, and part 2 was about Jesus walking on water. When Peter joined Him and started sinking, Jesus asked him "why did you doubt?" I mean, really? Peter suddenly realizes he is standing on water...he's not exactly a fisherman who doesn't know specific laws about nature. I'm sure he's fallen out of a boat often enough to know that humans sink in water. The speaker adjusted the translation a little bit to say "Why did you begin to doubt?" Peter stepped outta the boat with no reservations and started walking towards Jesus. It wasn't until he considered the natural impossibility of what he was doing that he began to sink. Peter's experiential knowledge of the world overcame his faith that Jesus had said come.
This story is in no way whatsoever foreign to me. With this story, God led me to "step out" and go on a church plant, trusting Him to not let me drown. One of the first times I heard this story, I remember my heart desiring to one day walk on water, finding myself in love with that level of faith. My freshman year in college, I found myself on a retreat walking on a frozen lake, aka water. (Not to be confused with skating. The whole concept of gliding in skates is too hard for me, but walking in skates, that I understand.) Even that long ago God has been avidly pursuing me with His irony.
Here I am, almost 10 years into my Christian faith, listening to that very story again with so much more speaking to my heart, but really the same concepts. My circumstances scare me. Let's be honest, the last time God told me to "step out" 51/2 years ago with the church plant, it wasn't exactly easy, and for a while it felt like I was treading water. Like Jesus hadn't even reached to pull me up and I was doing it all on my own. When I got too tired, finally gave up and said (in far more words) "Lord, save me!" He was faithful to do so, just as He had promised. Today, I heard Jesus say (in far fewer words), "Your circumstances need not dictate your faith. Your efforts are futile, yes, but with faith in My authority over your life, you can stand."
My reaction: couldn't I have learned all this some other way?? This storm is scary, so scary that when Jesus entered the scene, I doubted it was actually Him. When I sought affirmation that it was Him and as a result He said "Come," I stepped out. Now, I'm somewhere between standing on and treading the water. I'm very aware of the wind and how scary it is to be standing on water, but Jesus is still there with me, and He did say "Come." Maybe I'm treading water, still fighting on my own to believe what He'd said to be good and true. I am definitely getting tired, and thinking it might be time to ask Him to "save me" from drowning in my doubt.
Why did I start doubting in the first place?
This story is in no way whatsoever foreign to me. With this story, God led me to "step out" and go on a church plant, trusting Him to not let me drown. One of the first times I heard this story, I remember my heart desiring to one day walk on water, finding myself in love with that level of faith. My freshman year in college, I found myself on a retreat walking on a frozen lake, aka water. (Not to be confused with skating. The whole concept of gliding in skates is too hard for me, but walking in skates, that I understand.) Even that long ago God has been avidly pursuing me with His irony.
Here I am, almost 10 years into my Christian faith, listening to that very story again with so much more speaking to my heart, but really the same concepts. My circumstances scare me. Let's be honest, the last time God told me to "step out" 51/2 years ago with the church plant, it wasn't exactly easy, and for a while it felt like I was treading water. Like Jesus hadn't even reached to pull me up and I was doing it all on my own. When I got too tired, finally gave up and said (in far more words) "Lord, save me!" He was faithful to do so, just as He had promised. Today, I heard Jesus say (in far fewer words), "Your circumstances need not dictate your faith. Your efforts are futile, yes, but with faith in My authority over your life, you can stand."
My reaction: couldn't I have learned all this some other way?? This storm is scary, so scary that when Jesus entered the scene, I doubted it was actually Him. When I sought affirmation that it was Him and as a result He said "Come," I stepped out. Now, I'm somewhere between standing on and treading the water. I'm very aware of the wind and how scary it is to be standing on water, but Jesus is still there with me, and He did say "Come." Maybe I'm treading water, still fighting on my own to believe what He'd said to be good and true. I am definitely getting tired, and thinking it might be time to ask Him to "save me" from drowning in my doubt.
Why did I start doubting in the first place?
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
I don't get it!!
"The Lord foils the plans of the nations;
he thwarts the purposes of the people.
But the plans of the Lord stand firm forever,
the purposes of his heart through all generations." Psalm 33:10-11
I make plans and they fall through, every single time. While yeah, God shows His much better plans afterward, I'm really sick of having my plans fall through, especially when I took extra measures to make sure those plans seemed to work. When my plans fall through, I feel like a failure. The lie that I can't do anything right and am just not good enough enters my mind in a blind rage.
My plans not coming together has been a massive theme in my life for what seems like forever. Looking back, I think I just took the extra work as a trial to hunker down and get it done anyway. Over the past year, I've begun realizing that sometimes God's plans are different from my own and actually better than anything I could imagine. Let's be honest though, the underlying root of my planning my life is the drastic fear of failure.
Today, I completely slept through my alarm and woke up after my morning shift was over, and I had actually been planning on asking my boss this afternoon for a raise so I could stick around the Y for a while longer...yeah, that's not gonna happen now. I'll be lucky if I still have a job tomorrow with YMCA. Several weeks ago now, God revealed something to me with a massive amount of peace to confirm His voice in it. Now, I am so anxious about that situation that when I describe it, I completely forget to include that part of it. I planned a movie marathon and it was mostly a lot of fun! People were totally free to come and go as they pleased and in total, more than 15 people attended. However, I was the only one who watched every film. Now that's not such a big deal considering it spanned 3 days, but then the finale of watching the last movie in theaters, which was kinda the point to the whole thing anyway, was a complete and utter fail.
Clearly, God is trying very, very hard to teach me something that I am just not learning! The only thing I know right now is how insanely hard He is making my life. It frustrates me that I can't learn this faster so these lessons can be over already. God, please take mercy on Your daughter!
he thwarts the purposes of the people.
But the plans of the Lord stand firm forever,
the purposes of his heart through all generations." Psalm 33:10-11
I make plans and they fall through, every single time. While yeah, God shows His much better plans afterward, I'm really sick of having my plans fall through, especially when I took extra measures to make sure those plans seemed to work. When my plans fall through, I feel like a failure. The lie that I can't do anything right and am just not good enough enters my mind in a blind rage.
My plans not coming together has been a massive theme in my life for what seems like forever. Looking back, I think I just took the extra work as a trial to hunker down and get it done anyway. Over the past year, I've begun realizing that sometimes God's plans are different from my own and actually better than anything I could imagine. Let's be honest though, the underlying root of my planning my life is the drastic fear of failure.
Today, I completely slept through my alarm and woke up after my morning shift was over, and I had actually been planning on asking my boss this afternoon for a raise so I could stick around the Y for a while longer...yeah, that's not gonna happen now. I'll be lucky if I still have a job tomorrow with YMCA. Several weeks ago now, God revealed something to me with a massive amount of peace to confirm His voice in it. Now, I am so anxious about that situation that when I describe it, I completely forget to include that part of it. I planned a movie marathon and it was mostly a lot of fun! People were totally free to come and go as they pleased and in total, more than 15 people attended. However, I was the only one who watched every film. Now that's not such a big deal considering it spanned 3 days, but then the finale of watching the last movie in theaters, which was kinda the point to the whole thing anyway, was a complete and utter fail.
Clearly, God is trying very, very hard to teach me something that I am just not learning! The only thing I know right now is how insanely hard He is making my life. It frustrates me that I can't learn this faster so these lessons can be over already. God, please take mercy on Your daughter!
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