Really, I'm Okay

I'm just not exactly feeling awesome.

I feel like every single day I struggle with the uncertainty of this situation. Each day, Satan feeds me lines like, "Things just aren't going to work out." or "You misunderstood God." All I have to say is, "I read Genesis 3 yesterday, and Satan, I'm not gonna take your bait! I will not run and hide from God because I'm ashamed of having not trusted Him! I will not take the bait and then blame the difficulty of the situation! It's bad enough that you have me fighting to cling to what God has revealed to me, that already is giving you too much power!"

Now, all I can say is "Jesus, cover my ears to Satan's lies! The peace in the situation, amidst all the insecurities he's trying to throw in my face, is enough to make me certain I've heard from You and that's enough for me. My battle is not against flesh and blood, but against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. I am not fighting against my "self" (I told her to get lost in this situation months ago) but against Satan. Jesus, please fight this battle on my behalf! I don't want to doubt or be insecure any longer. I don't need to know the Father's timing, the details He has revealed is far more generous than I deserve. I only need to know Your great love for me and Your tremendous power over my puny life and Satan's schemes!"

It's so crazy how this situation has lead me to both a heart that weeps and a heart that rejoices. Weeping when I get stuck on not knowing how everything is gonna work together, but truly rejoicing when I remember that God works all things for the good of those who love Him...so really I know how everything is gonna work together, it will be good! Weeping when I'm bombarded by insecurities about God not being trustworthy, but rejoicing when I'm reminded about the many MANY ways God has shown Himself incredibly faithful to me, friends, and stories included in His Word. God truly knows the deepest depths of my heart! He knows all my fears, my insecurities, my weaknesses, my struggles, and He loves me so much that He asks me each day to share them with Him that He may carry the load of them!

I heard a sermon today directed towards men about loving their wives. The guy talked about how women speak a foreign language and they take 2 hours to say something that would only take a man 5 minutes. He explained that the reason women do so is so that the listener can empathize with them with each turn in the story. I read a long update from a friend an hour ago that totally affirmed both that women do this (not that I didn't already know it to be true) and that sharing in the very details of a friend's trials gives me such a bonding experience with them! Knowing that God hears me speak the same frustrations to Him each day, and has for the past several months, and still talks with me through it all, makes Him the ultimate empathizer!! Let's just say that God needs to be preparing my future husband to be a phenomenal listener...otherwise he will definitely be getting an intense crash course early on in our relationship!

Even though I tend to doubt my growth a lot of the time, I know God is doing a tremendous work! When this specific trial began, I was fighting almost exclusively against myself and my own desires to control the situation. When I pursued God about what exactly He was telling me in all of this, and He generously shared it, I saw clearly how Satan was meddling. When it's me, I find myself prideful and arrogant and absolutely opposed to listening to whatever wisdom dear friends might have to say. When it's God speaking, I find myself at peace and with plenty of scripture to back up whatever it is God might be working on building in me through the situation. When Satan's talking, I am wretchedly insecure and will specifically doubt what God has clearly spoken to me on no basis other than things in my past or general fears. Not that I don't fall victim to listening when Satan talks frequently, but then I remember Genesis 3:15..."he will crush your head, and you will strike his heel" and am given the visual from Passion of the Christ, of Jesus stomping on the head of a snake. As gruesome as it is, that visual is probably my all time absolute favorite movie moment!! Satan can say whatever he wants, but my Lord is the one who will destroy him, and my Lord loves me enough to fight with him on my behalf. Even as I struggle, I can spit in Satan's face saying that he will never ever win.

Love this song!

Fear Not
Prisoners of Hope 

Fear not I am with you
Fear not You are mine
Fear not I am with you and you are mine.
(2 times)

When you walk through the waters they will not overtake you
When you walk through the fire you will not be burned
When you go through the valley I will be with you
You are mine

My peace, I leave with you
My peace, I give to you
My peace, I leave with you
You are mine

Do not let your heart be troubled
Do not let it be afraid
Trust in me I will never forsake you
You are mine

Though my heart and flesh may fail
You are the strength of my life
You'll be my portion forevermore
Lord I put my trust in You


Fear not I am with you
Fear not You are mine
Fear not I am with you and you are mine.
You are mine.

Transitions Are NOT Awesome!!

I officially and completely moved outta my apartment on Sunday, two days ago. Now about 80% of my stuff is at my old roommate's new apartment, 15% of my stuff is in my car, and the remaining 5% is in a suitcase at my best friend's parents' house. I'm finding myself struggling a little bit with not having all of my stuff within 10 minutes of my person. Now, I wouldn't call myself materialistic at all, but it's not easy when all I want is my laptop or shoes other than my crocks and I remember that they are an hour away in an apartment that is not mine. In only a few days I'll be transitioning to yet another friend's parents' house...then, finally! into an apartment to stay: College Towers apartment 469!!

Transitioning this much is really tough for me, it always has been. You'd think I'd be used to it after moving around a ton as a kid, but nope. It takes me a while to adjust and get comfortable in a new place. Initially, I always wanna withdraw into myself to deal with the changes. Meanwhile, in times of transition, the very last thing I wanna deal with is the stuff going on in my heart. I do desire to see God as truly faithful in all of His promises, but I feel like it's taking a ton of my strength to continue doing my best at work in the midst of all this transitioning. I would LOVE to take some time off to just relax, but yeah, that's definitely not an option.

So here I am, wanting to hold God to keeping His promises and not under-delivering....but, I get caught up in the not seeing anything happening now, especially when I'm finding myself incredibly distracted by moving all over the place. I mean, I do believe God spoke clearly about something a few weeks ago, I also know that my desired timing may be completely out of harmony with God's timing, and that's really difficult for me! "Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." Hebrews 11:1 and I know that's kinda the point of faith in God's promises. Nothing in God's promises guarantees I'll be able to see Him deliver every step of the way, just that what He has told me will come to be. Really though, I am constantly looking for evidence of anything I'm asked to put my faith in...and when there isn't evidence, I find myself doubting. Right now, all I have is what God has clearly told me, and while that's a lot, more than two weeks have passed and I have nothing more to cling to than I did then. So yeah, it's challenging to see God's word as enough right now. I think it really comes down to: Am I focusing on trusting God to deliver on what He's promised? or Am I looking to control the situation by seeing each twist and turn of how God is gonna deliver?

Truth: God is big, I am small! Not that He has to at all, but God has shown Himself incredibly faithful with many small things in my life that I can trust Him to be faithful with much more! I know God's timing to be so much better than my own! If He would have given into my timing in this situation, I would not have the intimacy with Him that I've experienced this past month. There are dear friends passionately praying for this situation in my life, ones praying for patience and continued clarity, so I can be certain that God is indeed completely in charge. Finally, an important truth that I think I need to struggle through more is that God DOES NOT CHANGE!! No matter what my life is doing, if it's doing somersaults and backflips, God is constant!!