Cliff Notes Version of my Life

If I were ever asked to write Cliff Notes for books, I would definitely get fired within a week or two. When I think of stories, there's so much significance in the details that to leave them out would not do the story justice. I can briefly summarize, but if you give me more than five minutes to summarize, you will need to set aside 30 minutes to hear much more than you actually wanted to know ;-)

I was asked a couple days ago for the Cliff Notes version of my life a couple days ago and I failed miserably! First, I had 3 important things to tell her about. I gave the first two a couple sentences each, mostly the first thing is still difficult and the second thing is really, really difficult and builds into the third thing. There was no way I was gonna give a brief version of the third thing, so I didn't even pretend to.

Here however, I will give a very abridged version simply for the sake of uncertainty in what is actually gonna happen next. After seven years of serving somewhat begrudgingly, God is VERY clearly leading me to pursue college ministry long-term, into my "actual" adult life. It's absolutely incredible, but completely true. I've always kept away from seeing that leading cuz my heart broke for a completely different population, and I didn't want to sacrifice that passion for something I wasn't thrilled about doing. Well, I'm pursuing this with a passion for it! I suppose it's kinda always been there, a passion for some of the stuff that is in college ministry, but only in the past couple weeks have I realized the passion actually is college ministry. I have no clue what God intends for that to actually look like. Generally there are two alternatives for involvement as a non-student: staff or community member, and honestly, I do not wanna be on staff. Raising support, working exclusively with Christians (even if for non-Christians), not actually working within my passion for serving economically disadvantaged families are among the least appealing things to me. Considering my financial situation, my newly-realized passion for college ministry, and how God has been using me in various students' lives lately, pursuing an internship makes sense. Also, with an internship, I may find God actually leading me to pursue staff, which would be weird and super scary. But, I have to let God be in charge and be willing to let Him put me in situations through which I can hear Him speak.

I know that was a long abridged version, but there is SOO much more, like why an internship specifically, how I feel He's using me to make an impact, why I'm so oppositional to staff right now, some of my hesitations about actually pursuing this and how God's met me in those, etc, etc. It's incredible!! I'll be meeting with one of the pastors some time after Fall Getaway to see if this actually is an open door. Regardless though, I'm here for a while, with a very specific preferred role in mind that is yet more details not included here.

Annoying?

I've been learning over the past several months that many of my friends have a very limited amount of patience with me. By very limited I simply mean that it's not as much as I need, which is how I suppose it's supposed to be. See, a year ago...even nine months ago, my entire life was completely different than it is right now. I was 24 years old and had a really good idea of what 2011 was going to look like. Every single thing I thought was gonna happen didn't, and things I thought would never happen did, and there's still 2 1/2 months left!!! Really since the beginning of the year, there has been no end to the drama in my life and it's been ridiculously overwhelming. Whenever things start to settle down, some new change has to be dealt with. I'm not good at handling change, especially not changes that hit the very core of my being. As a result, I've given in to a lot of complaining, and my friends have definitely heard it all, surprisingly this blog has heard only a portion of it. I've noticed some of my friends begin to withdraw from me when I start expressing the difficulty of my circumstances. I've been called whiny, directly scolded for my complaining, and directly asked to stop talking about certain things...all multiple times in the past two months.

Believe me, I know it's an issue, but knowing of the issue honestly doesn't make my circumstances an easier to deal with. I find myself tempted to withdraw from sharing my life and putting up a front like I did as a child. Let's be honest, if people are gonna correct me, I need to also be directly told I'm loved. Otherwise, I feel criticized and judged.

God's really smart...I guess. I've begun staying in Aurora more frequently between work shifts to save money on gas. I went all day Monday with my only adult interaction being with my mom and youngest roommate, outside of the parents at work. I'm extroverted, and am having a hard time being okay with God limiting my social time so much. I would honestly enjoy five hours every day of the week, and I think I'm at maybe 8 hours for the past 3 days. Meanwhile, my circumstances continue to overwhelm me and, as if it were possible, get more stressful. I've got two big waiting games going on simultaneously and something of a financial crisis. That's probably a really good summary actually of the problems. I have a bunch of coping strategies (some worse than others) but the one I'm most comfortable with using has been being ultra-social in an attempt to compensate the stressfulness with fun. Well, staying in Aurora and not taking a nap is definitely not helping my ability to be social when I finally get home at 6:45...only to leave to do it again 12 hours later.

As a result, I've been spending a lot of time with God, mostly complaining to Him about these circumstances and how He's taken away my favorite coping method. However, He's been showing me how reliant I am on my friends, and while I definitely have a need for community, I cannot expect my community to love me nearly as much as I need to be loved. I asked God if He ever gets frustrated with me. If He ever thinks "Amber, just shut-up, listen, and do what I tell you to already!" If He's ever tempted to give me exactly what I want when I want it just so that when it falls apart He can sit and laugh at me. I ask Him those things frequently, and it's always the same answer, never! I asked how come my friends seem to feel, think, or wish these very things on me. Already knowing my complaining to be a sin, God reminded me about grace. Honestly, my friends don't love me enough to extend as much grace to me as I need extended, and that's okay...not easy, but okay. See, God does love me enough and His grace, extended on a cross, demonstrates that love.

I'm not happy about this process. It's hard and painful and I desperately want it all to be over. But, I will turn to God, looking to His love to comfort me as His hand continues to guide me. HA!! I've been very familiar lately with God's leading hand, but not His comforting hand. No wonder I keep asking God to just stop talking already. I don't want more direction, I just want to be held and told "I love you, Amber!" in a way that only God can make real to me.