I've been learning over the past several months that many of my friends have a very limited amount of patience with me. By very limited I simply mean that it's not as much as I need, which is how I suppose it's supposed to be. See, a year ago...even nine months ago, my entire life was completely different than it is right now. I was 24 years old and had a really good idea of what 2011 was going to look like. Every single thing I thought was gonna happen didn't, and things I thought would never happen did, and there's still 2 1/2 months left!!! Really since the beginning of the year, there has been no end to the drama in my life and it's been ridiculously overwhelming. Whenever things start to settle down, some new change has to be dealt with. I'm not good at handling change, especially not changes that hit the very core of my being. As a result, I've given in to a lot of complaining, and my friends have definitely heard it all, surprisingly this blog has heard only a portion of it. I've noticed some of my friends begin to withdraw from me when I start expressing the difficulty of my circumstances. I've been called whiny, directly scolded for my complaining, and directly asked to stop talking about certain things...all multiple times in the past two months.
Believe me, I know it's an issue, but knowing of the issue honestly doesn't make my circumstances an easier to deal with. I find myself tempted to withdraw from sharing my life and putting up a front like I did as a child. Let's be honest, if people are gonna correct me, I need to also be directly told I'm loved. Otherwise, I feel criticized and judged.
God's really smart...I guess. I've begun staying in Aurora more frequently between work shifts to save money on gas. I went all day Monday with my only adult interaction being with my mom and youngest roommate, outside of the parents at work. I'm extroverted, and am having a hard time being okay with God limiting my social time so much. I would honestly enjoy five hours every day of the week, and I think I'm at maybe 8 hours for the past 3 days. Meanwhile, my circumstances continue to overwhelm me and, as if it were possible, get more stressful. I've got two big waiting games going on simultaneously and something of a financial crisis. That's probably a really good summary actually of the problems. I have a bunch of coping strategies (some worse than others) but the one I'm most comfortable with using has been being ultra-social in an attempt to compensate the stressfulness with fun. Well, staying in Aurora and not taking a nap is definitely not helping my ability to be social when I finally get home at 6:45...only to leave to do it again 12 hours later.
As a result, I've been spending a lot of time with God, mostly complaining to Him about these circumstances and how He's taken away my favorite coping method. However, He's been showing me how reliant I am on my friends, and while I definitely have a need for community, I cannot expect my community to love me nearly as much as I need to be loved. I asked God if He ever gets frustrated with me. If He ever thinks "Amber, just shut-up, listen, and do what I tell you to already!" If He's ever tempted to give me exactly what I want when I want it just so that when it falls apart He can sit and laugh at me. I ask Him those things frequently, and it's always the same answer, never! I asked how come my friends seem to feel, think, or wish these very things on me. Already knowing my complaining to be a sin, God reminded me about grace. Honestly, my friends don't love me enough to extend as much grace to me as I need extended, and that's okay...not easy, but okay. See, God does love me enough and His grace, extended on a cross, demonstrates that love.
I'm not happy about this process. It's hard and painful and I desperately want it all to be over. But, I will turn to God, looking to His love to comfort me as His hand continues to guide me. HA!! I've been very familiar lately with God's leading hand, but not His comforting hand. No wonder I keep asking God to just stop talking already. I don't want more direction, I just want to be held and told "I love you, Amber!" in a way that only God can make real to me.
Thursday, October 13, 2011
Monday, September 19, 2011
Hello Spiritual Warfare!
FINALLY!!! God allowed me to see what I've been needing to see for months now!
A couple weeks ago, I reached a point of just being overwhelmed by nothing going according to my plans, and things actually seeming like my plans were intentionally being blown up just to spite me for making those plans. I was frustrated with everything! Not getting what I wanted when I wanted it, other people having things go smoothly that I'd struggled through, God placing specific restrictions on my actions when others' were doing what I desired repeatedly. Clearly, a lotta comparison which grew my frustration, impatience, and grumbling. When Satan struck one very close friendship with a comparison challenge, I fought back! Not only did I decide to apologize for the comparing myself to her, I sought the truth in the situation to fight the lies. Simply put, the truth is that her friendship is a massive blessing and, while it may be forced to change, it's not changing right now and God is gonna take care of everything should it need to change. At this point, I did not see any of this as being an evil scheme. Somehow, I thought that I was just falling into this comparison sin on my own accord. Either way, attacking that close of a friendship was the beginning of the end for Satan.
Then, more unpredictable stuff that seemed intended to just make my life that much more difficult happened. I got a flat tire, had to ask for help to get the donut on (and did very little of the work myself), and then had to pay for a new tire, with the scare that I was gonna have to wait a couple days to get one. While I was at the garage waiting, I was reading The Sacred Romance and one small line referred to spiritual warfare and everything clicked!! My repetitive trials in patience and trust in God are NOT evidence that God is not good or that God wants to make my life really, really hard right now. Don't get me wrong, God is totally using all of these trials to thoroughly glorify Himself and build my relationship with Him, but He is not slamming me repeatedly to make me learn these things...that is the Devil, and he hates me. God reminds me through each struggle that He is very much with me every single time! Satan hates that I've been choosing to trust in spite of my feelings, so he's been throwing me under any kind of bus he can find. Any kind of difficult circumstance to challenge my faith that God allows him to touch, I'm sure he is.
In summary, Satan hates me and is out to get me! But he will never win because God is stronger than him! Now that I see Satan's attack for what it is, I'm reaching for my armor and my Father rather than discipline and forced self-control. SO MUCH PEACE!!!! So little burden!! LOVE IT!!
A couple weeks ago, I reached a point of just being overwhelmed by nothing going according to my plans, and things actually seeming like my plans were intentionally being blown up just to spite me for making those plans. I was frustrated with everything! Not getting what I wanted when I wanted it, other people having things go smoothly that I'd struggled through, God placing specific restrictions on my actions when others' were doing what I desired repeatedly. Clearly, a lotta comparison which grew my frustration, impatience, and grumbling. When Satan struck one very close friendship with a comparison challenge, I fought back! Not only did I decide to apologize for the comparing myself to her, I sought the truth in the situation to fight the lies. Simply put, the truth is that her friendship is a massive blessing and, while it may be forced to change, it's not changing right now and God is gonna take care of everything should it need to change. At this point, I did not see any of this as being an evil scheme. Somehow, I thought that I was just falling into this comparison sin on my own accord. Either way, attacking that close of a friendship was the beginning of the end for Satan.
Then, more unpredictable stuff that seemed intended to just make my life that much more difficult happened. I got a flat tire, had to ask for help to get the donut on (and did very little of the work myself), and then had to pay for a new tire, with the scare that I was gonna have to wait a couple days to get one. While I was at the garage waiting, I was reading The Sacred Romance and one small line referred to spiritual warfare and everything clicked!! My repetitive trials in patience and trust in God are NOT evidence that God is not good or that God wants to make my life really, really hard right now. Don't get me wrong, God is totally using all of these trials to thoroughly glorify Himself and build my relationship with Him, but He is not slamming me repeatedly to make me learn these things...that is the Devil, and he hates me. God reminds me through each struggle that He is very much with me every single time! Satan hates that I've been choosing to trust in spite of my feelings, so he's been throwing me under any kind of bus he can find. Any kind of difficult circumstance to challenge my faith that God allows him to touch, I'm sure he is.
In summary, Satan hates me and is out to get me! But he will never win because God is stronger than him! Now that I see Satan's attack for what it is, I'm reaching for my armor and my Father rather than discipline and forced self-control. SO MUCH PEACE!!!! So little burden!! LOVE IT!!
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
Today in the Word Sermon at 9am
LOVE 103.3 at 9am!!! On Wednesday morning, I heard part 2 of this sermon! part 1 was about Jesus feeding the 5 thousand right after John the Baptist died, and part 2 was about Jesus walking on water. When Peter joined Him and started sinking, Jesus asked him "why did you doubt?" I mean, really? Peter suddenly realizes he is standing on water...he's not exactly a fisherman who doesn't know specific laws about nature. I'm sure he's fallen out of a boat often enough to know that humans sink in water. The speaker adjusted the translation a little bit to say "Why did you begin to doubt?" Peter stepped outta the boat with no reservations and started walking towards Jesus. It wasn't until he considered the natural impossibility of what he was doing that he began to sink. Peter's experiential knowledge of the world overcame his faith that Jesus had said come.
This story is in no way whatsoever foreign to me. With this story, God led me to "step out" and go on a church plant, trusting Him to not let me drown. One of the first times I heard this story, I remember my heart desiring to one day walk on water, finding myself in love with that level of faith. My freshman year in college, I found myself on a retreat walking on a frozen lake, aka water. (Not to be confused with skating. The whole concept of gliding in skates is too hard for me, but walking in skates, that I understand.) Even that long ago God has been avidly pursuing me with His irony.
Here I am, almost 10 years into my Christian faith, listening to that very story again with so much more speaking to my heart, but really the same concepts. My circumstances scare me. Let's be honest, the last time God told me to "step out" 51/2 years ago with the church plant, it wasn't exactly easy, and for a while it felt like I was treading water. Like Jesus hadn't even reached to pull me up and I was doing it all on my own. When I got too tired, finally gave up and said (in far more words) "Lord, save me!" He was faithful to do so, just as He had promised. Today, I heard Jesus say (in far fewer words), "Your circumstances need not dictate your faith. Your efforts are futile, yes, but with faith in My authority over your life, you can stand."
My reaction: couldn't I have learned all this some other way?? This storm is scary, so scary that when Jesus entered the scene, I doubted it was actually Him. When I sought affirmation that it was Him and as a result He said "Come," I stepped out. Now, I'm somewhere between standing on and treading the water. I'm very aware of the wind and how scary it is to be standing on water, but Jesus is still there with me, and He did say "Come." Maybe I'm treading water, still fighting on my own to believe what He'd said to be good and true. I am definitely getting tired, and thinking it might be time to ask Him to "save me" from drowning in my doubt.
Why did I start doubting in the first place?
This story is in no way whatsoever foreign to me. With this story, God led me to "step out" and go on a church plant, trusting Him to not let me drown. One of the first times I heard this story, I remember my heart desiring to one day walk on water, finding myself in love with that level of faith. My freshman year in college, I found myself on a retreat walking on a frozen lake, aka water. (Not to be confused with skating. The whole concept of gliding in skates is too hard for me, but walking in skates, that I understand.) Even that long ago God has been avidly pursuing me with His irony.
Here I am, almost 10 years into my Christian faith, listening to that very story again with so much more speaking to my heart, but really the same concepts. My circumstances scare me. Let's be honest, the last time God told me to "step out" 51/2 years ago with the church plant, it wasn't exactly easy, and for a while it felt like I was treading water. Like Jesus hadn't even reached to pull me up and I was doing it all on my own. When I got too tired, finally gave up and said (in far more words) "Lord, save me!" He was faithful to do so, just as He had promised. Today, I heard Jesus say (in far fewer words), "Your circumstances need not dictate your faith. Your efforts are futile, yes, but with faith in My authority over your life, you can stand."
My reaction: couldn't I have learned all this some other way?? This storm is scary, so scary that when Jesus entered the scene, I doubted it was actually Him. When I sought affirmation that it was Him and as a result He said "Come," I stepped out. Now, I'm somewhere between standing on and treading the water. I'm very aware of the wind and how scary it is to be standing on water, but Jesus is still there with me, and He did say "Come." Maybe I'm treading water, still fighting on my own to believe what He'd said to be good and true. I am definitely getting tired, and thinking it might be time to ask Him to "save me" from drowning in my doubt.
Why did I start doubting in the first place?
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
I don't get it!!
"The Lord foils the plans of the nations;
he thwarts the purposes of the people.
But the plans of the Lord stand firm forever,
the purposes of his heart through all generations." Psalm 33:10-11
I make plans and they fall through, every single time. While yeah, God shows His much better plans afterward, I'm really sick of having my plans fall through, especially when I took extra measures to make sure those plans seemed to work. When my plans fall through, I feel like a failure. The lie that I can't do anything right and am just not good enough enters my mind in a blind rage.
My plans not coming together has been a massive theme in my life for what seems like forever. Looking back, I think I just took the extra work as a trial to hunker down and get it done anyway. Over the past year, I've begun realizing that sometimes God's plans are different from my own and actually better than anything I could imagine. Let's be honest though, the underlying root of my planning my life is the drastic fear of failure.
Today, I completely slept through my alarm and woke up after my morning shift was over, and I had actually been planning on asking my boss this afternoon for a raise so I could stick around the Y for a while longer...yeah, that's not gonna happen now. I'll be lucky if I still have a job tomorrow with YMCA. Several weeks ago now, God revealed something to me with a massive amount of peace to confirm His voice in it. Now, I am so anxious about that situation that when I describe it, I completely forget to include that part of it. I planned a movie marathon and it was mostly a lot of fun! People were totally free to come and go as they pleased and in total, more than 15 people attended. However, I was the only one who watched every film. Now that's not such a big deal considering it spanned 3 days, but then the finale of watching the last movie in theaters, which was kinda the point to the whole thing anyway, was a complete and utter fail.
Clearly, God is trying very, very hard to teach me something that I am just not learning! The only thing I know right now is how insanely hard He is making my life. It frustrates me that I can't learn this faster so these lessons can be over already. God, please take mercy on Your daughter!
he thwarts the purposes of the people.
But the plans of the Lord stand firm forever,
the purposes of his heart through all generations." Psalm 33:10-11
I make plans and they fall through, every single time. While yeah, God shows His much better plans afterward, I'm really sick of having my plans fall through, especially when I took extra measures to make sure those plans seemed to work. When my plans fall through, I feel like a failure. The lie that I can't do anything right and am just not good enough enters my mind in a blind rage.
My plans not coming together has been a massive theme in my life for what seems like forever. Looking back, I think I just took the extra work as a trial to hunker down and get it done anyway. Over the past year, I've begun realizing that sometimes God's plans are different from my own and actually better than anything I could imagine. Let's be honest though, the underlying root of my planning my life is the drastic fear of failure.
Today, I completely slept through my alarm and woke up after my morning shift was over, and I had actually been planning on asking my boss this afternoon for a raise so I could stick around the Y for a while longer...yeah, that's not gonna happen now. I'll be lucky if I still have a job tomorrow with YMCA. Several weeks ago now, God revealed something to me with a massive amount of peace to confirm His voice in it. Now, I am so anxious about that situation that when I describe it, I completely forget to include that part of it. I planned a movie marathon and it was mostly a lot of fun! People were totally free to come and go as they pleased and in total, more than 15 people attended. However, I was the only one who watched every film. Now that's not such a big deal considering it spanned 3 days, but then the finale of watching the last movie in theaters, which was kinda the point to the whole thing anyway, was a complete and utter fail.
Clearly, God is trying very, very hard to teach me something that I am just not learning! The only thing I know right now is how insanely hard He is making my life. It frustrates me that I can't learn this faster so these lessons can be over already. God, please take mercy on Your daughter!
Monday, August 8, 2011
Really, I'm Okay
I'm just not exactly feeling awesome.
I feel like every single day I struggle with the uncertainty of this situation. Each day, Satan feeds me lines like, "Things just aren't going to work out." or "You misunderstood God." All I have to say is, "I read Genesis 3 yesterday, and Satan, I'm not gonna take your bait! I will not run and hide from God because I'm ashamed of having not trusted Him! I will not take the bait and then blame the difficulty of the situation! It's bad enough that you have me fighting to cling to what God has revealed to me, that already is giving you too much power!"
Now, all I can say is "Jesus, cover my ears to Satan's lies! The peace in the situation, amidst all the insecurities he's trying to throw in my face, is enough to make me certain I've heard from You and that's enough for me. My battle is not against flesh and blood, but against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. I am not fighting against my "self" (I told her to get lost in this situation months ago) but against Satan. Jesus, please fight this battle on my behalf! I don't want to doubt or be insecure any longer. I don't need to know the Father's timing, the details He has revealed is far more generous than I deserve. I only need to know Your great love for me and Your tremendous power over my puny life and Satan's schemes!"
It's so crazy how this situation has lead me to both a heart that weeps and a heart that rejoices. Weeping when I get stuck on not knowing how everything is gonna work together, but truly rejoicing when I remember that God works all things for the good of those who love Him...so really I know how everything is gonna work together, it will be good! Weeping when I'm bombarded by insecurities about God not being trustworthy, but rejoicing when I'm reminded about the many MANY ways God has shown Himself incredibly faithful to me, friends, and stories included in His Word. God truly knows the deepest depths of my heart! He knows all my fears, my insecurities, my weaknesses, my struggles, and He loves me so much that He asks me each day to share them with Him that He may carry the load of them!
I heard a sermon today directed towards men about loving their wives. The guy talked about how women speak a foreign language and they take 2 hours to say something that would only take a man 5 minutes. He explained that the reason women do so is so that the listener can empathize with them with each turn in the story. I read a long update from a friend an hour ago that totally affirmed both that women do this (not that I didn't already know it to be true) and that sharing in the very details of a friend's trials gives me such a bonding experience with them! Knowing that God hears me speak the same frustrations to Him each day, and has for the past several months, and still talks with me through it all, makes Him the ultimate empathizer!! Let's just say that God needs to be preparing my future husband to be a phenomenal listener...otherwise he will definitely be getting an intense crash course early on in our relationship!
Even though I tend to doubt my growth a lot of the time, I know God is doing a tremendous work! When this specific trial began, I was fighting almost exclusively against myself and my own desires to control the situation. When I pursued God about what exactly He was telling me in all of this, and He generously shared it, I saw clearly how Satan was meddling. When it's me, I find myself prideful and arrogant and absolutely opposed to listening to whatever wisdom dear friends might have to say. When it's God speaking, I find myself at peace and with plenty of scripture to back up whatever it is God might be working on building in me through the situation. When Satan's talking, I am wretchedly insecure and will specifically doubt what God has clearly spoken to me on no basis other than things in my past or general fears. Not that I don't fall victim to listening when Satan talks frequently, but then I remember Genesis 3:15..."he will crush your head, and you will strike his heel" and am given the visual from Passion of the Christ, of Jesus stomping on the head of a snake. As gruesome as it is, that visual is probably my all time absolute favorite movie moment!! Satan can say whatever he wants, but my Lord is the one who will destroy him, and my Lord loves me enough to fight with him on my behalf. Even as I struggle, I can spit in Satan's face saying that he will never ever win.
I feel like every single day I struggle with the uncertainty of this situation. Each day, Satan feeds me lines like, "Things just aren't going to work out." or "You misunderstood God." All I have to say is, "I read Genesis 3 yesterday, and Satan, I'm not gonna take your bait! I will not run and hide from God because I'm ashamed of having not trusted Him! I will not take the bait and then blame the difficulty of the situation! It's bad enough that you have me fighting to cling to what God has revealed to me, that already is giving you too much power!"
Now, all I can say is "Jesus, cover my ears to Satan's lies! The peace in the situation, amidst all the insecurities he's trying to throw in my face, is enough to make me certain I've heard from You and that's enough for me. My battle is not against flesh and blood, but against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. I am not fighting against my "self" (I told her to get lost in this situation months ago) but against Satan. Jesus, please fight this battle on my behalf! I don't want to doubt or be insecure any longer. I don't need to know the Father's timing, the details He has revealed is far more generous than I deserve. I only need to know Your great love for me and Your tremendous power over my puny life and Satan's schemes!"
It's so crazy how this situation has lead me to both a heart that weeps and a heart that rejoices. Weeping when I get stuck on not knowing how everything is gonna work together, but truly rejoicing when I remember that God works all things for the good of those who love Him...so really I know how everything is gonna work together, it will be good! Weeping when I'm bombarded by insecurities about God not being trustworthy, but rejoicing when I'm reminded about the many MANY ways God has shown Himself incredibly faithful to me, friends, and stories included in His Word. God truly knows the deepest depths of my heart! He knows all my fears, my insecurities, my weaknesses, my struggles, and He loves me so much that He asks me each day to share them with Him that He may carry the load of them!
I heard a sermon today directed towards men about loving their wives. The guy talked about how women speak a foreign language and they take 2 hours to say something that would only take a man 5 minutes. He explained that the reason women do so is so that the listener can empathize with them with each turn in the story. I read a long update from a friend an hour ago that totally affirmed both that women do this (not that I didn't already know it to be true) and that sharing in the very details of a friend's trials gives me such a bonding experience with them! Knowing that God hears me speak the same frustrations to Him each day, and has for the past several months, and still talks with me through it all, makes Him the ultimate empathizer!! Let's just say that God needs to be preparing my future husband to be a phenomenal listener...otherwise he will definitely be getting an intense crash course early on in our relationship!
Even though I tend to doubt my growth a lot of the time, I know God is doing a tremendous work! When this specific trial began, I was fighting almost exclusively against myself and my own desires to control the situation. When I pursued God about what exactly He was telling me in all of this, and He generously shared it, I saw clearly how Satan was meddling. When it's me, I find myself prideful and arrogant and absolutely opposed to listening to whatever wisdom dear friends might have to say. When it's God speaking, I find myself at peace and with plenty of scripture to back up whatever it is God might be working on building in me through the situation. When Satan's talking, I am wretchedly insecure and will specifically doubt what God has clearly spoken to me on no basis other than things in my past or general fears. Not that I don't fall victim to listening when Satan talks frequently, but then I remember Genesis 3:15..."he will crush your head, and you will strike his heel" and am given the visual from Passion of the Christ, of Jesus stomping on the head of a snake. As gruesome as it is, that visual is probably my all time absolute favorite movie moment!! Satan can say whatever he wants, but my Lord is the one who will destroy him, and my Lord loves me enough to fight with him on my behalf. Even as I struggle, I can spit in Satan's face saying that he will never ever win.
Sunday, August 7, 2011
Love this song!
Fear Not
Prisoners of Hope
Fear not I am with you
Fear not You are mine
Fear not I am with you and you are mine.
(2 times)
When you walk through the waters they will not overtake you
When you walk through the fire you will not be burned
When you go through the valley I will be with you
You are mine
My peace, I leave with you
My peace, I give to you
My peace, I leave with you
You are mine
Do not let your heart be troubled
Do not let it be afraid
Trust in me I will never forsake you
You are mine
Though my heart and flesh may fail
You are the strength of my life
You'll be my portion forevermore
Lord I put my trust in You
Fear not I am with you
Fear not You are mine
Fear not I am with you and you are mine.
You are mine.
Prisoners of Hope
Fear not I am with you
Fear not You are mine
Fear not I am with you and you are mine.
(2 times)
When you walk through the waters they will not overtake you
When you walk through the fire you will not be burned
When you go through the valley I will be with you
You are mine
My peace, I leave with you
My peace, I give to you
My peace, I leave with you
You are mine
Do not let your heart be troubled
Do not let it be afraid
Trust in me I will never forsake you
You are mine
Though my heart and flesh may fail
You are the strength of my life
You'll be my portion forevermore
Lord I put my trust in You
Fear not I am with you
Fear not You are mine
Fear not I am with you and you are mine.
You are mine.
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
Transitions Are NOT Awesome!!
I officially and completely moved outta my apartment on Sunday, two days ago. Now about 80% of my stuff is at my old roommate's new apartment, 15% of my stuff is in my car, and the remaining 5% is in a suitcase at my best friend's parents' house. I'm finding myself struggling a little bit with not having all of my stuff within 10 minutes of my person. Now, I wouldn't call myself materialistic at all, but it's not easy when all I want is my laptop or shoes other than my crocks and I remember that they are an hour away in an apartment that is not mine. In only a few days I'll be transitioning to yet another friend's parents' house...then, finally! into an apartment to stay: College Towers apartment 469!!
Transitioning this much is really tough for me, it always has been. You'd think I'd be used to it after moving around a ton as a kid, but nope. It takes me a while to adjust and get comfortable in a new place. Initially, I always wanna withdraw into myself to deal with the changes. Meanwhile, in times of transition, the very last thing I wanna deal with is the stuff going on in my heart. I do desire to see God as truly faithful in all of His promises, but I feel like it's taking a ton of my strength to continue doing my best at work in the midst of all this transitioning. I would LOVE to take some time off to just relax, but yeah, that's definitely not an option.
So here I am, wanting to hold God to keeping His promises and not under-delivering....but, I get caught up in the not seeing anything happening now, especially when I'm finding myself incredibly distracted by moving all over the place. I mean, I do believe God spoke clearly about something a few weeks ago, I also know that my desired timing may be completely out of harmony with God's timing, and that's really difficult for me! "Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." Hebrews 11:1 and I know that's kinda the point of faith in God's promises. Nothing in God's promises guarantees I'll be able to see Him deliver every step of the way, just that what He has told me will come to be. Really though, I am constantly looking for evidence of anything I'm asked to put my faith in...and when there isn't evidence, I find myself doubting. Right now, all I have is what God has clearly told me, and while that's a lot, more than two weeks have passed and I have nothing more to cling to than I did then. So yeah, it's challenging to see God's word as enough right now. I think it really comes down to: Am I focusing on trusting God to deliver on what He's promised? or Am I looking to control the situation by seeing each twist and turn of how God is gonna deliver?
Truth: God is big, I am small! Not that He has to at all, but God has shown Himself incredibly faithful with many small things in my life that I can trust Him to be faithful with much more! I know God's timing to be so much better than my own! If He would have given into my timing in this situation, I would not have the intimacy with Him that I've experienced this past month. There are dear friends passionately praying for this situation in my life, ones praying for patience and continued clarity, so I can be certain that God is indeed completely in charge. Finally, an important truth that I think I need to struggle through more is that God DOES NOT CHANGE!! No matter what my life is doing, if it's doing somersaults and backflips, God is constant!!
Transitioning this much is really tough for me, it always has been. You'd think I'd be used to it after moving around a ton as a kid, but nope. It takes me a while to adjust and get comfortable in a new place. Initially, I always wanna withdraw into myself to deal with the changes. Meanwhile, in times of transition, the very last thing I wanna deal with is the stuff going on in my heart. I do desire to see God as truly faithful in all of His promises, but I feel like it's taking a ton of my strength to continue doing my best at work in the midst of all this transitioning. I would LOVE to take some time off to just relax, but yeah, that's definitely not an option.
So here I am, wanting to hold God to keeping His promises and not under-delivering....but, I get caught up in the not seeing anything happening now, especially when I'm finding myself incredibly distracted by moving all over the place. I mean, I do believe God spoke clearly about something a few weeks ago, I also know that my desired timing may be completely out of harmony with God's timing, and that's really difficult for me! "Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." Hebrews 11:1 and I know that's kinda the point of faith in God's promises. Nothing in God's promises guarantees I'll be able to see Him deliver every step of the way, just that what He has told me will come to be. Really though, I am constantly looking for evidence of anything I'm asked to put my faith in...and when there isn't evidence, I find myself doubting. Right now, all I have is what God has clearly told me, and while that's a lot, more than two weeks have passed and I have nothing more to cling to than I did then. So yeah, it's challenging to see God's word as enough right now. I think it really comes down to: Am I focusing on trusting God to deliver on what He's promised? or Am I looking to control the situation by seeing each twist and turn of how God is gonna deliver?
Truth: God is big, I am small! Not that He has to at all, but God has shown Himself incredibly faithful with many small things in my life that I can trust Him to be faithful with much more! I know God's timing to be so much better than my own! If He would have given into my timing in this situation, I would not have the intimacy with Him that I've experienced this past month. There are dear friends passionately praying for this situation in my life, ones praying for patience and continued clarity, so I can be certain that God is indeed completely in charge. Finally, an important truth that I think I need to struggle through more is that God DOES NOT CHANGE!! No matter what my life is doing, if it's doing somersaults and backflips, God is constant!!
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