Post-Processing

This past week has been absolutely incredible!! Nothing particularly different circumstantially, but I feel like my entire heart and attitude has been different. Tuesday through Friday, I spent multiple hours each day with God, with the intention of processing my circumstances completely with Him, and did He ever meet me there!

Now for the update. Last Saturday night, Satan threw some pretty low lies my way that really struck my core. Sunday morning at church, the message was from 1Peter 2 where it talks about us being "chosen" and "a royal priesthood." Having the truth so evidently communicated when it was most necessary was fantastic and prepared me for the sermon I would hear that evening from Matthew 7. In it, Jesus is encouraging listeners to ask, assuring them that He wants to give, and give generously. Pulling from the parable of the prodigal son, he shared that God says to us, "you are always with Me and all I have is yours." I can't begin to describe the freedom I felt leaving church that night. Suddenly, I saw no point to complaining about what I want but don't have, being anxious about what might happen next, or anything that caused me to distrust God. See, in that moment I asked God to give me what I wanted by a specific time and I know God can say "no," but that "no" would be evidence of God's goodness and His tremendous interest in my life that He would want something better for me than what I want. Through Thursday, everything was truly right with the world! God was giving me words to comfort me that He would ask me to share with someone else the very next day! He also brought me to a point where I realized that I was actually "in love" with Him, after 10 years of knowing Him.

Friday brought a little surprise that reignited a lot of my biggest insecurities, that like wildfire spread to every less-than-ideal circumstance in my life right now. It was crazy how suddenly anxious I became, especially considering how I'd been feeling the whole week. I had to completely stop and process it. God showed me very clearly what had instigated my anxiety and why it had done so. See, I have a fear of rejection that runs really, really deep. As a result, part of me very much wants to take risks to maybe not be rejected this time, while another part is super anxious about the risk. I know it sounds like I might need to "seek out a mental health professional IMMEDIATELY" but really, I'm fine, just very self-aware. This fear has given Satan a very real foothold in my life so if he can get the idea that I might be rejected in my brain, every ounce of peace seems to unravel. Later that day, God brought to mind content from a book I was reading, about understanding that God's beloved are taken (chosen), which obviously stood out based on Sunday morning's teaching. God told me that I was "taken" even before I was born, in the sense that I'm not single. During my last dating relationship, other men's rejection just didn't matter because I was taken, I had been chosen, I was "off the market" so to speak. Applying that to God, He showed me that since I was taken before birth, any rejection since then just pales in comparison to my chosenness by God.

This was a fantastic revelation!! Last March, I had a dream in which God clearly expressed how much He loved me and I bought a ring to help me remember His love. Starting tomorrow, I intend to begin wearing it on my left ring finger as a symbol that I am committed to truly loving Him too. Moving it to that finger will be a difficult adjustment, and replacing it with a different ring one day (God-willing) will be challenging, but I know how badly I need the outward symbol to keep the inside knowledge in my brain. Completely worth it!!

Why, Why, WHY??

Doing a little bit of venting...

Why is it that all the jobs I want and would be qualified for are out of the state??
Why is it that every local job I apply for I don't hear back about?
Why is it that God is putting me in three very different, though equally frustrating, waiting games??
Why am I working at a job I don't enjoy?
Why does Satan constantly expose how my life is not going the way I wanted, and I'm not happy about it?
Why won't God just prove Himself unfaithful so I can return to being in charge of my own life?
Why am I so easily irritated by everything?
Why are the holidays that are fun for everyone but me approaching?
Why am I still single??

Answer: Because this is what God wants for me right now...to almost all of those questions.

I hate that answer! I'm sick of God not simply giving me what I want. I "know" God's plans are better than mine, but COME ON!!! It really seems like He's intentionally keeping me from every want I have, and then is calling me to trust Him with more! God, haven't I jumped off enough cliffs yet to please You? Could You please address a messed up area of my life that doesn't have to do with patience or contentment or trust...just for a little while??

I don't care right now that this will all be worth it in due time. Right now, it's really hard and I'm sick of it.